Yesterday the children loudly playing, boxes cluttering up the space. The blizzard blowing so hard at times that i couldnt see the church. Thankfully the company was wonderful. The weather seemed to reflect how i had been feeling for the past few weeks.

This is after the blizzard raged. The tail light of Rachel's car glowing from the flash.




Such a stark contrast to today. I'm sitting writing this from my couch in the dining room while the kids eat english muffins. Relaxing after the whirlwind of moving, unpacking, organizing, birthdays and friends. It looks like a snow globe outside, the snow falling so gently and the view from my window so serene.

Thomas's grandfather would come up with the craziest sayings.... he would call Thomas 'the great chinese-canadian grapefruit'.

or:
If your cry at my funeral i will wake up out of my coffin and break all the bones in your eyelash...

and although Jul never met this man, whom he is named after, he shares many traits with him, and tonight he only reinforced it by saying this:

if i run into him (james bond) i'm going to freak out like a baby with a Popsicle on his foot

what does that mean?!

oh my goodness!!! just dont use olive oil!!!

cake in a cup

There are things about Rabbi Shmuley i love! He is passionate and brutally honest. He speaks with complete conviction. I love that he spells G-d without O's because of the name being so holy. The Name is holy. He is right.

About almost everything. The only thing he is wrong about: the Messiah has come. He came, He saw, He lived, died and lives again! Rabbi Shmuley is doing the work of G-d. He is searching and discovering the secrets of G-ds heart. Jesus is probably saying 'AMEN, brother!' to what this Rabbi preaches! I know i am.

This has been the most difficult year of our marriage. There has been so much that has happened and so much that has kept us from growing together. But this is the first time i dont feel scared about how the reunion will go.

When Thomas first joined the army we were separated for just about as long as this has been, but this time it feels different. I dont feel like we are struggling to keep connected this time. Instead it feels like we have both been growing parallel to each other on our way to rejoining.

I feel so sad about leaving kingston. Well... i feel sad about leaving the people. And before, in previous times, reuniting would have been difficult if it hadnt been for family and friends to help us get out together by babysitting. This time, however, i feel excited. What a great opportunity! A new city, new house, new job, new church.

I know that there will be an adjustment time, but i dont think it will be complicated this time. I think it will be an adventure. I think we are going to grow as a family in a great way... and i am so excited to see it.

NOTE: we own this house, and might have found a buyer for ours.


I am taking a risk at sharing all this.

We still havent had the finacing come through for the house we want... but i am going to step out in faith, and also have all of you pray for us! We have 5% of the hosue in our account, right now. But CHMA (morgage insurance company) wants us to come up with another 5%. We are really close.

So... (drumroll please) Here it is!!!!

I love it!

Most of you can go to previous posts to go through the virtual tour online... but i am also going to upload pictures of the 3 fireplaces that dont show well online.

The fireplace above is in the formal dining room...which we will probably use as a living room.

The one below is in the front room (which Thomas wishes to put a pool table in... but we will have to see if that will work)

This one is in our bedroom... yes, bedroom!And what does the Captain think?

OH NO!!!! who is this? It's the masked advenger!! Thomas is tagging out, but Jordin, dispite the assault she has taken, is still in this.

What a match up!!!

Brock vs Couture

It's fight night!! And it promises to be a good one!

In the red corner we have Thomas; and in the blue corner we have Jordin.

now you have your vote:

Red

or

Blue (they need to lower the price... if we are to get it!)

Who do YOU think is going to win?

My hand hurts. I dont have very good veins... which makes blood work uncomfortable at times. I've had my veins roll, collapse and completely disappear. Sometimes when the nurse cant find a 'good' vein, they use a butterfly needle on my hand... and sometimes an infant butterfly.

When i had my wisdom teeth out, i had 2 different nurses try to get the IV in. The first on poked twice, Got one on my forearm, which hurt like a bugger. When i asked if it was supposed to burn the jumped up and pulled it out immediately. No, she says, it shouldnt. I felt so bad for her. She then went and got another nurse to try.

One time the blood work went so bad that my vein went black. In the soft part of the inside of my elbow was dark blues and purples, and the vein that was tapped was just black. It was very impressive.

On occasion i have tried to give blood to the blood bank, and it takes about half an hour to give a pint. Then i have a history of passing out. I am use to it. I usually warn the nurses before hand. They appreciate it. I find coke to be the best to drink after giving blood, that and oranges. But i prefer the cookies.

I scar from 'lines'. I have two very distinct marks on my left hand and forearm from when my boys were born. And where they draw blood on the inside of my arm looks like the track marks of an addict.

