Thursday, December 14, 2006
I learned an amazing amount of stuff about me and who i am while Thomas was gone. I haven't shared much of that with anyone yet. I have been working on a post (more for Thomas than anyone else), but it seems to be taking a long time to get out what i want to say.
I think all those around me feel the peace i have again now that Thomas is home... they all ask how he is and if it's nice having him back.... like it wouldn't be!!! A part of my soul was missing for 3 months... and now it is complete again. I am complete again.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Clover: Knock knock
Anyone: who's there?
Clover: Apple (or fish, or cow, or whatever)
Anyone: Apple who?
Jul: "Mommy, Astrid and i are playing 'Pirates of the Cariboo'!!!"
I dont know where they come up with these things... but i love each and every one of them!!!
Sunday, November 26, 2006
On another note, this is our last week without Thomas! I cant believe it is almost over. It feels (looking back on it) that it was just yesterday that he left... but really it's been almost 11 weeks. 11 weeks!!! That's a whole trimester.... 3 months basically. And we did it! I am pretty surprised that i did it. I wasn't sure that i would be able to do it... that i wouldn't make it. And really, i almost didn't. But i love that i have my sanity intact and friends who are family.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Thomas and I have been married for coming on 9 years. And in this time we have done much work and “studies” in community. For years in Christian circles this has been a catch-phrase: building community, having a “safe” community, being a part of community and so forth. I have said it before to many, many people; I am so SICK of talking about community.
My dream has always been to be a part of community. Meaning, we truly know each other. That we are honest and supportive of each other, no matter what. That we can always call on one another, good or bad. That we share possessions and love and our homes with each other. In my dream “community” each of us could show up unannounced and be welcomed into each others homes. That we accept whatever state that house is in and enjoy each other. That if we see a need, we don’t talk about what we can do to fill it, we just fill it. I know it is very radical thinking in many churches, where they like the safety of organized get-togethers and assistance, but I do truly believe that is what Jesus meant by love each other…
"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'…”
For me, when we moved back to Kingston, I was hoping that I would be done talking about it and live it. We got off to a difficult start. Not feeling like our “home church” was where God wanted us to be, we migrated to Next and had some difficulties fitting in, in the beginning. I have a wonderful understanding of what “community” should and could be, and have wanted to live it out, and have TRIED to live it out. But I never dreamed I would be the object of such immense community. I have found deeper friendships, more meaningful “sermons” than I imagined. I have prayed that my children would live not only in what a community should be, but it would become their family as well.
Peggers, Nexters and Rustlers are my extended family. You have all come into my life and have fed us on many levels, given me (us) a drink for a parched soul, you invited me in, and have clothed me (not only in my clothing, but blanketed me with love). On top of all that, you have accepted wherever I have been in my life, including the chaos, and have helped tamed it. And you have been there to celebrate all of our joys too! And I want to do the same for all of you, and I hope I have done the same for all of you!
I dreamed of and prayed for community. True to Jesus’ love and the “first church”… and God has answered my prayers with you! With all of us uniting to do what He has called us to… and I am so grateful that I am apart of it. Even when it is hard to be humble and accept people doing my laundry, or bringing me food, or helping me clean…I do love that I have a dream come true. And that prayer has been answered!
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Today at the midwives, they had Norah Jones playing. Not unusual. However, Jul noticed it for the first time and right away recognized her voice. A few weeks ago, we were at a car dealership looking at vehicles because we were afraid that a third seat may not fit in safely. While there Jul watched a Sesame street video about letter and Norah Jones was one of the contributers. Jul piped up at the clinic today and said "this is the girl who did the letter 'I' on the video".
WOW. I am so impressed that he recognized it...
He amazes me daily.
Monday, October 9, 2006
Thursday, October 5, 2006
So many people since Thomas left (and before he left) said to me that if I need help or anything at all to call them, and they will be there for me. I truly appreciate this from all who offer. I do need help. But I don’t know how anyone can help us or our situation. And I am not even sure what I need help with. I’m exhausted. Does that mean I need to sleep more? No, it means I am almost 8 months pregnant. Jul is having difficulties going to bed at night. How can anyone help me with that? I don’t know how to help him myself. I know he misses Daddy, but I can’t bring him home.
