Monday, December 22, 2008
This is after the blizzard raged. The tail light of Rachel's car glowing from the flash.
Such a stark contrast to today. I'm sitting writing this from my couch in the dining room while the kids eat english muffins. Relaxing after the whirlwind of moving, unpacking, organizing, birthdays and friends. It looks like a snow globe outside, the snow falling so gently and the view from my window so serene.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
If your cry at my funeral i will wake up out of my coffin and break all the bones in your eyelash...
and although Jul never met this man, whom he is named after, he shares many traits with him, and tonight he only reinforced it by saying this:
if i run into him (james bond) i'm going to freak out like a baby with a Popsicle on his foot
what does that mean?!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
About almost everything. The only thing he is wrong about: the Messiah has come. He came, He saw, He lived, died and lives again! Rabbi Shmuley is doing the work of G-d. He is searching and discovering the secrets of G-ds heart. Jesus is probably saying 'AMEN, brother!' to what this Rabbi preaches! I know i am.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
When Thomas first joined the army we were separated for just about as long as this has been, but this time it feels different. I dont feel like we are struggling to keep connected this time. Instead it feels like we have both been growing parallel to each other on our way to rejoining.
I feel so sad about leaving kingston. Well... i feel sad about leaving the people. And before, in previous times, reuniting would have been difficult if it hadnt been for family and friends to help us get out together by babysitting. This time, however, i feel excited. What a great opportunity! A new city, new house, new job, new church.
I know that there will be an adjustment time, but i dont think it will be complicated this time. I think it will be an adventure. I think we are going to grow as a family in a great way... and i am so excited to see it.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
I am taking a risk at sharing all this.
The fireplace above is in the formal dining room...which we will probably use as a living room.
The one below is in the front room (which Thomas wishes to put a pool table in... but we will have to see if that will work)
This one is in our bedroom... yes, bedroom!And what does the Captain think?
Monday, November 17, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
In the red corner we have Thomas; and in the blue corner we have Jordin.
now you have your vote:
Blue (they need to lower the price... if we are to get it!)
Who do YOU think is going to win?
Saturday, November 1, 2008
When i had my wisdom teeth out, i had 2 different nurses try to get the IV in. The first on poked twice, Got one on my forearm, which hurt like a bugger. When i asked if it was supposed to burn the jumped up and pulled it out immediately. No, she says, it shouldnt. I felt so bad for her. She then went and got another nurse to try.
One time the blood work went so bad that my vein went black. In the soft part of the inside of my elbow was dark blues and purples, and the vein that was tapped was just black. It was very impressive.
On occasion i have tried to give blood to the blood bank, and it takes about half an hour to give a pint. Then i have a history of passing out. I am use to it. I usually warn the nurses before hand. They appreciate it. I find coke to be the best to drink after giving blood, that and oranges. But i prefer the cookies.
I scar from 'lines'. I have two very distinct marks on my left hand and forearm from when my boys were born. And where they draw blood on the inside of my arm looks like the track marks of an addict.
But right now, my hand hurts. Bruised and slightly swollen, marked from a painful encounter with a 'butterfly'. I will be getting to do it all again on Thursday.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
teetering precariously on the edge of contradicting emotions
swimming an endless ocean of experiences
obstructed by unseen handicaps
borders being drawn farther than imagined
Thursday, October 9, 2008
We finally have permission to sell the house... but they arent going to pay for it. Which throws another wrench into the works...
I so wish i could be involved more, but as my time here has an unknown end, it seems impossible.
I am watching as God fills in the spaces that i have been in, whether with friends or at church or... whatever. And i wonder if He will do the same for me. When i get to my new place, will He have them all set up for me? Will new people fill in the big empty spaces where those here have been, at least a little? Or will it be like last night?
I'm not saying any of this in a pity tone, but in a very seriously curious way.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Thomas leaves for Meaford this weekend. It is so sad! He is leaving and we cant go! I believe that things are going to work out the way God has planned. I guess that all of this is perfect. Even if i dont see it yet, i know i will in retrospect.
Friday, September 5, 2008
I need to still make the back yard wonderful, so suggests are welcome.
So... what does everyone think; how long until it sells?