But right now, my hand hurts. Bruised and slightly swollen, marked from a painful encounter with a 'butterfly'. I will be getting to do it all again on Thursday.

calm/anxious
content/frustrated
secure/scared
overwhelmed/unimpressed

teetering precariously on the edge of contradicting emotions
swimming an endless ocean of experiences
obstructed by unseen handicaps
borders being drawn farther than imagined

ithirstformorethanthis

gaps

Week 3 of Thomas being gone is almost over. It seems to have gone relatively fast. There have been dentist appointments, pulled teeth, canned tomatoes, open houses, lowered prices, cleaning and more cleaning. This weekend as something special to it: Thomas has an extra day off. But that doesnt mean an extra day of rest. We have an open house this saturday, feast at church sunday, then maybe one at my dads, and another feast on monday.

We finally have permission to sell the house... but they arent going to pay for it. Which throws another wrench into the works...

I so wish i could be involved more, but as my time here has an unknown end, it seems impossible.

I am watching as God fills in the spaces that i have been in, whether with friends or at church or... whatever. And i wonder if He will do the same for me. When i get to my new place, will He have them all set up for me? Will new people fill in the big empty spaces where those here have been, at least a little? Or will it be like last night?

I'm not saying any of this in a pity tone, but in a very seriously curious way.

It feels like an eternity! Yet it has been only 2 weeks. Trying to keep out house clean during all this has been an event in itself. We had an offer already. But it wasnt a good one. I dont think we are being unrealistic with what we are asking for our house, especially with the cost of other houses in kingston.

Thomas leaves for Meaford this weekend. It is so sad! He is leaving and we cant go! I believe that things are going to work out the way God has planned. I guess that all of this is perfect. Even if i dont see it yet, i know i will in retrospect.

it hits

SO.... i think whirlwind is an understatement!!! We have gotten more accomplished these few days, than in five years!!! The house is now on the market. Right now!!! (It should be up on mls very shortly!) So, listed on Wednesday, a showing Thursday. Does it seem overly hopeful that the people liked it enough after one showing....

I need to still make the back yard wonderful, so suggests are welcome.

So... what does everyone think; how long until it sells?

(note: we are now on mls.ca, follow the link.)

Here it is

Thomas is now a Captain. And by November, we will be living in Meaford.

retrospective

Softball and i have a very tumultuous relationship. Most of the time, we go well together. Other times, not so much. As was displayed Friday night. But in many ways, it might have been so appropriate to end the season the way it started; with a broken nose. But i will not yield!! I played no matter what. And had so much fun!!!! (i dont believe it to be broken... but i was reminded by one of my teammates that i am not always good at knowing when to say when.)

I think i am very unusual in that pain makes me focus clearly. My eyes were tearing, and my face stinging... but i didnt want the moment to be rushed, the pain was a fascinating sensation. I'm not saying that i want to do it again, but i dont mind pain. Pain is telling us something, and most people fight pain instead of going with it. And i find that after being in a little bit of pain, i seem to not be as distracted.

We had so much fun at the games. Especially the 2nd game, which we won and i got the last out out!!! I am sad that it is over. I wonder if i will be able to play next year.

We also had Thomas' cousin and partner (hurry up and get married, i really want to come to the wedding!!!!) visit Saturday. I love spending time with them. They are too much fun!!! But after they left i decided that i would put the younger kids to bed and not go to church. I thought i would be best for them because there was no way they could keep it together. But i am sad that i missed it!! Apparently we did some exercises writing people little cards. There are so many things i would love to say, but never have the opportunity. It sounds like it was a lot of fun!!!

I cant wait to see what this week brings!!

bad bad bad

I had the worse night EVER!!!! I could hear little mice under my house. Yuck. I went to be at a reasonable time. Where i was wakened by a bat flying around. Scary. My neighbour's alarm went off at 6am, very loudly. Frustrating. Then i come down stairs, go to the car to get my extra glasses (because there is no way i am going back into my bedroom with a bat still in there!!!), come back into the kitchen, and there are raccoons in my back yard! One drinking out of the pool! INFURIATING!!!

I am not happy this morning. I have a really bad cold, i didnt sleep well, and i have no idea how i am going to get dressed this morning. I can find the humour in this. Just not yet. And to top it all off, i cant find my cinnamon bun recipe.

"They Say That in the Army..."

