i should have taken a picture

This evening was lovely! I think the nicest i have had since moving to OS.

Thank you ladies for coming to my home, not eating nearly enough and driving the distance. It was a blast. We really should do this every month or so!!! Maybe next time i wont bake quite so much.

i dreamed last night that when i put my hand on my stomach i could feel a baby move... and i could feel the baby's back. I was so excited, so i took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I was frustrated and crushed.

oh yummy!!!

Metro had chickens on sale. I wasnt sure what to do with it. so i did this. I put rosemary under the skin, wrapped it with more rosemary and lemongrass. I also zested a Clementine putting it everywhere. I also put a Clementine inside the chicken with the spices.

It was so stinking good. And the soup the next day was even better!!!

1+1=2

"Math has proven the existence of God, because it is absolute and without contradiction; the devil must exist as well, because we cannot
prove
it."

I believe in God. Not just any God. But the One True God. I see His hand in everything and everywhere. For me believing is as simple as primary school mathematics. Truly. As knowledge grows from first experiences, so does our skills. No longer are questions simplistic, as they blossom into mind blowing, earth shattering difficult equations that cause us to question if we really can solve the problems given to us.

Whole numbers are beautiful to me. I loved math while in school. Calculus, trigonometry, you name it and i loved it! It made sense to me. In the early grades math tests were fun. The answers were always in front of me. Whole math is simple. 1+1=2. The numbers are the same on both sides of the equal sign. 5+5=10 or 3+2+5, Pythagorean Theorem is the same thing, only you substitute numbers for 'unknowns' and, thus, it all equals out again. It beautiful and perfect.

Math is simple. If I have one cookie and then I am given another, i now have 2 cookies. It is constant, and beyond language barriers. One doesnt need to know how to read or write, but all know that 1+1=2. Maybe they cant write it out, but it is common knowledge. As simple as this is, it can, and does, get substantially more complicated. God is in the simple too. I can find Him in a painting and and in the beauty of a math problem. I cant paint, nor can i do Fournier math problem. But He is still in both these beautiful things. Just like a tree is simple, until you go deeper in how it works.

Thomas once told me about how in one of his math classes they had to prove some formula, only to find out that it was already proven. It was super hard with a calculator and florescent lighting, and it was proven in the 1700's, by some guy at a desk with an oil lamp. God does exist. I remember a time in my life where i needed to prove EVERYTHING. I needed to convince everyone that 1+1=2. It was the coolest thing ever. Tests were everywhere. I dont feel the same anymore. The concept of infinity is interesting... does it exist? What about zero? The ancient Greeks didnt believe in zero. I dont feel the need to prove it, I just accept the crazy formula.

one hand old

<=from this to

this => Birthday girl!

Five years ago i didnt even know her yet. But i knew she was coming. ok, i didnt even know if 'it' was a she! But the anticipation was too much.

2 years old

I didnt know what it would be like to have 2. I didnt know that my heart would grow to love so many more people than just her.

2 years old

3 years old

We never had a dedication service for her, everyone was already dedicated to her. Devoted to her, endlessly and hopelessly. Prayers of protections surrounded her from day one.

3 years old

How much she has grown! She knows more flowers than i do. Hates injustice, loves pink. Very sure of what she wants to do and what she does not want to do. She wants everything to be beautiful. And she makes it that way. Everything she touches.

(pictures she drew on the cottage walls and the shoes she decorated to be 'prettier')

4 years old

Today she is one whole hand old. She has blessed me in so many ways.

birthday party

simply gorgeous.

Happy Birthday!!

Dear Aphra

I am blessed to know you. You are a kind, wise and dear person. Thank you for caring about me. I hope today is wonderful! I am sorry that i cant be there to wish you a Happy Birthday in person, I would have baked you a cake, or at least brought you a cupcake.

Happy Birthday! May this year bring you a renewed and rested heart. May your nights be still and quiet and your days peaceful.

Love me.

Thankful

Things havent been better in quite awhile here! School is going well. The house is... well, it will be tidy before 4 tonight. And to night the kids go to AWANA. All my objections to this program aside, i get a date night with my husband because of it.