(note: we are now on mls.ca, follow the link.)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
I think i am very unusual in that pain makes me focus clearly. My eyes were tearing, and my face stinging... but i didnt want the moment to be rushed, the pain was a fascinating sensation. I'm not saying that i want to do it again, but i dont mind pain. Pain is telling us something, and most people fight pain instead of going with it. And i find that after being in a little bit of pain, i seem to not be as distracted.
We had so much fun at the games. Especially the 2nd game, which we won and i got the last out out!!! I am sad that it is over. I wonder if i will be able to play next year.
We also had Thomas' cousin and partner (hurry up and get married, i really want to come to the wedding!!!!) visit Saturday. I love spending time with them. They are too much fun!!! But after they left i decided that i would put the younger kids to bed and not go to church. I thought i would be best for them because there was no way they could keep it together. But i am sad that i missed it!! Apparently we did some exercises writing people little cards. There are so many things i would love to say, but never have the opportunity. It sounds like it was a lot of fun!!!
I cant wait to see what this week brings!!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I am not happy this morning. I have a really bad cold, i didnt sleep well, and i have no idea how i am going to get dressed this morning. I can find the humour in this. Just not yet. And to top it all off, i cant find my cinnamon bun recipe.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Seriously, they have to have an idea by now! They have to have made a decision! What's the hold up?! I want to be assured that everything is ok... that we will be ok. I want to be able to make plans... this waiting for so long just isnt fun anymore. I try to remind myself that it is an adventure... but if i dont know where i am going, it is just stressful.
I usually love anticipation.. but at Christmas. I am trying to remember that this is an exciting time, with Thomas' promotion... and a new house. But i just want to know where i will be so that i can begin the adventure.
Please God, give me patience, so i dont have to be frustrated. You set all things in motion. And i know that this, too, will be good.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
About 6 weeks ago, Jul went fishing with his best friend Peter and his father Lei. When they got back they brought the fish all home. But one was alive, in a bucket. Jul and Peter come running in, showing it to me... then dump this sunfish (which happened to be bigger than this one in the picture) into our fish tank!!!
So, for weeks, this stinking fish, that Jul has called Peter, is swimming around, jumping and hitting the lights... and in all just making a mess of the tank! We released it back into the lake last weekend... after it ate all but one of the fish.
So after telling this story to Thomas' co-worker, the person said that Jul did a great job keeping the big fish alive!
Hmph. I guess it is all perspective.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Posting season is usually July for military members. Seeing as Thomas is on course right now, that isnt possible. So, he will be posted in August. But where? Have they already decided? And if so, why are they waiting so long to tell us! I feel a bit of comfort in thinking it has been decided already. In the mean time, Thomas is working like crazy to be 'Top Candidate' so that he has top choice of locations. (Or more importantly, of jobs.)
And i'm being greedy. I want a bigger house. I feel that i need a bigger house, and in many ways i do! 900 sq.f. is not enough for 5 of us. Or at least not enough for me to be able to keep it clean. Well, tidy. I detest using anti-bacterial soaps, and this has only reinforced why!!! (look past the rant about rock stars!)
Thursday, July 10, 2008
This child drives me crazy!!! And i love her so much! Her large dark eyes with thick lashes. Her sweet little nose. Her 'gorgeous' smile.
pictures to follow, once i find them!
Saturday, July 5, 2008
This past Thursday night i got slammed in the ankle with a very fast (and ill named) softball. Seeing as it is now Saturday... and it is still swollen, and still very sore, i'm wondering if i should have it checked out. I would hate to miss the game on Monday, and so i am avoiding being told something i dont want to hear. When i was 18 i broke my finger playing football... told the teacher i broke it, she said i didnt, so i kept playing. Finally on the advice of the volleyball coach i went 3 or 4 days later to have it xrayed. I still have a huge lump on my finger from the bone fragment... and it hurts if i havent knit in a while and then start up again.
So... i am reluctant to see a doctor. I hate thinking i am weak. And i know that ignoring the problem, doesnt fix it. I can walk on it... so everything is ok.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
As Oakley yelled at me from his room, while he was supposed to be napping, it could only mean one thing:
and it wasnt pretty. it was BLACK!!!! with little balls in it... i was quite worried at first. until i deciphered what they were... blueberries. Whole.
Okay, not one can write a symphony, or a dictionary,
or even a letter to an old friend, full of remembrance and comfort.
Not one can manage a single sound though the blue jays carp and whistle all day in the branches, without the push of the wind.