I am so anxious!!! I am having a hard time focusing on anything right now. It's easier to be distracted by, well, anything than stay on task. I hate that we STILL dont know where Thomas is going to be posted to. Why must it take so stinking long?! Thomas keeps saying 'hopefully by the end of next week'. Well, no kidding!!! The course ends the week after, and parade is in 19 days! What the heck!?

Seriously, they have to have an idea by now! They have to have made a decision! What's the hold up?! I want to be assured that everything is ok... that we will be ok. I want to be able to make plans... this waiting for so long just isnt fun anymore. I try to remind myself that it is an adventure... but if i dont know where i am going, it is just stressful.

I usually love anticipation.. but at Christmas. I am trying to remember that this is an exciting time, with Thomas' promotion... and a new house. But i just want to know where i will be so that i can begin the adventure.

ARGH!!!

Please God, give me patience, so i dont have to be frustrated. You set all things in motion. And i know that this, too, will be good.

Peter

Someone at Thomas' work suggested getting a dog. Thomas asked who would take care of it. They said Jul. To which Thomas said that Jul cant keep fish alive, let alone a dog!!!

About 6 weeks ago, Jul went fishing with his best friend Peter and his father Lei. When they got back they brought the fish all home. But one was alive, in a bucket. Jul and Peter come running in, showing it to me... then dump this sunfish (which happened to be bigger than this one in the picture) into our fish tank!!!

So, for weeks, this stinking fish, that Jul has called Peter, is swimming around, jumping and hitting the lights... and in all just making a mess of the tank! We released it back into the lake last weekend... after it ate all but one of the fish.

So after telling this story to Thomas' co-worker, the person said that Jul did a great job keeping the big fish alive!

Hmph. I guess it is all perspective.

I have no words for this. But i agree.

My mind is running every which way and back again. I am trying to stay focused on now. And right now, i need to bake. But what i have been thinking about is: where are we going to be in 6 months. Not figuratively, but literally.

Posting season is usually July for military members. Seeing as Thomas is on course right now, that isnt possible. So, he will be posted in August. But where? Have they already decided? And if so, why are they waiting so long to tell us! I feel a bit of comfort in thinking it has been decided already. In the mean time, Thomas is working like crazy to be 'Top Candidate' so that he has top choice of locations. (Or more importantly, of jobs.)

And i'm being greedy. I want a bigger house. I feel that i need a bigger house, and in many ways i do! 900 sq.f. is not enough for 5 of us. Or at least not enough for me to be able to keep it clean. Well, tidy. I detest using anti-bacterial soaps, and this has only reinforced why!!! (look past the rant about rock stars!)

Clover

Clover calls thistles 'pistols', and gorillas 'granolas'. She gives the evil eye to strangers, yet can melt their hearts when she smiles. Plays in beautiful dresses that shouldnt be played in... sneaks around eating all the lolly pops, then hides the evidence. Sings constantly in her sweet little nasally voice.

This child drives me crazy!!! And i love her so much! Her large dark eyes with thick lashes. Her sweet little nose. Her 'gorgeous' smile.

pictures to follow, once i find them!

Softball

I am loving softball. I didnt expect that i would enjoy it as much as i do. Maybe it's due to the fact that i am way better than i thought i would be.

This past Thursday night i got slammed in the ankle with a very fast (and ill named) softball. Seeing as it is now Saturday... and it is still swollen, and still very sore, i'm wondering if i should have it checked out. I would hate to miss the game on Monday, and so i am avoiding being told something i dont want to hear. When i was 18 i broke my finger playing football... told the teacher i broke it, she said i didnt, so i kept playing. Finally on the advice of the volleyball coach i went 3 or 4 days later to have it xrayed. I still have a huge lump on my finger from the bone fragment... and it hurts if i havent knit in a while and then start up again.

So... i am reluctant to see a doctor. I hate thinking i am weak. And i know that ignoring the problem, doesnt fix it. I can walk on it... so everything is ok.

Right?

As we started our breakfast, it started to rain...

i was not about to let the rain get us down.
he really liked being outside
pee break
SPLASH!
all our boots How do they know!?
Very full boot...

Lots of fun!!!

blueberries + raspberries=

Black poop.

As Oakley yelled at me from his room, while he was supposed to be napping, it could only mean one thing:

He pooped.

and it wasnt pretty. it was BLACK!!!! with little balls in it... i was quite worried at first. until i deciphered what they were... blueberries. Whole.

Yuck.

Black Oaks

Okay, not one can write a symphony, or a dictionary,

or even a letter to an old friend, full of remembrance and comfort.

Not one can manage a single sound though the blue jays carp and whistle all day in the branches, without the push of the wind.

