Saturday, March 25, 2006

I love friends. I love how they care about each other. I love that they let me love them... and that they love me in return. I love how 'family' can be created with friends. I love how community is created through friends. And i love how my children are getting to grow up in such a friend-rich, loving community. And that we can be safe in what we feel and share with each other. I love that people can call us up and say "i need help", and that we can do the same. I love that Next is growing... and its all because of Gods love. Everything is. Everything grows from God... no life exists without him... And God gives us friends...

Thomas and my opinions for the treatments have swapped. He thinks that one month is enough... and i feel that if it didnt work this time that i would like to do one more month. I wonder how much of his opinion is from me complaining and how much of it is from the reactions i have to the medication. And in so many ways i wish i could will myself into pregnancy. Does God look at effort...i mean... does he see if someone is trying? Does it make a difference?

"does the hope out weight the disappointment?"

Good question. I dont know... The confidence that Thomas has that i will get pregnant again means that there is hope. I dont feel the same at all. But i wonder if the difference is that i am afraid to hope... because i might be disappointed when it doesnt happen. I guess i feel that if i dont hope, then i cant be disappointed, because it will never happen anyways.

I am afraid though. I dont know how to hope for something that i dont expect to happen. And i dont expect the treatment to work. So, why bother doing it? I guess that goes back to whether or not God expects us to put any effort forth. There is no life without God... so, i could do nothing and i might get pregnant.

It is just so confusing. But at least i have Thomas and friends to talk to about it.

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