Complete again

It has been so wonderful having Thomas home!!! The feeling of peace and calm and comfort. It is such a blessing to have him have time off too! The kids are loving having him back. Clover cant get enough of him.... she doesn't want me, only Daddy! I love seeing the incredibly strong bond the kids have with him.

I learned an amazing amount of stuff about me and who i am while Thomas was gone. I haven't shared much of that with anyone yet. I have been working on a post (more for Thomas than anyone else), but it seems to be taking a long time to get out what i want to say.

I think all those around me feel the peace i have again now that Thomas is home... they all ask how he is and if it's nice having him back.... like it wouldn't be!!! A part of my soul was missing for 3 months... and now it is complete again. I am complete again.

They make me laugh!

Jul: "Mommy, why was Jesus made out of bread?"

~

Clover: Knock knock

Anyone: who's there?

Clover: Apple (or fish, or cow, or whatever)

Anyone: Apple who?

long pause

Clover: MOO!!!

~

Jul: "Mommy, Astrid and i are playing 'Pirates of the Cariboo'!!!"

~

I dont know where they come up with these things... but i love each and every one of them!!!

Yesterday, or something that seems like it

Yesterday i lamented about what i was missing that God was trying to teach me with all this insanity with sicknesses happening in our family. But today i feel very different about it. Today i am allowing myself to see that it really IS a lot! Especially to deal with all in 2 weeks. I kept thinking that i was letting everyone down around me... all the loving people who have helped me. But really, i would be very understanding and more than willing to pitch in if the roles were reversed with any number of friends.

On another note, this is our last week without Thomas! I cant believe it is almost over. It feels (looking back on it) that it was just yesterday that he left... but really it's been almost 11 weeks. 11 weeks!!! That's a whole trimester.... 3 months basically. And we did it! I am pretty surprised that i did it. I wasn't sure that i would be able to do it... that i wouldn't make it. And really, i almost didn't. But i love that i have my sanity intact and friends who are family.

Dreams

Last week at PEG, we talked about dreams... and it has taken me this long to write out a response to the topic (which i loved)... and here is what i wrote:

Thomas and I have been married for coming on 9 years. And in this time we have done much work and “studies” in community. For years in Christian circles this has been a catch-phrase: building community, having a “safe” community, being a part of community and so forth. I have said it before to many, many people; I am so SICK of talking about community.

My dream has always been to be a part of community. Meaning, we truly know each other. That we are honest and supportive of each other, no matter what. That we can always call on one another, good or bad. That we share possessions and love and our homes with each other. In my dream “community” each of us could show up unannounced and be welcomed into each others homes. That we accept whatever state that house is in and enjoy each other. That if we see a need, we don’t talk about what we can do to fill it, we just fill it. I know it is very radical thinking in many churches, where they like the safety of organized get-togethers and assistance, but I do truly believe that is what Jesus meant by love each other…
"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'…”
Matt 25:31-40
For me, when we moved back to Kingston, I was hoping that I would be done talking about it and live it. We got off to a difficult start. Not feeling like our “home church” was where God wanted us to be, we migrated to Next and had some difficulties fitting in, in the beginning. I have a wonderful understanding of what “community” should and could be, and have wanted to live it out, and have TRIED to live it out. But I never dreamed I would be the object of such immense community. I have found deeper friendships, more meaningful “sermons” than I imagined. I have prayed that my children would live not only in what a community should be, but it would become their family as well.

Peggers, Nexters and Rustlers are my extended family. You have all come into my life and have fed us on many levels, given me (us) a drink for a parched soul, you invited me in, and have clothed me (not only in my clothing, but blanketed me with love). On top of all that, you have accepted wherever I have been in my life, including the chaos, and have helped tamed it. And you have been there to celebrate all of our joys too! And I want to do the same for all of you, and I hope I have done the same for all of you!

I dreamed of and prayed for community. True to Jesus’ love and the “first church”… and God has answered my prayers with you! With all of us uniting to do what He has called us to… and I am so grateful that I am apart of it. Even when it is hard to be humble and accept people doing my laundry, or bringing me food, or helping me clean…I do love that I have a dream come true. And that prayer has been answered!

Norah Jones

Today at the midwives, they had Norah Jones playing. Not unusual. However, Jul noticed it for the first time and right away recognized her voice. A few weeks ago, we were at a car dealership looking at vehicles because we were afraid that a third seat may not fit in safely. While there Jul watched a Sesame street video about letter and Norah Jones was one of the contributers. Jul piped up at the clinic today and said "this is the girl who did the letter 'I' on the video".