Thank you Rachel! Without your help, i wouldnt be here.

Can you believe i dont have a straight on picture of Rachel?!

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I do believe that my next week of meals are going to come from HERE!

I'll let you all know what i made next week.

Nice

I love a clean, tidy house. It brings me joy and peace.

But my house is almost never tidy. It is usually very messy. I try very hard to keep it tidy, but i find it horribly overwhelming. Not because there is so much to keep tidy, but because i dont know where to begin. I have a clean house, just not a tidy one.

I decided to help myself i clean the kitchen right after supper. Without a tidy kitchen in the morning i am miserable and start the day stressed. I dont seem to know what to do with the clutter and mess. This wasnt a problem in Kingston when Rachel and i would get together! We took turns cleaning and tidying. I have done very well, i think. My house has been clean AND tidy for almost a month now!

Muirgen, i think you will be happy with coming over now.

I could eat a whole batch of brownies. But i dont think its a good idea. Nor will it change anything.

In, i think, April we were visited by the "Welcome Wagon" lady came with her package. It was nothing exciting, really. But in it there was this. It has been a wonderful way to discover the area. We have made several trips to get punches for the passport, and have had a blast doing so!

This weekend we decided to try to get the rest of the punches, having only 5 left. It was such a wonderful adventure!!! We found wonderful places and nice people. We stayed here on our very first camping trip. And on Sunday we had brunch here. We needed reservations for the brunch, which had live music!!! And it was AMAZING!!!!! There were all kinds of salads and fruit and quiche (which i dont eat, but i know people love it) and the very best hash browns i have ever had!!!

It was so wonderful all weekend that we almost stayed an extra night! But this morning at 7 am we were all alarmed by the HUGE thunder rumbling over us, and we were happy to be in our home!

Today Jul went to have his remaining pin removed. I didnt know how long we would be so i took my knitting with us. I also took a few skeins of wool to ball.

Jul did really well. We waited for hours. HOURS!!! Shortly after we arrived i started to wrap this lovely skein of hand painted wool Beautiful stuff. Then it all went bad. Really bad. I got a knot. It just... looked awful!!! Apparently everyone watched me the whole time. A few people pointed out that i had quite a mess going on. After five hours (really, we sat there for longer, but that's how long it took for the knot) i did it! I had it completely untangled. I sighed a satisfied sigh. The old man across from me noticed. He pointed out to everyone else that i had finished, and they applauded me.

What a funny thing to happen in the waiting room for day surgery.

My house looks like a hurricane went through. And in away it did. Summer was wrapped into about one week.

I canned by myself for the first time. I am terrified that i did it wrong. I still have to make some pickles, apple sauce and apple jelly. I wish terribly that i had a pressure cooker.

Is it chicken pox season yet? I need to find someone to infect my children.

today will be beautiful. bright. joyful. it will be full and serene. rediscovering lost things, arranging adored objects, removing the objects that will be adored by another. time together, working and sharing. exploring feelings, finding God in the mundane and in the beautiful.

this is my joy.

I am an arachnophobia. Terrified. I would convince kids at camp that the spiders up in the corners of their bunks were great because they would keep mosquitoes away, but secretly i couldnt help them. I watched a documentary about them, which made me less horrified. However, they still freak me out.

When i had children i didnt want to pass my fear onto them. So i can trap them and release them outside. I can even help my daughter find them for pets. But... when they are this big... well, thats just wrong!

I took these at our cottage. We had to pass these on a bush on our way to the water. You can get an idea how big they are because the leaves are pretty average... most know the size of a web and of spiderlings. And yes, there were two. TWO!!!!

In the front of our house is a retaining wall. It frames our house with hedges on top. I love how it looks! It gives the house a very hidden appearance. It feels so... not innercity.

But every so often, more often in the warmer weather, people place their litter on it. Pop cans, empty packaging, coffee cups. Anything they dont want to transport to an actual garbage either sits on the wall itself or under the hedge, slightly out of view.

Jul takes this as a personal insult. It infuriates him when he finds something on the wall or on our lawn. He doesnt understand why they use our yard.