I keep wondering; if I had this or that would I feel overwhelmed with chores? Probably, no “appliance” or assistant is going to help the fact that I am tired and my kids won’t go to bed until I am almost ready to sleep myself. Everyone wants to help out… be the body of Christ for me. And I love them all for it. But I don’t know where to start. I find it easy to ask for things that are obvious. As I am sure most would. Where do I turn or what help do I ask for when my kids are crying and I need comforting too? And how do I keep comforting them on an issue that I have little comfort in myself?
If we, the church, are the body, and the knees are scraped, what do we do to bandage them? If the brain of the church stops coordinating things in the body, what kind of neurologist helps with it? How does a church stop the hurt of so many? And how do we assess the order of neediness?
Ok, so I need help. But I don’t know what to ask for.
Wednesday, October 4, 2006
Today I had an appointment with the midwives. My mom had offered to come and watch the kids for me. And i am so glad that i didn’t take her up on it!
There are student midwives learning right now in the community and there was a "lesson" happening as we were leaving. Anita was teaching Jane how to rupture a "membrane" (balloon) on a dumby that actually had a doll inside of it. Jul got right into the middle of it, and they not only let him, but encouraged him!! And after the balloon was popped he got to play with the hook, looking at what happened. If that wasn’t enough, Jul then asked to help birth the baby! Anita taught him how to help the baby out by holding the vagina and perineum and then how to gently lift the baby up as it exits. It was amazing to watch him in the mix of all these women-midwives and see his fascination.
And it is times like that that i am so excited about educating him at home!
Sunday, October 1, 2006
Jul and i have decided that once a week we are going to go to a new restaurant and try something different. Today we had Biryani. Its chicken, basmati rice, coconut and some seasoning that makes it a nice golden yellow colour. It was so good, (and there are left overs) that we are having it again for supper! I cant wait to figure out something else next week! Maybe we should do research on what to eat (or what country) and then have even more fun trying something out that we know a little about.
Jade is coming over monday to help me sort things out a bit, trying to get things in order... Then i will go to her house and help her. I think it is easier to help someone else in their house, than to do your own. I never know where to start in my house, but i have no difficulties in someone elses house.
Monday, August 7, 2006
I have SO missed being around my friends lately... I miss sitting and chatting with them, sharing thoughts ideas, joys and frustrations with them. I miss the quiet comfort of having them near me and real conversations that you can only have with girl friends. I enjoy the things they say, how they challenge and encourage me. Excitement is barely the word when it comes to getting together with them, either one on one or in a big group.
Yet, i'm not ready to give up my time with Thomas. I dont want to share my time with the other people that i love so much. This time we have together is so precious! And being able to do things as a family is fantastic! We have never had time like this before. And i am being so selfish with it. So my dear friends... but i am not ready to give this up yet! But soon i will be back.
Thursday, August 3, 2006
So often as a housewife i feel so incredibly inadequate!! If Thomas is alone with the kids, i come home to an emmaculate house, a gourmet meal, and a craft from the kids. All of which i love, but i feel like we choose poorly with me staying at home and Thomas working.
However, we were having an ultrasound, and Thomas (who was resting) decided he would stay and rest instead of getting up and coming with Jul and I. I was gone no longer than an hour and walk through the door, to yet another perfect house, a smiling child and... WAIT! what is this?! "I am going to kill her!"
So, while i was gone for the ultrasound, Clover woke up, minutes after i left, had loose poops, taken off her diaper and smeared it all over anything she could touch in her bedroom. (bed, walls curtain, window...) She then came and woke up Thomas who put her in the bath tub to clean her, then went to the bedroom to clean up her mess. Only to complete that, and have to do the bathroom.
Clover pulled the plug, and sprayed shampoo and body wash all over the bathroom. So, now, neither her or the bathroom was clean. And Thomas had to do both, clean her and the bathroom... but instead of keeping her with him, he took her down stairs after he cleaned her and went back upstairs and cleaned the bathroom... then came downstairs to garbage everywhere!
To make things even better, as he came down, a friend of his showed up and got to walk through all the garbage with him.
I got told, that he is not cut out to be a homemaker. That what i do i so much harder than anything he can "handle".