But to tell the truth after a while I'm pale with longing for their thick bodies ruckled with lichen
and you can't keep me from the woods, from the
tonnage of their shoulders, and their shining green hair.
Today is a day like any other: twenty-four hours, a little sunshine, a little rain.
Listen, says ambition, nervously shifting her weight fromone boot to another -- why don't you get going?
For there I am, in the mossy shadows, under the trees.
And to tell the truth I don't want to let go of the wrists of idleness,
I don't want to sell my life for money,
I don't even want to come in out of the rain.
~ Mary Oliver
I love this. and i would go as far to say i grasp desperately at the "wrists of idleness". I am not lazy... but i do love the slow, calm, serene days that i have. And no amount of money could get me to stop what it is that i do.
Monday, June 23, 2008
I sit and knit while watching two grown men beat each other up... and i love it!!! JULY 5th!!!! yeah!!!
i think i will cheer for Forrest.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
I, personally, have a harder time with the second part of that paragraph. I am incredibly sensitive, and easily hurt, despite how secure (and slightly defensive) i come off. And i think a lot of my response is because i dont want people to know how easily hurt i am.
I use to say: never cry in front of the one that hurt you, because you dont want them to know that they can hurt you. Because of that i am now overly defense. And i always found it interesting that people would tell me how open i am, or how "real" i am. I think people mistake my honesty for intimacy. That i allow them into my inner sanctum of who i am. But what i am doing is just being honest. I say things that others might not. They may think them, but never say them.
This can cause problems with people who misinterpret what i am saying. Sometimes what i say is perceived in a way that i didnt intend for it to be taken. It is the people who ask and call me on what i am say that i want to surround myself with. And it's the ones who keep their comments or questions to themselves that hurt me the most. Their 'silence' makes me question myself and makes the feel like i am not good enough, or even worse, that i am a bad person and a bad parent. I dont think am i either. I feel successful in my parenting and in my life.
I try hard to be careful. And i dont want to be so sensitive. But i am who i am, and i think part of my sensitivity helps me be more compassionate. I want to be known for that: my love and compassion.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
This can be especially difficult with family. And i find that with people who are negative regarding homeschooling in suggesting that my children will never learn how to interact with people that they might have difficulties with. And really, i would love to meet a family that doesnt have at least one difficult member! You cant avoid family entirely. But i do limit time with them or I alter my level of supervision.
I can do my best regarding certain children. But i cant avoid them all together. And, in fact, all i can do when they are around is remind Jul how i want him to play. This happened very recently. And i was very proud of how Jul responded!
Then there is the fact that i home educate. There are a few organizations that i can get involved with, but i choose not to. I think i will look into them, but i feel right now, where we are, at this time, i dont want to make myself more busy. And, then i have to decide how i want to be involved. Or more, who i want to be involved with within these organizations. Right now, i am happy with what organizations (such as PEG, YBA, Rustle and baseball) we are involved with.
Now, there are still people involved with each of these organization that i would rather not have around me, all i can do is try not to allow how i feel about them affect how i treat them, or i try not to allow the things they say to influence how i feel about myself.
I want to be a good influence. I try really hard to be a good influence on my children, and to others around me. Because, in the end, i am the one who will influence my children the most.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I have felt only slightly overwhelmed lately. But my brain doesnt seem fully functional, as Jul would say: 'i forgot my brain'.
It amazes me how much Thomas affects our home life when he isnt even around!! But everything truly revolves around him. And it makes sense, we are a unit.
My two youngest have only been awake for 1 hour and 1/2, respectively, and i am so glad that i didnt rush out the door, seeing as it has started to rain.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
My mind has been a blur.
There is so much going on, so much i am excited about. So many things i have been proud of accomplishing. So many things i want to share, but can never remember when i come and sit to write.
But what i have noticed, i am most coherent in the few minutes before i fall asleep. I think that is because i have settled down, and my brain isnt in over drive and able to verbalize in a calm and thoughtful manner.
Here is today though:
- weeks of calm and functional education at home
- waiting, not so patiently, regarding Thomas' course
- disappointment in my extended family
- joy in watching the children
Sorry there isnt more to this... just a slow reintegration back into sharing!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
There is only one position that is ranked on Thomas' course. There is no second place. And with much answer to prayer, Thomas has been ranked #1 unanimously, among his peers and staff. This is a huge honour!! I am so proud of him. It has been 5 years of waiting and praying and waiting more... and it is so exciting to see God answer these prayers and bless him.