The other day Jul screamed, beckoning me to him Broken bones still fresh in my mind I tear out to the front. Jul yells; 'They littered again!!!'

This is what i found.

This week i was able to go to the CNE. FOR FREE!!! The army offered free admission, and free transportation. I was incredibly apprehensive to go alone with the three kids, and since Thomas wasnt able to go i thought i would ask our babysitter to help out. This girl, this young woman is just amazing! She played with them, kept them close to her. My extra set of eyes who can be the coolest person to my kids. They love her, and it is obvious. Clover will give her hugs freely, which is remarkable!!! And how she interacts with my children!!! I do not pay her enough. And i said that, bragging to all the others there. It back-fired though, when another mother asked for her number to sit for her. But that is why i pay this girl $10 an hour. Even though she told me that she normally only charges $5. Five?! I'm sure that most people only pay that to their sitters, but I was getting paid that when i was 12. I told her that there has to be at least some inflation over the years.... and that getting paid that much (i hope) help pay for some extra loyalty.

I am hoping to employ her often.

DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE SQUIMISH.

Today, through a series of events that can only be God's hand directing them, Jul is now being seen by the surgeon that we wanted him to be seen by. Tonight, Thomas said he was so glad that now Jul is being taken care of by this new doctor and Jul shrugged and said:

"God was always taking care of me."

So true, my love, so true.

Oh, how i wish i could.

The other day Oakley comes to me and asks; 'Mommy can you hold me?'

I reach down and pick him up and say of course.... but his response, as he wraps his little arms around me, lays his head on my shoulder and with as much conviction as a 2 year old has:

'Mommy, can you hold me forever?'

Horrors!!!

Okay...

Most know already. But Jul broke his arm. I am traumatized still. But all is mending.

I have been sewing a fair bit. I have enjoyed the time creating.

These skirts are because my mom wanted some skirts for her granddaughters... i made two of the first one.

This was made from the left overs.And this is just cute.

I have chive seeds, does anyone want some?

I just spent the better part of 90 minutes reclaiming my garden from the weeds that grew up from within. All the weeds that werent being removed and all the grew to enormous heights! And the things i thought might be flowers and allowed them to continue to bloom only to find out that they were in fact weeds that were strangling my lovely flowers.

My life is like this too. I love the flowers. I love the blooms and i want them. just enjoy was has been growing i am over taken by what grew from within, under the lovely things. The weeds grow up and strangle out the parts that have been cultivated and valuable. I work hard at being all the things that are in Galatians:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I want to show love to everyone and i work hard at being patient. But when i think i have grown until i have reached the end state (the bloom and i can sit and enjoy the beauty, a weed comes up and starts to strangle out any joy i might have. It happens slowly. And i dont notice, because i am no longer 'tending' my garden. I forget to look under the leaves for the sprouts that are going to strangle out what the Spirit has worked so hard in cultivating.

It made me think about the parable of the seed:

Again Jesus began to teach by the lake. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake, while all the people were along the shore at the water's edge. He taught them many things by parables, and in his teaching said: "Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, multiplying thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times."

~Mark 4

Maybe this isnt just about spreading 'The Good News' seed. Maybe this is something within us too. We interact with people all the time. As we hope to plant little seeds within them, they also plant little seeds within us. Some are wonderful seeds that bare fruit, while others still are weeds. And even the most beautiful gardens can go wild.

I must be ever vigilant to keep these pressed on my heart. To remember that rest doesnt mean unaware. And i need to remember that the rest is to renew my heart to keep going strong.

Oh, we're all over that!

In order to keep some kind of record for school i have been sitting down once a week and writing down what we have done during the week. I was thinking that last week we didnt do all that much, until i started writing it all down.


I find it really reassuring that we do so much, even when i dont see it! We went to a very large market, they had EVERYTHING you could imagine!!! And we only did about a quarter of it! And the library to do research for essays (Jul is doing his on spiders, Clover on giraffes). We planned, advertised and organized a lemonade stand. Lots of baking and lemon squeezing. And so much more.

