....i am still around. I have been blogging, just not posting.

But what is on my mind this morning, and has been for a little while, is the growing idea that people should have many many children at whatever the cost. It breaks my heart to hear people say these things. Not because i dont agree with them. I fully support relying on God for the size of my family. But what if God doesnt give you children the old fashioned way? What if adoption isnt an option for your family, and there many reasons for this besides the common financial reason. Or... i hate to say it, but what if someone just isnt a good parents and shouldnt have more?

People find that they ought to be responsible with their time and their money, and many kids are just irresponsible. They take up time and money and, dammit, i need me time. Well, even one child is inconvenient. That one child means that your life is no longer your own. But we as followers of God will have hopefully learned that before, seeing as we dedicated our lives to Him. Our lives were never ours to begin with.

It isnt about me anymore! Its not about me when it comes to the children, and its not about me when it comes to God. I wish i could have more, but that isnt under my control. Nor is it under my control if my child eats or sleeps. The only thing under my control is my attitude towards everything that God (and my children) throw my way. I can choose to be angry when my children break things, or freak out and embarrass me, or at God not giving me children. Or I can accept that things like this are beyond my control and and my response is all that matters. I want my heart to be joyful. I want my heart to be a grateful one. And i am working on both of those with God's help, not just from Him, but the gifts he has given me.

Then there are those who expand their families through adoption. This has become a difficult one. It is very, very expensive. Fostering is heartbreaking. Children are being born into families with adults who shouldnt be parents. These people are now being given the opportunity to value the gifts given to them by God, because of financial assistance. I am not saying that everyone getting financial assistance is a bad parent. There are many bad parents who many a lot of money... but that goes to another point that Children Services are failing our most precious treasures.

God doesnt always bless us the way we would like. Children dont always behave they way we would like. And we are children of God, we dont behave the way God would want.

...this is not a clear representation of what i think, just pieces of broken thoughts.