WOW. I am so impressed that he recognized it...

He amazes me daily.

Different Perspectives

Yesterday I went to my father’s cottage and the kids went swimming. Jul just for a minute, but Clover is such a water baby, that she stayed in for almost 20 minutes. I can’t get over how much she is like me! It was really nice to hang out with just my dad for 3 hours. It showed me why my mom, at one time, fell in love with him. It’s nice to see that. For so many years I never understood how or why they would have been together. But my mother is a kind, sweet person, who I suspect at the time, was very needy. And I can see my father being very devoted and attentive, especially to her young daughter. However, for so many years I have only seen their negatives, and could never picture them together. I don’t wish that God came into their lives then…I don’t think I could truly explain why. But I am glad that God did. And although my life wasn’t easy, and their faults were very difficult on me, I know that they love me very much. Even if they don’t even like each other. And I am grateful for God changing my life.

"The Body of Christ"

This past week at church the body was the metaphor for what the Church is. What does that mean? Well… that’s a great question. What does it mean? Does it mean that we can’t survive without each part? I don’t know, ask any amputee. They do seem to survive, even if they require a prosthetic. Does it mean we all share in a part of something bigger? And if that is the case, how do we all work together? Or is it just something that we can all relate to as we all have bodies? It’s a pretty tangible explanation. (No pun intended.) If it is that we all have a part in the church, how do we coordinate with each other? And to whom do we go for assistance when parts aren’t working the way you would expect them?

So many people since Thomas left (and before he left) said to me that if I need help or anything at all to call them, and they will be there for me. I truly appreciate this from all who offer. I do need help. But I don’t know how anyone can help us or our situation. And I am not even sure what I need help with. I’m exhausted. Does that mean I need to sleep more? No, it means I am almost 8 months pregnant. Jul is having difficulties going to bed at night. How can anyone help me with that? I don’t know how to help him myself. I know he misses Daddy, but I can’t bring him home.

I keep wondering; if I had this or that would I feel overwhelmed with chores? Probably, no “appliance” or assistant is going to help the fact that I am tired and my kids won’t go to bed until I am almost ready to sleep myself. Everyone wants to help out… be the body of Christ for me. And I love them all for it. But I don’t know where to start. I find it easy to ask for things that are obvious. As I am sure most would. Where do I turn or what help do I ask for when my kids are crying and I need comforting too? And how do I keep comforting them on an issue that I have little comfort in myself?

If we, the church, are the body, and the knees are scraped, what do we do to bandage them? If the brain of the church stops coordinating things in the body, what kind of neurologist helps with it? How does a church stop the hurt of so many? And how do we assess the order of neediness?

Ok, so I need help. But I don’t know what to ask for.

Midwives

Today I had an appointment with the midwives. My mom had offered to come and watch the kids for me. And i am so glad that i didn’t take her up on it!

There are student midwives learning right now in the community and there was a "lesson" happening as we were leaving. Anita was teaching Jane how to rupture a "membrane" (balloon) on a dumby that actually had a doll inside of it. Jul got right into the middle of it, and they not only let him, but encouraged him!! And after the balloon was popped he got to play with the hook, looking at what happened. If that wasn’t enough, Jul then asked to help birth the baby! Anita taught him how to help the baby out by holding the vagina and perineum and then how to gently lift the baby up as it exits. It was amazing to watch him in the mix of all these women-midwives and see his fascination.

And it is times like that that i am so excited about educating him at home!

Time going on

Well, its been two weeks since Thomas left. And this time has been an easier transition than any other before. Although, we still dont have a full routine, we are finding out way much easier than any other time before. Ususally it takes 4 weeks to get to where we are right now. And we have been this functional for almost a week now. I hope that we are able to move even faster into a better routine. Maybe a cleaner one. But that still isnt my strong point.

Jul and i have decided that once a week we are going to go to a new restaurant and try something different. Today we had Biryani. Its chicken, basmati rice, coconut and some seasoning that makes it a nice golden yellow colour. It was so good, (and there are left overs) that we are having it again for supper! I cant wait to figure out something else next week! Maybe we should do research on what to eat (or what country) and then have even more fun trying something out that we know a little about.

Jade is coming over monday to help me sort things out a bit, trying to get things in order... Then i will go to her house and help her. I think it is easier to help someone else in their house, than to do your own. I never know where to start in my house, but i have no difficulties in someone elses house.