But to tell the truth after a while I'm pale with longing for their thick bodies ruckled with lichen

and you can't keep me from the woods, from the

tonnage of their shoulders, and their shining green hair.

Today is a day like any other: twenty-four hours, a little sunshine, a little rain.

Listen, says ambition, nervously shifting her weight fromone boot to another -- why don't you get going?

For there I am, in the mossy shadows, under the trees.

And to tell the truth I don't want to let go of the wrists of idleness,

I don't want to sell my life for money,

I don't even want to come in out of the rain.

~ Mary Oliver

I love this. and i would go as far to say i grasp desperately at the "wrists of idleness". I am not lazy... but i do love the slow, calm, serene days that i have. And no amount of money could get me to stop what it is that i do.

well... i always knew i was different from other girls... But it became painfully clear this evening after playing softball. I got into a conversation about UFC and about the big match coming up. Oh man i am so excited. I was saying i dont know who to cheer for...

I sit and knit while watching two grown men beat each other up... and i love it!!! JULY 5th!!!! yeah!!!


i think i will cheer for Forrest.

A response to Michelle's comment

"Now, there are still people involved with each of these organization that i would rather not have around me, all i can do is try not to allow how i feel about them affect how i treat them, or i try not to allow the things they say to influence how i feel about myself."

I, personally, have a harder time with the second part of that paragraph. I am incredibly sensitive, and easily hurt, despite how secure (and slightly defensive) i come off. And i think a lot of my response is because i dont want people to know how easily hurt i am.

I use to say: never cry in front of the one that hurt you, because you dont want them to know that they can hurt you. Because of that i am now overly defense. And i always found it interesting that people would tell me how open i am, or how "real" i am. I think people mistake my honesty for intimacy. That i allow them into my inner sanctum of who i am. But what i am doing is just being honest. I say things that others might not. They may think them, but never say them.

This can cause problems with people who misinterpret what i am saying. Sometimes what i say is perceived in a way that i didnt intend for it to be taken. It is the people who ask and call me on what i am say that i want to surround myself with. And it's the ones who keep their comments or questions to themselves that hurt me the most. Their 'silence' makes me question myself and makes the feel like i am not good enough, or even worse, that i am a bad person and a bad parent. I dont think am i either. I feel successful in my parenting and in my life.

I try hard to be careful. And i dont want to be so sensitive. But i am who i am, and i think part of my sensitivity helps me be more compassionate. I want to be known for that: my love and compassion.

seclution

Today at PEG we talked about how do we decide who influences our children. Or at least that is what we were supposed to talk about. I didnt plan on leading it so i didnt prepare any questions. However, i ended up trying. But it did get me thinking, how so i decide. Or do i decide at all.

This can be especially difficult with family. And i find that with people who are negative regarding homeschooling in suggesting that my children will never learn how to interact with people that they might have difficulties with. And really, i would love to meet a family that doesnt have at least one difficult member! You cant avoid family entirely. But i do limit time with them or I alter my level of supervision.

I can do my best regarding certain children. But i cant avoid them all together. And, in fact, all i can do when they are around is remind Jul how i want him to play. This happened very recently. And i was very proud of how Jul responded!

Then there is the fact that i home educate. There are a few organizations that i can get involved with, but i choose not to. I think i will look into them, but i feel right now, where we are, at this time, i dont want to make myself more busy. And, then i have to decide how i want to be involved. Or more, who i want to be involved with within these organizations. Right now, i am happy with what organizations (such as PEG, YBA, Rustle and baseball) we are involved with.

Now, there are still people involved with each of these organization that i would rather not have around me, all i can do is try not to allow how i feel about them affect how i treat them, or i try not to allow the things they say to influence how i feel about myself.

I want to be a good influence. I try really hard to be a good influence on my children, and to others around me. Because, in the end, i am the one who will influence my children the most.

I have been so excited lately. I have been loving almost every aspect of life lately. Yet, i have been unable to post. Why? I think partly because my mind goes blank whenever i try to write something. And partly because i feel i give an inaccurate view of what my life is like. I hate reading blogs that only show the pretty part of their life. I want to give the whole picture of what my life is like. Only lately, my life has felt incredibly insane!!! On course, finished course, bumped from course, on course again. On the ball, dropping the ball, learning, forgetting, happy and excited, frustrated and disappointed.

I have felt only slightly overwhelmed lately. But my brain doesnt seem fully functional, as Jul would say: 'i forgot my brain'.

It amazes me how much Thomas affects our home life when he isnt even around!! But everything truly revolves around him. And it makes sense, we are a unit.

