Wednesday, March 8, 2006

The fun has yet to begin!

I have become a master at hiding. There are deep, dark places in my soul that only God knows about. He and i battle for these areas. I don’t mean to fight him, but sometimes i can’t let them go. They are all that i understand. If i don’t have control of them, then i don’t know where to turn when i am stressed. Years ago these areas helped me survive, putting a mask on to show that everything was ok. Not so long ago this dark spot in my soul crept out and left wounds on my body. I can no longer hide my body. Therefore, i can no longer use that part of my soul. But i still damage myself when i am stressed. I can hide the darkness from everyone but Him. And he is the only one that i want to give it to, and the only one i am not willing to hand over control to. I don’t want to let go of control of this area yet. I feel more pain coming in my life and i don’t know how else to release stress. Sometimes i think i have handed everything over, only to discover that i am still holding on. Sometimes i just need the pain. I like prayer. It’s nice to feel like someone isn’t judging me on my thoughts or feelings. He isn’t concerned when i share these dark thoughts. He knows i am ok and i know that He doesn’t love me any less. I know i have many friends who don’t judge me, and would listen to me, but they all have ideas on how things should be. How should things be? I miss being listened to. By God, that is. I am stressed. And i don’t know how to ask for help with this area of my soul. I long to feel at peace with my decisions. And at time i do. Sometimes i feel excited about the prospect of this treatment working. At the same time i don’t want to hope any more. I want something tangible. Not percentages of a change. I want a guarantee. These are areas that will show how shallow i truly am. How even with people i trust, i don’t let them get too deep. I don’t want to scare them. I'm sure many of the people i know feel the same way about themselves. They don’t feel like they can be "real". How sick i use to be of hearing that! "You are so real!!" And all i could think is "that’s because you don’t see any deeper." I let you see what i feel safe showing. What i know you can handle seeing. Is there more out there? Are there more people like me feeling like the darkest parts of their souls can’t be exposed? I'm sure there are. But this isn’t about them. This is about me. I am anxious about tomorrow. But i will suppress it until i can hold it back no more. Then i will let the darkness see light. And then i will keep on going. This sounds creepy, even as i reread it... but these are just the deeper parts boiling over... don’t be scared, i'm still sweet me!

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