Things I miss and the things i cherish

I have SO missed being around my friends lately... I miss sitting and chatting with them, sharing thoughts ideas, joys and frustrations with them. I miss the quiet comfort of having them near me and real conversations that you can only have with girl friends. I enjoy the things they say, how they challenge and encourage me. Excitement is barely the word when it comes to getting together with them, either one on one or in a big group.

Yet, i'm not ready to give up my time with Thomas. I dont want to share my time with the other people that i love so much. This time we have together is so precious! And being able to do things as a family is fantastic! We have never had time like this before. And i am being so selfish with it. So my dear friends... but i am not ready to give this up yet! But soon i will be back.

Affirmation

So often as a housewife i feel so incredibly inadequate!! If Thomas is alone with the kids, i come home to an emmaculate house, a gourmet meal, and a craft from the kids. All of which i love, but i feel like we choose poorly with me staying at home and Thomas working.

However, we were having an ultrasound, and Thomas (who was resting) decided he would stay and rest instead of getting up and coming with Jul and I. I was gone no longer than an hour and walk through the door, to yet another perfect house, a smiling child and... WAIT! what is this?! "I am going to kill her!"

So, while i was gone for the ultrasound, Clover woke up, minutes after i left, had loose poops, taken off her diaper and smeared it all over anything she could touch in her bedroom. (bed, walls curtain, window...) She then came and woke up Thomas who put her in the bath tub to clean her, then went to the bedroom to clean up her mess. Only to complete that, and have to do the bathroom.

Clover pulled the plug, and sprayed shampoo and body wash all over the bathroom. So, now, neither her or the bathroom was clean. And Thomas had to do both, clean her and the bathroom... but instead of keeping her with him, he took her down stairs after he cleaned her and went back upstairs and cleaned the bathroom... then came downstairs to garbage everywhere!

To make things even better, as he came down, a friend of his showed up and got to walk through all the garbage with him.

I got told, that he is not cut out to be a homemaker. That what i do i so much harder than anything he can "handle".

It was nice to hear, but it made me laugh hystarically because he was the one who wanted the ultrasound in the first place!!!

Little Children

I wish more and more that i had the faith of Jul. I am trying to plant a seed in him, but it is him who teaches me about God daily! Over the past month i have been amazed by his faith and understanding of God's love. And his complete unashamed love he has for God.
A month ago at a YMCA day camp, he stood up and started singing. Not just any song, but "Jesus loves me". Completely unprompted. And while i was being told this, i was so proud of him... and yet so scared of what others would say. And then yesterday at the midwives, he started singing "Jesus loves the little children" for the midwife. I feel so convicted because i almost felt that he should choose a different song... but then i would be pulling him away from Jesus.

At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children."
Matthew 11:25

There are basic fundamentals that have been quashed from my faith. And one of them is that i dont have to hide my faith from anyone... if someone doesnt like me because of my faith, that isnt my fault. And it isnt about me, but about God. I cant handle that kind of rejection, but (unfortunately) God can. And does endure it daily from many people. I dont want to be one of them. I want to teach my children about God, i want to write His commands above the door, I want to bring up my children to God, so that they never leave Him.
I think it is two ways though... as i teach Jul (and Clover) about His Word, they teach me about His heart!

And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."
Matthew 18:3

I am raising children to grow up and be men and women of God, and they are teaching me how to be a child of God.

Come On Down!!!

Last week i was feeling sick and really tired. Thomas took Jul grocery shopping with him while Clover slept. When they got home i had to hide my face from what they were bringing in... and then Jul set five things up on his little table and covered them...

"Jordin Peters, come on over!!!" was his best rendition of 'The Price is Right' calling a contestant down. So i walk over and act all excited for him... then he starts pulling covers off of things to show me all the little 'gifts' they bought me at the store.

I felt so much better because of how sweet he was... apparently Jul wanted to get me stuff he knew i liked to make me happy...

What a great kid!

long time ago...

What a crazy 4 months it has been!!! I have a life growing in my body. How bizarre is that? That one life can sustain another all within. That i can be so close to something that is developing by God's hands. That He is knitting something all within my body. I was totally unprepared for this to happen. I held onto the hope that Thomas had... and when the negitive pregnancy test turned positive after ... about 20 mins i was totally shocked.