This morning, we did our school work at the beach. It has been great.

I will leave you with a new Julism: its a bright as a pocket full of monkeys!

I have tried for years to grow flowers at my old house. I tried so many different things, and the only plants that would grow were the ones that were there already. I bet that will be the case here too. But thankfully, the previous owners and i have the same taste in plants. The only thing that worried me, was the colour.

Since the ground started to thaw, and the enormous amount of snow melt, things have been popping up everywhere! Unsure what is weed or not as things progressed, i did very little. But now i have a pink rose bush, iris (my favourite) in two different purples, and poppies. I was very concerned about the colour of the poppies. I am not a fan of the orange ones. I was hoping for blue, but knowing that was unlikely, either red or pink.

Here's what i got!

From this picture, and as it was opening, it was still hard to tell if it was going to be orange or pink:

Then it was obviously a pinkie salmon colour:

As the petals finally fell away, i noticed this... strange colouring at the centre:Then this!!! How cool is this!? The circles in the centre were hard to pick up on the camera but they are purple!
On another note, these are what i made for my secret sisters' birthday on Friday.... i am very pleased with them and am making more handkerchiefs. (even the neighbour boy, who's eleven, wanted some!)

....i am still around. I have been blogging, just not posting.

But what is on my mind this morning, and has been for a little while, is the growing idea that people should have many many children at whatever the cost. It breaks my heart to hear people say these things. Not because i dont agree with them. I fully support relying on God for the size of my family. But what if God doesnt give you children the old fashioned way? What if adoption isnt an option for your family, and there many reasons for this besides the common financial reason. Or... i hate to say it, but what if someone just isnt a good parents and shouldnt have more?

People find that they ought to be responsible with their time and their money, and many kids are just irresponsible. They take up time and money and, dammit, i need me time. Well, even one child is inconvenient. That one child means that your life is no longer your own. But we as followers of God will have hopefully learned that before, seeing as we dedicated our lives to Him. Our lives were never ours to begin with.

It isnt about me anymore! Its not about me when it comes to the children, and its not about me when it comes to God. I wish i could have more, but that isnt under my control. Nor is it under my control if my child eats or sleeps. The only thing under my control is my attitude towards everything that God (and my children) throw my way. I can choose to be angry when my children break things, or freak out and embarrass me, or at God not giving me children. Or I can accept that things like this are beyond my control and and my response is all that matters. I want my heart to be joyful. I want my heart to be a grateful one. And i am working on both of those with God's help, not just from Him, but the gifts he has given me.

Then there are those who expand their families through adoption. This has become a difficult one. It is very, very expensive. Fostering is heartbreaking. Children are being born into families with adults who shouldnt be parents. These people are now being given the opportunity to value the gifts given to them by God, because of financial assistance. I am not saying that everyone getting financial assistance is a bad parent. There are many bad parents who many a lot of money... but that goes to another point that Children Services are failing our most precious treasures.

God doesnt always bless us the way we would like. Children dont always behave they way we would like. And we are children of God, we dont behave the way God would want.

...this is not a clear representation of what i think, just pieces of broken thoughts.

shame

i am shamed. I am discussed with myself. I try to justify it, but it still sits bad.

I have been shopping at WalMart. I am so limited... and i cant justify spending a tonne of money on clothing. And considering i cant shop second hand well here, and the stores they have are expensive.

.....But, i have shopped at the evil place.

sorry.

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart" ~ Psalm 37:4

This verse confuses and hurts me.

BEST MUFFINS EVER!!!

ok... i found this recipe.

Then i altered it. And it is the best ever!!!


Preheat oven to 375
1 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup oatmeal
3/4 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt

mix in medium bowl and set aside.

Cream together until fluffy:
1 cup unsalted butter
3/4 cup each brown and white sugar
1 tsp vanilla
add 3 eggs one at a time

alternately add 1/3 cup milk or cream and flour mixture to creamed sugars

fold in 1 cup milk chocolate chips. Scoop into muffin tins, then sprinkle with sugar crystals (chunks).

Bake for 30 mins. (makes 12 muffins)

so very yummy!!!!

