Tuesday, March 7, 2006

Day 5

When having children naturally stops and one starts to search other avenues of options, they become increasingly lonely and expensive. I knew very early that i would have difficulties getting pregnant. And when Thomas and i started actively pursuing the possiblity of intervention it came quickly and easily. Unlike most others experiences. But we were young and had time on our side. We got pregnant relatively quickly. And we were both passionately involved. Our options have decreased. I am no longer responding to the medication. So the next step removes any familiarity. I have a new doctor, that i dont see. A new nurse, that didnt invite Thomas into the room to join the conversation. And a lot of poking and proding commences on Thursday. And i become very alone in this process. I dont like how Thomas isnt even asked to join me in anything. Its clinical and sterile. Is this truly going to be honored by God? Something that removes his plan for procreation? Then i start wondering how much more i can expect from God. I have one natural child, and God gave me an adopted child. Each of the childrens presence in our lives is a miracle. Almost no one gets pregnant the first time on medication... and people wait years for an infant to be placed in their homes for adoption. How can i ask God for any more? But i do. I dont think i am the one who put the desire to have children into my heart. But why give the desire, but not the ability? What am i missing? Very soon i will be missing my husband on the pursuit of this dream-chasing. I feel very lost in all of this.

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