I love friends. I love how they care about each other. I love that they let me love them... and that they love me in return. I love how 'family' can be created with friends. I love how community is created through friends. And i love how my children are getting to grow up in such a friend-rich, loving community. And that we can be safe in what we feel and share with each other. I love that people can call us up and say "i need help", and that we can do the same. I love that Next is growing... and its all because of Gods love. Everything is. Everything grows from God... no life exists without him... And God gives us friends...

Thomas and my opinions for the treatments have swapped. He thinks that one month is enough... and i feel that if it didnt work this time that i would like to do one more month. I wonder how much of his opinion is from me complaining and how much of it is from the reactions i have to the medication. And in so many ways i wish i could will myself into pregnancy. Does God look at effort...i mean... does he see if someone is trying? Does it make a difference?

"does the hope out weight the disappointment?"

Good question. I dont know... The confidence that Thomas has that i will get pregnant again means that there is hope. I dont feel the same at all. But i wonder if the difference is that i am afraid to hope... because i might be disappointed when it doesnt happen. I guess i feel that if i dont hope, then i cant be disappointed, because it will never happen anyways.

I am afraid though. I dont know how to hope for something that i dont expect to happen. And i dont expect the treatment to work. So, why bother doing it? I guess that goes back to whether or not God expects us to put any effort forth. There is no life without God... so, i could do nothing and i might get pregnant.

It is just so confusing. But at least i have Thomas and friends to talk to about it.

I love today! Not because of the green shamrocks, or green anything. I love it because Thomas and i had the day basicly alone! Jul is at the playtrium and having a great time. Clover is napping...as is Thomas, and i just woke up. I'm sure i could sleep longer, but i thought i ought to get up. I'm getting hungry. I want to go out tonight... go listen to irish music. Maybe dance a little. I know it wont happen... but it would be fun!

We start watching Thomas' nephew on monday. I do want to help Marie out, i just dont know how i feel about babysitting every day. I want us to be able to do things and go places. This time off is for us to do things. So we will have to see what happens. The next two weeks Liam is here. But after that her schedual will be sorted out. And hopefully we will have some time back to ourselves. So we can go places and do things. I have no problem taking another child around.... but we want to go places and we cant do that if we watch him every day. I know i am being selfish. But i dont want to share my time with Thomas. And i feel guilty of that. Partially because i am being gluttenous, and partly because i dont even want to share him with our kids.

I am loving lazy afternoons... quiet. and very peaceful.

Parental Leave

I am loving having Thomas home with me. It is so nice just to be together like this, with the kids. Although, sometimes i feel like i am neglecting them so i can be with him. I think i have become more selfish since he's been off. I dont want to share him with anyone... yet i have be come more giving of his time. He is going out more than ever. I love that he is getting 'guy' time, and making good friendships. I love that we are getting this special time. I love that we are exploring new things and able to come back together and share them together. I love that we dont want to be apart. And at the same we love that we are getting our together time during the day so when the kids go to bed, we can either let the passion get the better of us right then, or later in the evening.

On another note... I am so excited about the prospect of the church planting around the corner from me. We choose this area specifically. Although, we would love to live closer to downtown, we also feel a responciblity to our community. Last year i even hired a boy from around the corner to do odd jobs for me. Jobs i can do, and did do. but i felt if i could hire him, then he would have something to do, and money to do things with. He came from a home with a step dad who didnt work, and wouldnt allow him to stay in the house, so he was out all the time. He didnt get an allowance at home... so i feel like i was able to contribute and help him a little. This is where i want to be, either in kingston, toronto or ottawa... in a community that helps the community. I love doing it. And i am glad that we are going to be doing it here!

KCFF

The Kingston film fest is on this weekend. I bought a VIP pass because last year i didnt get to see the film i wanted due to it being sold out. Last night i saw "Love is Work", an improvisational comdedy/drama. It was ok. I enjoyed it because i love watching people. The second film had me completely captivated! "The End of Silence" is a romance film. The passion between the actors was incredible. The tenderness and affection was heart warming. Scenes between Eddie and Darya (a russian ballerina, who doesnt speak much english)we moving. The director captured something special... especially in one scene where Darya starts crying, you see Eddie with her in the bathroom , washing her face in the bathtub. Very tender. Sarah Harmer gets her acting debut in this movie, and does a wonderful job. The only complaint i have about this movie is that i believe that such passion and love should be together. Maybe i am naive that way, but i have to forget the ending so that i can keep the feeling of passion. I think i love this movie because i know that passion. I know how it feels to be looked at like the way Eddie does to Darya. I know how it feels to be in a room of people and feel such passion that is almost uncontrolable. I know how it feels to have passion so strong that others can see an aura almost... passion that is tangible. I cant imagine living without this passion! And it hurts to even think a thing is possible.