Funniest thing that happened today...

wasnt by one of the kids. But instead was done by my husband who was trying to kill a mosquito inside the car by turning on the windshield wipers, on the outside.

I dunno... it really struck me funny.

wow... is he ever cute!!!

(the one with eyes)

I have started an experiment around here this week. It isnt anything exciting, or even necessary in many houses. But the tv plug has been removed and there is no media in this house for one week. This may be extended. I have enjoyed Jul coming out of his shell and the loss of his bad attitude. He was happy to stay home last night from Kung Fu... i think he was just happy to be with us.

I have been reading the book 'Have a New Kid by Friday'. I love some of the ideas, like: Saying something only once, and letting reality be the teacher. But there are things i really dont like... it feels like the relationship is conditional on the childs behaviour. I think i will take somethings from it, and leave others. I will definately take the mentality that if they cant do as i ask, i dont have to do as they ask. I think that is reasonable. If i ask for something to be done once, (saying it more than once implies that they are 'too stupid to understand the first time') we will call this 'A', and it isnt done, they dont get to do 'B'. But i do feel that this approach is lacking unconditional compassion. So i ordered 'Unconditional Parenting' to balance it.

Our garden is doing well... i will post pictures soon.

I sit and read peoples blogs and i'm afraid that life happens outside of Owen Sound. It is as if everyone in growing and moving. And i wish i were too. I wish the walls would fly far from here. I wish it were an easier world to navigate, to come and go between places easier. I wish everyone could see how funny my kids are... like when Oakley puts his ear to the bowl with pretzels saying there is noise coming from them. I wish my sunflower house would grow big and strong. And that my garden would flourish. I wish i could eat slower. I wish my chocolate creme brulee didnt have cayenne pepper in it last night. I wish my friday night get-togethers with my beloved friends could happen tonight!

Two years. How much will everything change? I can only imagine.

I can imagine my garden fragrant and bountiful. I can imagine my children playing and it bringing tears to my eyes because i am so filled with joy. Or times with friends that do the same, and laughing so hard all night that my stomach hurts the next day. I can imagine G*d blessing my family with more little feet running through my home. (I just cant imagine how He plans on doing it.) I can imagine my house being as beautiful everyday. (i think that will require a maid!!)

I love that my day has many hours in it still.

I want to do well

I try hard and think of many fun things for my beloved children to do... as far a schooling goes. Drawing, mathematics, science, english, music... all sorts of things. I become so excited about it. Only to find that my kids arent interested. Not when i try to show them something. I get discouraged by this because i find so many people who can help facilitate wonderful experiences for their children and their children embrace them. My kids dont care. They dont care how much effort or time or love i have put into something. If they arent interested there is no way to get them to focus. At least not on me when i am trying to teach them.


But i also try not to stress too much about this. Or about how i wish my kids would do 'x' or 'y'. I watch them seek these out on their own time. And that is why i do this. That is why my children fascinate me.


Some days are filled with what i feel are great learning experiences. Others i feel my day slipped by with nothing checked off but play. Although i know that play is important, i do still worry someday that my children arent at the right 'level of learning'. I do worry.

Then i watch them play. I watch Jul get a high school on "Brain Quest". And i read things like this. And i feel better.

I have, loosely, been re-potty training Oakley. Today we have had 3 or so accidents. But he did make it once. and to show me that he was, indeed, peeing on the potty, he pulled he pulled himself out while peeing, getting the pee all over the floor.

31

Kids are so great. At least mine are... ;)

I bought some flowers the other week to brighten the house and in the bouquet were some pussy willows. Sweet Clover shows Thomas the flowers and when she gets to the pussy willows she says: 'look daddy, wussy pillows!'

Jul has been wanting me to write out some stories for him to illustrate. I was trying to get him to write it out himself because his penmanship is horrible! I say to him that if he doesnt practice it wont ever get better. His response: 'I'm not kind of man!'