My two youngest have only been awake for 1 hour and 1/2, respectively, and i am so glad that i didnt rush out the door, seeing as it has started to rain.

I have been neglectful.

My mind has been a blur.

There is so much going on, so much i am excited about. So many things i have been proud of accomplishing. So many things i want to share, but can never remember when i come and sit to write.

But what i have noticed, i am most coherent in the few minutes before i fall asleep. I think that is because i have settled down, and my brain isnt in over drive and able to verbalize in a calm and thoughtful manner.

Here is today though:

• weeks of calm and functional education at home
• waiting, not so patiently, regarding Thomas' course
• disappointment in my extended family
• joy in watching the children

Sorry there isnt more to this... just a slow reintegration back into sharing!

This week, starting last thursday, has been amazing!!!

There is only one position that is ranked on Thomas' course. There is no second place. And with much answer to prayer, Thomas has been ranked #1 unanimously, among his peers and staff. This is a huge honour!! I am so proud of him. It has been 5 years of waiting and praying and waiting more... and it is so exciting to see God answer these prayers and bless him.

Last night we played softball. It was so much fun!!! I really enjoyed it. I dont know if the team ended up winning, but i do know that i was batting 1.000!!! Thomas got an amazing out... and i played 1st base. I didnt drop the ball once! Yeah me!!

And as of today, we are both 30!

Monday Ramblings

This weekend and today have felt more busy than what they were. And i feel like i am on a treadmill; moving quickly but getting no where.

This morning Jul and i did some math by playing football. I think by the time he is 8 he will have no problem with his 7 times tables! We painted in the bath for a bit. And cleaned the house. Again.

I keep thinking that i need a curriculum, i need a better system, i need to focus more, i need to be more diligent, i need to be more creative.... and so on. What i think i really need is to settle down. Relax and get things in order for september. And maybe prepare a bit the night before. Hopefully by then Jul is back to Jul.

Jul's big joy in life right now is washing the floors. Which is great, except that i need to have it in a washable state. I am trying to have it that way daily, but with little co-operation.

Tonight i invited several people over who wanted to get together and chat 'home school stuff', and i think it is going to turn into a movie night, seeing as only 2 people are coming. Mind you, it was originally friday, then saturday and i was asked to move it to accommodate people... i dont think i am going to be so accommodating anymore.

Wednesday cant come fast enough.

On Sunday on our walk back from the book fair at church, we stopped at the local high school to eat lunch outside. Clover tumbled a little and pouted. Thomas walked over and hugged her to make her feel better. Oakley watched all this very intently. After it all played out, he put his hands on the ground and very slowly lowered his head until the top barely touched the ground. He popped up, looked over to Thomas and gave the same pout Clover gave. Thomas went over to him and comforted him the way that he did for Clover. The funny part of the story is that Oakley repeated "hitting" his head and running to Thomas for comfort about a dozen times.

Home

Last night i spend the night with the kids at my mom's house. I wasnt sure how Oakley would do, seeing as our last few times trying to get him to sleep in a play pen was horrible, and he wont sleep with me anymore... so i was quite concerned. But he put my fears to rest as i laid him down with no difficulty. In the morning, he lay so sweetly, completely covered with a quilt. Then every 10 mins or so he would lift it and look at me, stare for a minute, then put his arm back down. We did this for 90 mins or so.

I often go to my mom's with the kids when Thomas leaves, i find it makes it easier for them to say bye because it gives them something to look forward to. And i love the company and comfort of being around my mom.

Minutes ago we dropped Thomas off on the base for his ten day exercise. Having him away has gotten easier over the years. But for some reason, this one seems hard to me. I dont know what it is. It's only ten days. Maybe it's that it feels like he just got back... or that it seems like he is never home, even when he is physically here.

All i know is that i just want to hold him and tell him to never go.

I feel a little like Oakley, pouty and fussy and no one knows why.

things i assumed

Ok, there are a few things i assumed while making this:

• You have some experience sewing.
• You have felted the sweater prior to starting
• You have read patterns before and know that they are MUCH more complicated than it really is to make...

I made two pairs of these pants in less than an hour. The pair in the picture took me about 30 mins... only because i tried to draw out the pattern and took pictures while sewing.... and almost electrocute myself.

Wooly bum cover

Ok... please bear with me while i do this. But here are the instructions and poor pictures to show what i mean. (My machine is still broken, but these are my second attempt, and i love them!)

First thing i did was find a pair of pants and guesstimate how to cut the sleeves on the sweater so that they are the same shape as the pants. If they look like the are going to be too tight, they are perfect!!!



