Thursday, June 12, 2008

A response to Michelle's comment

"Now, there are still people involved with each of these organization that i would rather not have around me, all i can do is try not to allow how i feel about them affect how i treat them, or i try not to allow the things they say to influence how i feel about myself."

I, personally, have a harder time with the second part of that paragraph. I am incredibly sensitive, and easily hurt, despite how secure (and slightly defensive) i come off. And i think a lot of my response is because i dont want people to know how easily hurt i am.

I use to say: never cry in front of the one that hurt you, because you dont want them to know that they can hurt you. Because of that i am now overly defense. And i always found it interesting that people would tell me how open i am, or how "real" i am. I think people mistake my honesty for intimacy. That i allow them into my inner sanctum of who i am. But what i am doing is just being honest. I say things that others might not. They may think them, but never say them.

This can cause problems with people who misinterpret what i am saying. Sometimes what i say is perceived in a way that i didnt intend for it to be taken. It is the people who ask and call me on what i am say that i want to surround myself with. And it's the ones who keep their comments or questions to themselves that hurt me the most. Their 'silence' makes me question myself and makes the feel like i am not good enough, or even worse, that i am a bad person and a bad parent. I dont think am i either. I feel successful in my parenting and in my life.

I try hard to be careful. And i dont want to be so sensitive. But i am who i am, and i think part of my sensitivity helps me be more compassionate. I want to be known for that: my love and compassion.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

What I think of as politeness but what is REALLLLLY defensiveness can get in the way sometimes. I'm not sure my well defined boundaries have always served me well. Michelle