I have been having the kids memorize bible verses, it was the one thing i found most valuable from Awana... Last week the verse was Psalm 119:11 (I have hidden your word in my heart that i might not sin against you.) I dont expect much from Oakley, just that he repeat me. Today during a hike he was singing away about wanting G*d in his heart, 'hidden word in my heart'... 'unnineteen-eleven'.... 'i not sin against you'... It was so sweet!

It has been a good day.

be still my heart

I sent an email to Thomas saying that I love him.

I got this as a reply:

The closer I am to you, the happier I am.

*sigh*

why

Yesterday my family spent the day at a friends house. It was lovely! They live in the country and the kids were a mess! It was fun.

Somehow the topic moved to home educating. It was very good because I was able to remind myself why i do this. Why do i choose to allow my children to not follow the 'standard'? I was able to remind myself that i do this because I want my children to learn at their pace, their standard. I want them to desire to learn. And, yes, i struggle with this and with being concerned that my children aren't learning all they are 'supposed' to be learning. But again, I do this so that my children are cared for, not just looked after... (not saying that there aren't great teachers out there and that children who go to school aren't cared for.) I desire to be around my children, even when they are driving me insane! They can bring tears to my eyes because of who they are.

I home educate because i have the opportunity to. My husband and I have set everything up in such a way that we can have me be at home. I try to figure out what things to help my children learn, from computer programs to books and library visits... to whatever else I can get my hands on. And I am often shocked by how much they know that I never taught them, and didn't know they even knew! Such as, the other week we were out as a family and there was a 'Brain Quest' game that could be played. I had Jul do grade 2, because that is where his age puts him. He got a high score! How does that happen!? It amazes me. They learn AT THEIR PACE! Not some predetermined structured, standardized pace. But each individually! My youngest can count to 11, and we are often asked how old he is because of his incredible ability to articulate himself, at 2 years old.

I only wish that I was more disciplined at getting done the things I hope to... knitting and sewing... and house work.

Sweet Love

On Thursday Thomas and I spent the day without children. It was wonderful! To spend time with my wonderful husband, doing very little. Listening to him talk about whatever comes to his mind. While there was silence I thought to myself that he must think that I have become awful dull. I didnt have much to say.

We came home in time to rush back out to take Jul to Kung Fu. But as we approached the door, there was a note from FedEx saying that they missed us and that they would try to redeliver the next day, or if i signed, they would leave the package for me. Having ordered some plants from a nursery, i didnt want to have them left outside, nor did i want to miss them! So, i ran out and picked up the little package. I opened the order form... not quite what i thought. So i came home, with it unopened.

Thomas suggested that I open it, because the seeds came in the mail. I wondered out loud what it could be. Thomas smiled and said, probably your birthday gift.

Inside the card was this:

I do not sing for a bird or a flower,
Nor for any other pleasure
But for my lady for whom I long,
For she is the fairest in the world.

My wonderful husband had ordered me a (Red) Ipod. And on the back he had inscribed:

"If music be the food of love, play on"

My husband makes my heart flutter, and makes me fall deeper in love with him each moment.

Pati

In February the kids and i coloured pictures and posted the words that love is, from 1 Corinthians. I thought for Valentines day it would be nice if we could remember what love looks like. We talked a lot about Who love is, and about a month ago i posted about lent. Since then i haven't posted the regular things because i cant get out of my head what i am learning about patient and passion.


First, let me say that i do not know Latin. And what i have learned is from limited research. But what i did find was so fascinating that i haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I discovered that in Latin the word passion means suffering. The root word is 'pati'. I found this very interesting to think of 'Passion Sunday' or 'The Passion of the Christ'. And even in our own language I say how I am passionate about my children, my husband, my love for G*d... and knitting... and baking... and gardening... and so forth.


The word root 'pati' has grown into other words in English. Patience is one of them.



"Love is long suffering..." 1 Corinthians 13:4(NKJV)



I found this particularly remarkable because i had never heard that version before! I am use to NIV and Message, and even The Good News Bible, but they all have something closer to patient, instead of suffering.


I often pray for patience, but not for G*d to give me the opportunities, but that i would just grow patience. But like many things, you don't just gain, you grow. You learn. And learning can be hard. Watching Jul learn how to read was very much like that. He suffered and struggled and fought against it. But once he saw that he could do little words, the bigger words came after. He is, by no means, passionate about it. However, he does do it. And when he is patient and not flustered he does very well.