The proportions are this: Waist divided by three (say for ease, 18 inches total, so 6 inches,) then you half that again (3 inches), because the sweater is folded in half, so, two sleeves, two-thirds of the waist.

The final third is the back panel. That needs to be the length of the opening that you created by cutting the sleeves, plus about an inchish... curving slightly all the way around.

You will have to stretch the leg part to make it fit seam to seam, but this adds such a sweet little curve in the bottom. After you have sewn the back panel to the legs, cut a slant down the front so that it lowers about 1/2 inch. Sew the front together.

So the total of the waist now is 15.5 inches because i use 1/4 inch seam allowance. I now measure a two inch (or what every size you want) high rectangle thats 16 inches long, sew it together at the short end and sew it onto the waist to create a waist band. And at this point you can make them as long or as short as you want.

And voila!

so stinking cute!!!

At church we always have 'needs and news' time every sunday. Anyone can share whatever they feel comfortable sharing. Jul went up, whispered in Al's (our pastor) ear and Al handed Jul the microphone. Jul proceeded to pray for Thomas. It was so sweet. I was so proud.

30

This weekend was my 30th birthday. And today i was thinking about how different my life is that i expected 5, 10 and 15 years ago.

15 years ago i was half the age i am now. 15 was not a good year for me. Although from it i learned so much, i would not want to relive it... and if i had the opportunity to do it over knowing what i know now, i would do so much differently. Starting with the best part of my year, meeting Thomas.

10 years ago i was newly married and so eager and full of energy. And within a year we were living with house mates that almost ruined our friendship as 'man and wife'. But we grew up together.

5 years ago i had one child. And Thomas joined the army. He left on Jul's second birthday. I cried as i dropped him off outside Montreal at a huge building called the Mega. I sobbed in the car, and as i calmed enough to drive home, on the radio i heard 'The Scientist' for the first time. I did not marry Thomas in the hopes of being an army wife... in fact i opposed it vehemently!!! I did NOT want to be an army wife.

And now, i am a proud wife to my officer husband, learning and educating mother to 3 beautiful children. My sister and mother both entered 30 with denial. I dont mind being 30. It's a number that only tells how long i have been alive, but not what i have lived.

scary

Ok... so, on Sunday night at Livingroom i was telling how i have been making wool soaker pants and i was asked to post how i make them. Well, as i am sewing and cutting and so on, the kids are playing and talking... and well... i thought the cord was UNDER the cutting mat...

And so what we have learned today:

Be aware!

Be careful!

Sparks are scary!

And finally, cutting a cord is very smelly!!!

So.... pictures and guide for the pants will be coming soon!!! As soon as i can get a new power cord for the machine.

the calm

First, sorry Al. Jul was just too enthusiastic to contain!

Today has been much improved from the previous week of turmoil! Jul's attitude has been up and down, but mainly up. And today, after doing our 'school' work and while finishing lunch Jul wrote a song... i wrote down the lyrics as he sang, and he wants to sing it this sunday....
Here it is!!!

Listen to your Heart

by Jul Peters

Listen to your heart

because your heart beats

if you dont listen

you dont know when God speaks.

Praise the Lord

Praise the Lord

If you look into outer space

you can see G0d's eye

and he looks into your heart

If you dont listen to Him

you will go to the desert

If you listen to him

He will let you live with your family

And when you die

you will be with Him and play with Him

because He is building a house for you

Praise the Lord!

Despite everything i do wrong with my kids, God fills in the gaps and repairs the damage.

A wise woman once told me that having kids will mean that my heart will forever be beating on the outside of my body. And i'm glad that God is in my heart, where ever my heart is.

anger

Twice this week Jul has broken his glasses. And not by accident. But violently and purposely. After the first time, he learned not to break them, he had Clover jump on them. That way *he* didnt break them, he just told Clover to break them. So, in my distress, i removed ALL of their toys. ALL! Thomas and i are going to go through them all and sort through and get rid of most of them. The rest are going to be earned back. (until tuesday, when they can have them all back.)

I am very grateful for my church. I was able to talk to another mom who works with troubled kids.... and it was so useful to be reminded of things that i seem to forget during the moment. Such as, when kids are angry they want to show how angry they are. And although i knew this, i couldnt see it. She also gave me some useful skills in dealing with Jul.

I think i can!

I feel so much better about teaching my children myself now that i have had Jul in school. before i felt like i was constantly failing because other kids were doing things that Jul wasnt. I couldnt always see the things that Jul was doing that they werent. Mainly because one only talks about what a child is doing, as opposed to what they arent doing. So having Jul in school reminded me that all children develop differently, and that each childs interests help with that development.