Movie?

I am going to the movies tonight. I think I am…. At least, I want to. I’m a little excited about it. I want to go, but I don’t want to be away from Thomas tonight. I feel like my whole world has gone topsy-turvy. After letting the darkness out yesterday I feel better today. But I was still unable to control my frustration when my mom was here. I don’t know what to say to her. I know a big secret that I can’t tell her. A very hurtful secret. And I shouldn’t have to keep it. But I will. And I will be there when the truth comes out. I am feeling a little less sad about the medication. Although I am a little disappointed already in knowing that I am taking a higher dosage than normal. I have often said that your attitude is a choice. You can choose to either be miserable or happy. The past few days I have allowed myself to be miserable. But I feel happy today… at least happier. Still a little lonely, but happy. I want Thomas to look at me and I want to see happiness in his eyes. Joy… but the both of us are stressed. I think his stress is because of me, and because he doesn’t know what to do to help me. :) I feel good!

The fun has yet to begin!

I have become a master at hiding. There are deep, dark places in my soul that only God knows about. He and i battle for these areas. I don’t mean to fight him, but sometimes i can’t let them go. They are all that i understand. If i don’t have control of them, then i don’t know where to turn when i am stressed. Years ago these areas helped me survive, putting a mask on to show that everything was ok. Not so long ago this dark spot in my soul crept out and left wounds on my body. I can no longer hide my body. Therefore, i can no longer use that part of my soul. But i still damage myself when i am stressed. I can hide the darkness from everyone but Him. And he is the only one that i want to give it to, and the only one i am not willing to hand over control to. I don’t want to let go of control of this area yet. I feel more pain coming in my life and i don’t know how else to release stress. Sometimes i think i have handed everything over, only to discover that i am still holding on. Sometimes i just need the pain. I like prayer. It’s nice to feel like someone isn’t judging me on my thoughts or feelings. He isn’t concerned when i share these dark thoughts. He knows i am ok and i know that He doesn’t love me any less. I know i have many friends who don’t judge me, and would listen to me, but they all have ideas on how things should be. How should things be? I miss being listened to. By God, that is. I am stressed. And i don’t know how to ask for help with this area of my soul. I long to feel at peace with my decisions. And at time i do. Sometimes i feel excited about the prospect of this treatment working. At the same time i don’t want to hope any more. I want something tangible. Not percentages of a change. I want a guarantee. These are areas that will show how shallow i truly am. How even with people i trust, i don’t let them get too deep. I don’t want to scare them. I'm sure many of the people i know feel the same way about themselves. They don’t feel like they can be "real". How sick i use to be of hearing that! "You are so real!!" And all i could think is "that’s because you don’t see any deeper." I let you see what i feel safe showing. What i know you can handle seeing. Is there more out there? Are there more people like me feeling like the darkest parts of their souls can’t be exposed? I'm sure there are. But this isn’t about them. This is about me. I am anxious about tomorrow. But i will suppress it until i can hold it back no more. Then i will let the darkness see light. And then i will keep on going. This sounds creepy, even as i reread it... but these are just the deeper parts boiling over... don’t be scared, i'm still sweet me!

Day 5

When having children naturally stops and one starts to search other avenues of options, they become increasingly lonely and expensive. I knew very early that i would have difficulties getting pregnant. And when Thomas and i started actively pursuing the possiblity of intervention it came quickly and easily. Unlike most others experiences. But we were young and had time on our side. We got pregnant relatively quickly. And we were both passionately involved. Our options have decreased. I am no longer responding to the medication. So the next step removes any familiarity. I have a new doctor, that i dont see. A new nurse, that didnt invite Thomas into the room to join the conversation. And a lot of poking and proding commences on Thursday. And i become very alone in this process. I dont like how Thomas isnt even asked to join me in anything. Its clinical and sterile. Is this truly going to be honored by God? Something that removes his plan for procreation? Then i start wondering how much more i can expect from God. I have one natural child, and God gave me an adopted child. Each of the childrens presence in our lives is a miracle. Almost no one gets pregnant the first time on medication... and people wait years for an infant to be placed in their homes for adoption. How can i ask God for any more? But i do. I dont think i am the one who put the desire to have children into my heart. But why give the desire, but not the ability? What am i missing? Very soon i will be missing my husband on the pursuit of this dream-chasing. I feel very lost in all of this.