It was nice to hear, but it made me laugh hystarically because he was the one who wanted the ultrasound in the first place!!!
Wednesday, August 2, 2006
I wish more and more that i had the faith of Jul. I am trying to plant a seed in him, but it is him who teaches me about God daily! Over the past month i have been amazed by his faith and understanding of God's love. And his complete unashamed love he has for God.
A month ago at a YMCA day camp, he stood up and started singing. Not just any song, but "Jesus loves me". Completely unprompted. And while i was being told this, i was so proud of him... and yet so scared of what others would say. And then yesterday at the midwives, he started singing "Jesus loves the little children" for the midwife. I feel so convicted because i almost felt that he should choose a different song... but then i would be pulling him away from Jesus.
At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children."
There are basic fundamentals that have been quashed from my faith. And one of them is that i dont have to hide my faith from anyone... if someone doesnt like me because of my faith, that isnt my fault. And it isnt about me, but about God. I cant handle that kind of rejection, but (unfortunately) God can. And does endure it daily from many people. I dont want to be one of them. I want to teach my children about God, i want to write His commands above the door, I want to bring up my children to God, so that they never leave Him.
I think it is two ways though... as i teach Jul (and Clover) about His Word, they teach me about His heart!
And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."
I am raising children to grow up and be men and women of God, and they are teaching me how to be a child of God.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Last week i was feeling sick and really tired. Thomas took Jul grocery shopping with him while Clover slept. When they got home i had to hide my face from what they were bringing in... and then Jul set five things up on his little table and covered them...
"Jordin Peters, come on over!!!" was his best rendition of 'The Price is Right' calling a contestant down. So i walk over and act all excited for him... then he starts pulling covers off of things to show me all the little 'gifts' they bought me at the store.
I felt so much better because of how sweet he was... apparently Jul wanted to get me stuff he knew i liked to make me happy...
What a great kid!
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Thomas and my opinions for the treatments have swapped. He thinks that one month is enough... and i feel that if it didnt work this time that i would like to do one more month. I wonder how much of his opinion is from me complaining and how much of it is from the reactions i have to the medication. And in so many ways i wish i could will myself into pregnancy. Does God look at effort...i mean... does he see if someone is trying? Does it make a difference?
"does the hope out weight the disappointment?"
Good question. I dont know... The confidence that Thomas has that i will get pregnant again means that there is hope. I dont feel the same at all. But i wonder if the difference is that i am afraid to hope... because i might be disappointed when it doesnt happen. I guess i feel that if i dont hope, then i cant be disappointed, because it will never happen anyways.
I am afraid though. I dont know how to hope for something that i dont expect to happen. And i dont expect the treatment to work. So, why bother doing it? I guess that goes back to whether or not God expects us to put any effort forth. There is no life without God... so, i could do nothing and i might get pregnant.
It is just so confusing. But at least i have Thomas and friends to talk to about it.
Friday, March 17, 2006
We start watching Thomas' nephew on monday. I do want to help Marie out, i just dont know how i feel about babysitting every day. I want us to be able to do things and go places. This time off is for us to do things. So we will have to see what happens. The next two weeks Liam is here. But after that her schedual will be sorted out. And hopefully we will have some time back to ourselves. So we can go places and do things. I have no problem taking another child around.... but we want to go places and we cant do that if we watch him every day. I know i am being selfish. But i dont want to share my time with Thomas. And i feel guilty of that. Partially because i am being gluttenous, and partly because i dont even want to share him with our kids.
I am loving lazy afternoons... quiet. and very peaceful.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
On another note... I am so excited about the prospect of the church planting around the corner from me. We choose this area specifically. Although, we would love to live closer to downtown, we also feel a responciblity to our community. Last year i even hired a boy from around the corner to do odd jobs for me. Jobs i can do, and did do. but i felt if i could hire him, then he would have something to do, and money to do things with. He came from a home with a step dad who didnt work, and wouldnt allow him to stay in the house, so he was out all the time. He didnt get an allowance at home... so i feel like i was able to contribute and help him a little. This is where i want to be, either in kingston, toronto or ottawa... in a community that helps the community. I love doing it. And i am glad that we are going to be doing it here!