So....

Today started out rough. Jul was in a bad mood and it took a long time to work him back to himself. And by around 11 i was feeling a little disappointed that it seemed like another "school day" wasted.

BIG MISTAKE!!!

We read about Egypt and mummies. Did a huge amount of math problems. And at 3 (when i told Jul "school" is over) i asked if he wanted to watch some tv.

"No thank you, mommy, i'm reading to Clover."

And he was. I love the computer. He was reading stories from Starfall to her. The place is relatively tidy, i have done 2 loads of laundry.... today is a success.

this isnt really a post...

only, i just pulled one of my hairs out of Oakley's nose... Gross.

Joy is back

Last week Jul went away to camp. All week. He had a fabulous time!!! I was concerned that he wouldnt be able to sleep away the whole week. But he did. And everyone i talked to at the camp apparently really enjoyed Jul. They went bowling, made sleds out of cardboard, skated, made an igloo and had a talent show. ( Jul brake danced and sang Old MacDonald's Farm.) Having him home has been wonderful. I missed him.

This past weekend the stress in the house came to blows. Thomas and i had it out. And after, we went out for supper. (thanks to my mom who watched the kids.)

And thank you, everyone who has listened to me last week... This week is already looking so much better than last week... despite the broken window in the front door.

Enough

I am weary. I am tired of people telling me if i need to chat to call and them not listening. Instead they excuse behaviour. I am tired of lectures that i already have notes for. I am sick of the false sympathy and patronizing encouragement. I am exhausted of hearing "I am doing what I need to in order to (fill in the blank here)". It hurts that i am not included. I detest when people say its not about me, when really, it is. I hate that i am not enough. That i have never been enough. That other peoples love has greater value than a child's. I wish perception had nothing to do with it. That everyone could see it.

"Then they sat with him on the ground. Seven days and nights they sat there without saying a word. They could see how rotten he felt, how deeply he was suffering."

Right now i want this. I dont want to feel better. I just want people to agree that it sucks. I want people to listen and to not discount my pain.

In context

So, Here is that verse in context:

Nehemiah 8:9-11

9 Then Nehemiah the governor, Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who were instructing the people said to them all, "This day is sacred to the LORD your God. Do not mourn or weep." For all the people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law.
10 Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."
11 The Levites calmed all the people, saying, "Be still, for this is a sacred day. Do not grieve."

I have really been pondering "the joy of the Lord is my strength" lately. It doesnt make any sense to me. Is it; when he is happy when i am strong? Or, he finds joy when i am strong? But then, if my strength all comes from God, wouldnt he always be happy? And if God feels/understands my pain then when he feels my sorrow, would my strength then dissipate? I'm sure the when i rely on him, he finds joy and i am strengthened... i think thats what it means but i dont know. any thoughts?

I can get through this. I dont feel strong. But as long as i keep moving i dont have to think about what i am doing. Focus on the practical, and be willing to accept displaced aggression.

"Elopement Risk"

I visited the psychiatric ward tonight. It's the first time i have been to the 'over 18' floor before. The room is bare and lifeless. A bed some sheets and a camera in a ball watching you. The room is at least bigger than a prison cell. (not speaking from personal experience, just observation.) You have to sign a confidentiality agreement and it is seriously locked down. 72 hours. I sat on the bed talking with this person and was (sadly enough) not surprised by what i heard. Just more of the same stressers. Just this time it broke the camel's back.

I know what it feels like to want to die. and not the "i-wish-i-was-dead-so-that-people-can-remind-me-what-is-worth-living-for", but to truly think that there is nothing left worth living for. I hated people talking to me as if they knew what i felt and that they could change my feelings. I have tried hard to never do that to anyone i have visited or supported through this. This time it is different.

I forgot my jacket. I'm not exactly thinking clearly. As i walked from the car to the hospital i really regretted not grabbing my mitts at least. And as i sat talking about what needs to be picked up and brought in, the gift to buy for a baby on their behalf, the book to be grabbed, where things are, i reminded the person that i was glad that i was getting these instruction from them and not having to figure out this stuff on my own. I dont feel sad or angry or even hurt.

When i left the hospital while waiting for the light to change i stared up at the snow falling gently through the soft glow and felt comforted and gratitude. What a beautiful night.