Last night we played softball. It was so much fun!!! I really enjoyed it. I dont know if the team ended up winning, but i do know that i was batting 1.000!!! Thomas got an amazing out... and i played 1st base. I didnt drop the ball once! Yeah me!!
And as of today, we are both 30!
Monday, May 5, 2008
This morning Jul and i did some math by playing football. I think by the time he is 8 he will have no problem with his 7 times tables! We painted in the bath for a bit. And cleaned the house. Again.
I keep thinking that i need a curriculum, i need a better system, i need to focus more, i need to be more diligent, i need to be more creative.... and so on. What i think i really need is to settle down. Relax and get things in order for september. And maybe prepare a bit the night before. Hopefully by then Jul is back to Jul.
Jul's big joy in life right now is washing the floors. Which is great, except that i need to have it in a washable state. I am trying to have it that way daily, but with little co-operation.
Tonight i invited several people over who wanted to get together and chat 'home school stuff', and i think it is going to turn into a movie night, seeing as only 2 people are coming. Mind you, it was originally friday, then saturday and i was asked to move it to accommodate people... i dont think i am going to be so accommodating anymore.
Wednesday cant come fast enough.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I often go to my mom's with the kids when Thomas leaves, i find it makes it easier for them to say bye because it gives them something to look forward to. And i love the company and comfort of being around my mom.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
All i know is that i just want to hold him and tell him to never go.
I feel a little like Oakley, pouty and fussy and no one knows why.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
- You have some experience sewing.
- You have felted the sweater prior to starting
- You have read patterns before and know that they are MUCH more complicated than it really is to make...
I made two pairs of these pants in less than an hour. The pair in the picture took me about 30 mins... only because i tried to draw out the pattern and took pictures while sewing.... and almost electrocute myself.
The proportions are this: Waist divided by three (say for ease, 18 inches total, so 6 inches,) then you half that again (3 inches), because the sweater is folded in half, so, two sleeves, two-thirds of the waist.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
15 years ago i was half the age i am now. 15 was not a good year for me. Although from it i learned so much, i would not want to relive it... and if i had the opportunity to do it over knowing what i know now, i would do so much differently. Starting with the best part of my year, meeting Thomas.
10 years ago i was newly married and so eager and full of energy. And within a year we were living with house mates that almost ruined our friendship as 'man and wife'. But we grew up together.
5 years ago i had one child. And Thomas joined the army. He left on Jul's second birthday. I cried as i dropped him off outside Montreal at a huge building called the Mega. I sobbed in the car, and as i calmed enough to drive home, on the radio i heard 'The Scientist' for the first time. I did not marry Thomas in the hopes of being an army wife... in fact i opposed it vehemently!!! I did NOT want to be an army wife.
And now, i am a proud wife to my officer husband, learning and educating mother to 3 beautiful children. My sister and mother both entered 30 with denial. I dont mind being 30. It's a number that only tells how long i have been alive, but not what i have lived.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Today has been much improved from the previous week of turmoil! Jul's attitude has been up and down, but mainly up. And today, after doing our 'school' work and while finishing lunch Jul wrote a song... i wrote down the lyrics as he sang, and he wants to sing it this sunday....
Here it is!!!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
I am very grateful for my church. I was able to talk to another mom who works with troubled kids.... and it was so useful to be reminded of things that i seem to forget during the moment. Such as, when kids are angry they want to show how angry they are. And although i knew this, i couldnt see it. She also gave me some useful skills in dealing with Jul.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Today started out rough. Jul was in a bad mood and it took a long time to work him back to himself. And by around 11 i was feeling a little disappointed that it seemed like another "school day" wasted.
We read about Egypt and mummies. Did a huge amount of math problems. And at 3 (when i told Jul "school" is over) i asked if he wanted to watch some tv.
"No thank you, mommy, i'm reading to Clover."
And he was. I love the computer. He was reading stories from Starfall to her. The place is relatively tidy, i have done 2 loads of laundry.... today is a success.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
This past weekend the stress in the house came to blows. Thomas and i had it out. And after, we went out for supper. (thanks to my mom who watched the kids.)
And thank you, everyone who has listened to me last week... This week is already looking so much better than last week... despite the broken window in the front door.