But does it mean to be passionate about something that i must always show patience? Well... I knit sweet things together, and that does take time. I wait for G*d's rustle in my heart. And try desperately to be patient with my deeply loved children. And growing patience is hard and something i think feels a lot like suffering. And it causes suffering in those around us when we don't possess it.


So... when i say that i am passion about something, please know that i have grown in that area. And with patience, please keep me in your prayers that i grow stronger in this area.

I ran out of march.

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust.

I find it very disappointing that most churches that i have attended dont really recognize Ash Wednesday. They will take part in Shrove Tuesday (Pancake tuesday) and with it start abstaining from something the next day. But never in the 'Ash' part of the wednesday.

There is something about sitting, reverently, contemplating our finite time here. Reminding ourselves that 'from ashes we come, and to ash we shall return'. I love the feeling of ash on my forehead, keeping a constant reminder that i am vulnerable. Vulnerable to agony, love, joy, and deep sorrowful pain. And that is what i often need reminding of: that Jesus, His royal self, became vulnerable... to everything, to colds, weather, hurts, love and ultimately His death.

Why do we start lent with shrove tuesday? I know how the tradition started, but i dont know how or why THAT became the beginning of lent. What if we stopped doing Advent sundays? What if instead we had a big meal, and left it at that. Forgetting the journey, forgetting the substance of what God did? He became human, made out of ASH.

Walking around with ash on ones forehead forces vulnerability. People look at you twice, sometimes wondering if they didnt see something right. Some people ask about it. And others still recognize it, but arent willing to allow themselves to join in. And then there are the ones who you see who also have the mark, and each other becomes softened to each other, because of they see the connection that binds, especially once our bodies return to ash and our souls move on in eternity.

It is very interesting that people when praying about Jesus dying for us, dont linger on that thought. He did, indeed die. Although i cannot completely comprehend his sacrifice, i do understand His love for us. I would quickly, and without hesitation, die for my children. But that isnt just what He did. He died for those of us who never met Him in person, who choose to believe. He died to rescue His chosen people. But He also died to glorify His Father. I dont know that i would be so quick to die to honour my parents. Jesus died to make the plan that his Father had in place come to fruition. Jesus' choice of being the sacrificial lamb so that all who ask may have eternal life, is a sacrifice that shakes me to my core. He chose to become one of us, to become vulnerable. We didnt, we are His Fathers creation, fashioned out of ash and molded by His hands. And through accepting the death of God's one and only son, we are adopted. We, created out of ash, dirt, are now His children.

Yesterday was the day that reminds me of all this, from ashes placed on my forehead. A great way to start off lent with the right frame of mind, not a belly full of pancakes.

Our bodies will return to ash one day. But as Jesus rose again, so shall we! Glory to God in the highest!!!

"Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord! Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!" (Luke 19:38)

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It's there

Ten years ago, this summer, Thomas and i left everything and moved to Vancouver to do a mission trip. While we were they gave us a book to read; "Dangerous Wonder". In the beginning the author talks about the most dangerous kinds of people: The Dream Killers. These people come in and tell us we can't follow our dreams, or tell us our dreams are impossible, or worse yet, that our dreams are wrong.

As a child one can imagine, with such detail and passion that it truly rivals reality. Unfortunately, as we get older (and more exposed to the 'real' world) somehow that stops. We encounter many people who tell us that our hopes and dreams are stupid or unrealistic and each of these 'truths' take away a little part of that imagination, that... desire to dream big.

My hope is that my kids will be less susceptible to these people, these Dream Killers. That they will be able to dismiss people who try to crush their dreams. I hope to raise children who will have strong convictions and will follow their dreams, where ever it takes them. I want them to be able to see things in a new light, in a way no one else does. I want them to love deeply, trust Christ fully, and not to be afraid to fall while trying to parachute off my couch with a pillowcase. I want them to not need the favor of people, but their hearts to strive towards pleasing God.