Beginnings

Poor Oakley has been so sick!!! Running a high fever and just sad. He is such a good sick baby. All he does is rest his head on my shoulder. On top of all this, we lost his beloved elephant. The one he sleeps with. He is tolerating this very well, but it is still sad for me. I bought a replacement, and he seemed happy with it until bed time. Then he was angry with it. He is feeling a bit better today... I tried to nurse him before his nap this morning (as i usually do) and Oakley just wanted to sleep.

Thomas started his course on Wednesday. HOORAY! He is stressed out, not because it is over difficult, but because army course=stress.

I am trying to tidy... but procrastinating. I want to clean... but i dont know where to start... and my knitting is calling me.

Les ananas ne parlent pas

oh man...

radio

This past month ran away from me. Too much going on. But what i have established is that school is not for us. But we are going to persevere and make it through this year and go back to home schooling next year.

It is very important to me that he isnt offended or ashamed by everyday things... such as having lice. I think i am doing well with that. And he is enjoying being at home with us... mainly because we have watched two hours of tv this morning as i get everything ready to go to do more laundry... He is very aware of what people say to and about him and worries what people think.

So, in knowing that Jul is a very sensitive little boy, who really enjoys looking at beautiful things, but... is he going to grow up to be a pervert?!?! We were watching the Skate/gymnastics (while switching between hockey day in canada) and Jul pipes up and says: " i wish they were doing [gymnastics] naked." when asked why he said: "So that we can see their breasts."

What do i say to that?!?!!? ...the only thing that we could come up with is that breasts are very beautiful... and that breasts are for babies to nurse.

selfish

I pray and wait... then pray again and wait longer. And it seems to be a vicious cycle. Yet, when a prayer is answered, i seem to forget the most important part. The prayer is answered and i dont praise God for the response. Instead, i complain that it isnt answered the way i wanted, or worse, i dont acknowledge it at all and move on to the next request.

Right now i want to stop and count my blessings:

• my husband
• my mom
• Jul
• Clover
• Clover staying with us
• Oakley
• my sister
• my father
• my dear friends
• my children's friends
• my home
• my church
• my community

For about a year now i have been annoyed with God that someone special to me was in a bad relationship. I prayed and was so desperately annoyed with this person that they couldnt see how bad it was. Then i found out that it was worse and that my friend hadnt been telling me the whole truth about it. My friend left the relationship and i told this to another friend and he said, "so that is how God is answering your prayer". I didnt give credit where it was due. Instead i moved on to the next part. I said that now we need to pray that everything gets worked out.

Last night we got together with an old friend of Thomas's and his wife. i love this guy! He is wonderful and since we last saw him he found a lovely lady, became christian and married her!!! (insert praise here!) As we talked about our family, we said about our adoption... and our third miracle baby. Thomas's friend asked if we already had a miracle baby, doesnt that mean that the following baby isnt a miracle? For the record: all children are miracles!!! And i dont forget that about my own!!! Having more than one 'miracle baby' doesnt take away from it being a miracle! The opposite is true: they are even more miraculous! That God would bless me indeed!! That God would honour my prayers with more children is so humbling... especially since i dont always give him the recognition that He deserves.

Today i am going to stop and just thank God that he loves me and that He does answer prayer. I am not going to move on to the next request or the next part of the prayer. I am going to remember that he does answer prayers.

Thank you, LORD, even when i havent noticed, You have been there. And i greatly praise You!!!

Ending

Thomas goes back to work on Monday. I cant believe that eight and a half months have gone by already. We have had so much fun together! I love spending time with Thomas and hate to see him return to work.

I'm curious how smooth his return will be... how destroyed the house will be while he is gone. And we hope that Thomas will be on course this feb., which means he needs to use the rest of his leave before it starts.

I cherish this time we had together. I'm sure that it will be a time that i look back on with much fondness as i get on in years. This time will always bring me joy.

EDITED ON JAN 21: Today Thomas got his posting message; he is loaded on the course starting Feb. 20th!!!!

Before Christmas, my mom took the kids and i to see 'The Best Christmas Pageant Ever'. I have always wanted to see it. It was wonderful. I cried in the beginning in anticipation! At the end, however, there was a few people sitting beside us and they stood waiting for us to move for them to walk down the aisle, despite the fact that they could use the other side (they sat in the centre, so either way would have worked for them). I was so frustrated!!! I was trying to dress three children into their winter gear and they just stood there, impatiently waiting. So, i was going to make them wait. I figured that if they cant walk around i wasnt going to make my life more difficult. Then my mom pipes up; "oh, sorry", and starts moving! Once they left i said that i wasnt going to move for them. She smiled and said that she knew i wasnt.

Hmmp...not very gracious of me. this is where i am going to focus on now. With much help from God.