Friday, July 30, 2010

I started writing this while in kingston last. I am coming back this week and needed to finish this.for everyone.

I want to hold onto the this time. My heart is so full that it is overflowing, and i want to catch all the overflow. And there is so much overflow!

I love the moments like rubbing a child's back until their breathing slows and deepens. Their little bodies succumbing to sleep. I love how soft their skin is and smooth their hair. If i could hold onto that moment forever….

It was hard to hold back the tears as i walked into that building. Seeing all the people i love and miss so much gathered together to celebrate the joining of souls. And what a party! Once the music started i had to wipe tears away! If nothing else had happened all day but the music my glass would have overflowed. But there was so much more! The smiles, the exchange, the dishes… so so much.

Sitting on the grass listening to live music. The breeze blowing the smell of beach to me. And not any beach, but that on Lake Ontario. The feel of a quilt made by my mom covering the bumpy grass. The fabric under my toes. Children running around, yelling to each other over the music that sings into my soul.

Hugging a dear friend and then getting to rub her scalp, where her hair once grew. Knowing how blessed i am to have her in my life. The joy and strength of her love and relationship with God is too much for my cup to hold on to. Thank you.

I need to hold onto these moments so that when i return to my real life i will not empty too quickly. I need to hold these in reserve, gerry cans full of these moments. Holding my heart up with love, instead of it dangling in my chest.

Thank you my dear sweet friends. For moments like these!

There are moms in my life who i admire greatly. And because of that i feel encouraged by my parenting. I like watching and hearing how they deal with difficult situations, i find it reminds me of the type of parent i want to be.

but then there is a difference. Our children. I can do all the things that they do, but still not have their children. I have my own. And sometimes i forget how to parent them.

I know, i know. It is hard to forget. But there are times that i am over tired, or they have been just plain difficult (such as last thursday when Clover stole 4 yogurt drinks for her and Oakley... then later in the afternoon snuck the whole bag of chocolate covered almonds (or amnums as oakley says)).

But in my moments of clarity i am a good mom. And i wish i could always remember how to be a good mom, and not have regrets. I also wish my kids would remember that they are great kids. And in there lies the problem. I often tell them what not to do. And i try to remember to tell them when they are behaving well... but i think i falter there.

My children individually are incredible to take out, or have at home for that matter. But together they feel that they have to vie for my attention. Or they try to one-up the other. This aways leads to disaster. So, for the next few weeks, i am going to remember to treat my kids as if i have them alone. Build up who they are, and why i love them. I'm not going to worry about saying i love you to one, and not the other. They need to see how incredibly special they are to me.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I am feeling both encouraged and discouraged about this school year. Jul seems to be willing to focus and do work. But Clover, who was more eager for school to begin, is fighting me with everything i want to do! I am noticing, however, that if i tell her what i want her to do, then walk away and leave it, she will come to me with the completed work. I dont know how i feel about this. I feel that i can get better work out of her if she would be willing to work with me. But on the other hand, while she is working with me, she does nothing! I think she is hoping for more intense work. And i think the solution will come, eventually.

One of my ideas for Clover is that i get her a supplement work book. any other ideas?