And most of all, i dont want to be their Dream Killer.

later

there are lots of things mulling over in my head... but for today, some humour. Or at least i found it funny.

Driving in the car yesterday Clover decides to play 'I Spy'.

Clover: I little spy... something that is yellow car!

Me: Ah, the yellow car?

Clover: Yeah! You win!!!
I spy little eye... something that is sign!

Me: Is it the sign?

Clover: You win again!!!

(my personal favourite:)

Clover: I little spy... something that is No Frills

(We look around, no grocery stores around...)

Me: Is it Tim Hortons?

Clover: Yes!

I love that this game is so gratifying!

Anatomy

The other week i was getting out of the bath and Oakley came in to the bathroom. He looked very confused...

Oakley: Mommy, where your penis go?!
Me: I dont have one, sweetie.
(i am getting a towel at this point)
Oakley: Oh, just bum.
(as he tries to lift the towel and rubs my bum)
Me: yes, something like that (swatting his hand away) go play.e

street kid

This morning Jul was angry at me and decided he was going to run away. Here is our conversation.

Me: What are you doing?
Jul: Packing. I'm leaving.
Me: Where are you going?
Jul: I'm going to live on the streets.
Me: Where are you going to sleep?
Jul: I will take some blankets.
Me: Where are you going to go to the bathroom?
Jul: I will go to a gas station.
Me: What will you do if you get cold?
Jul: I will take warm clothes.
Me: What if you get wet?
Jul: I will take a fan to dry me off.
Me: Where will you plug it in?
Jul: Not that kind of fan.
Me: What will you eat?
Jul: I'm going to take a record player and break dance for money.
Me: Where are you going to plug that in?
Jul: Fine, i wont take the record player. I will just break dance.
Me: What if no one pays you?
Jul: I will take my [wooden] sword and shield and make them give me money.
Me: What will you do when you go to jail for assault?
Jul: I will just show them the sword. [instead]
Me: What will you do when you go to jail for threatening?
Jul: Fine, i will tell them if they dont want to give me money, they dont have to.

Jul then changed his mind and decided that he was just going to the corner and would be back every night to sleep and eat.

Then we had to duel to see if he stayed. I had to get past his shield 3 times with my sword to make him stay. Then one hundred times. I won convincingly.

First month in new home

I'm sorry, dear friends, that i have been so absent. There are so many things i have wanted to write about, but no time!!! I have been very busy baking, getting together with friends, sewing, and helping birth babies.

Oh, and getting stuck in snow banks after driving home after said baby was born. It was a wild ride! The birth was hard and difficult. But beautiful. The mother was amazingly strong and she was radiant!!! But this isnt my story to tell.

The ride home, during a winter snowstorm, was fine. Until i was 10 kms from Owen Sound. My car (a rental) caught a rut and starting to slide a bit into the other lane, where a school bus was driving in the other direction. So, when it became obvious to me that i was going to lose complete control, i choose to end in the snow, and not the bus. And at the risk of sounding morbid, it was kinda fun. I had been resting my knee against the door, so when i started off the road, i moved my knee, relaxed my shoulders and just went with it. The snow out the window made this amazing wave out driver-side window and i wondered if i was going to roll. I wasnt worried, just curious and a little excited. When i stopped, all i could think about is whether the car was damaged... cause i didnt want to pay it out of my insurance. Then i look out the otherside and i was so upset because the pie i bought flipped over... then i couldnt find the cell phone a friend had lent me.

But it was all good. The car is fine, alignment and all... And so was the pie. :)

Anyways... i think i will end this post with some pictures of the things we have been doing:

This is the cake Jul wanted for his birthday:

It was as yummy as it looks!!!

This game was given to Jul for his birthday from some new friends... it's a lot of fun!!

This is Blood Orange Marmalade (it is really easy!!!)

It, too, is as yummy as it looks!!!

These reddish mittens are made out of merino wool that i ordered and made, copying the brown mittens which i already have.

Nice, arent they!?!

And a picture of sweet Clover, just because she wasnt in any of the other pictures... and well

because she is so stinking sweet!! Just look at her: So cute!!!