Friday, March 14, 2008
"Then they sat with him on the ground. Seven days and nights they sat there without saying a word. They could see how rotten he felt, how deeply he was suffering."
Right now i want this. I dont want to feel better. I just want people to agree that it sucks. I want people to listen and to not discount my pain.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
10 Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."
11 The Levites calmed all the people, saying, "Be still, for this is a sacred day. Do not grieve."
Friday, February 29, 2008
I can get through this. I dont feel strong. But as long as i keep moving i dont have to think about what i am doing. Focus on the practical, and be willing to accept displaced aggression.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I know what it feels like to want to die. and not the "i-wish-i-was-dead-so-that-people-can-remind-me-what-is-worth-living-for", but to truly think that there is nothing left worth living for. I hated people talking to me as if they knew what i felt and that they could change my feelings. I have tried hard to never do that to anyone i have visited or supported through this. This time it is different.
I forgot my jacket. I'm not exactly thinking clearly. As i walked from the car to the hospital i really regretted not grabbing my mitts at least. And as i sat talking about what needs to be picked up and brought in, the gift to buy for a baby on their behalf, the book to be grabbed, where things are, i reminded the person that i was glad that i was getting these instruction from them and not having to figure out this stuff on my own. I dont feel sad or angry or even hurt.
When i left the hospital while waiting for the light to change i stared up at the snow falling gently through the soft glow and felt comforted and gratitude. What a beautiful night.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Thomas started his course on Wednesday. HOORAY! He is stressed out, not because it is over difficult, but because army course=stress.
I am trying to tidy... but procrastinating. I want to clean... but i dont know where to start... and my knitting is calling me.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
It is very important to me that he isnt offended or ashamed by everyday things... such as having lice. I think i am doing well with that. And he is enjoying being at home with us... mainly because we have watched two hours of tv this morning as i get everything ready to go to do more laundry... He is very aware of what people say to and about him and worries what people think.
So, in knowing that Jul is a very sensitive little boy, who really enjoys looking at beautiful things, but... is he going to grow up to be a pervert?!?! We were watching the Skate/gymnastics (while switching between hockey day in canada) and Jul pipes up and says: " i wish they were doing [gymnastics] naked." when asked why he said: "So that we can see their breasts."
What do i say to that?!?!!? ...the only thing that we could come up with is that breasts are very beautiful... and that breasts are for babies to nurse.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Right now i want to stop and count my blessings:
- my husband
- my mom
- Clover staying with us
- my sister
- my father
- my dear friends
- my children's friends
- my home
- my church
- my community
For about a year now i have been annoyed with God that someone special to me was in a bad relationship. I prayed and was so desperately annoyed with this person that they couldnt see how bad it was. Then i found out that it was worse and that my friend hadnt been telling me the whole truth about it. My friend left the relationship and i told this to another friend and he said, "so that is how God is answering your prayer". I didnt give credit where it was due. Instead i moved on to the next part. I said that now we need to pray that everything gets worked out.
Last night we got together with an old friend of Thomas's and his wife. i love this guy! He is wonderful and since we last saw him he found a lovely lady, became christian and married her!!! (insert praise here!) As we talked about our family, we said about our adoption... and our third miracle baby. Thomas's friend asked if we already had a miracle baby, doesnt that mean that the following baby isnt a miracle? For the record: all children are miracles!!! And i dont forget that about my own!!! Having more than one 'miracle baby' doesnt take away from it being a miracle! The opposite is true: they are even more miraculous! That God would bless me indeed!! That God would honour my prayers with more children is so humbling... especially since i dont always give him the recognition that He deserves.
Today i am going to stop and just thank God that he loves me and that He does answer prayer. I am not going to move on to the next request or the next part of the prayer. I am going to remember that he does answer prayers.
Thank you, LORD, even when i havent noticed, You have been there. And i greatly praise You!!!
Friday, January 4, 2008
I'm curious how smooth his return will be... how destroyed the house will be while he is gone. And we hope that Thomas will be on course this feb., which means he needs to use the rest of his leave before it starts.
I cherish this time we had together. I'm sure that it will be a time that i look back on with much fondness as i get on in years. This time will always bring me joy.
EDITED ON JAN 21: Today Thomas got his posting message; he is loaded on the course starting Feb. 20th!!!!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Hmmp...not very gracious of me. this is where i am going to focus on now. With much help from God.