I love friends. I love how they care about each other. I love that they let me love them... and that they love me in return. I love how 'family' can be created with friends. I love how community is created through friends. And i love how my children are getting to grow up in such a friend-rich, loving community. And that we can be safe in what we feel and share with each other. I love that people can call us up and say "i need help", and that we can do the same. I love that Next is growing... and its all because of Gods love. Everything is. Everything grows from God... no life exists without him... And God gives us friends...

Thomas and my opinions for the treatments have swapped. He thinks that one month is enough... and i feel that if it didnt work this time that i would like to do one more month. I wonder how much of his opinion is from me complaining and how much of it is from the reactions i have to the medication. And in so many ways i wish i could will myself into pregnancy. Does God look at effort...i mean... does he see if someone is trying? Does it make a difference?

"does the hope out weight the disappointment?"

Good question. I dont know... The confidence that Thomas has that i will get pregnant again means that there is hope. I dont feel the same at all. But i wonder if the difference is that i am afraid to hope... because i might be disappointed when it doesnt happen. I guess i feel that if i dont hope, then i cant be disappointed, because it will never happen anyways.

I am afraid though. I dont know how to hope for something that i dont expect to happen. And i dont expect the treatment to work. So, why bother doing it? I guess that goes back to whether or not God expects us to put any effort forth. There is no life without God... so, i could do nothing and i might get pregnant.

It is just so confusing. But at least i have Thomas and friends to talk to about it.

I love today! Not because of the green shamrocks, or green anything. I love it because Thomas and i had the day basicly alone! Jul is at the playtrium and having a great time. Clover is napping...as is Thomas, and i just woke up. I'm sure i could sleep longer, but i thought i ought to get up. I'm getting hungry. I want to go out tonight... go listen to irish music. Maybe dance a little. I know it wont happen... but it would be fun!

We start watching Thomas' nephew on monday. I do want to help Marie out, i just dont know how i feel about babysitting every day. I want us to be able to do things and go places. This time off is for us to do things. So we will have to see what happens. The next two weeks Liam is here. But after that her schedual will be sorted out. And hopefully we will have some time back to ourselves. So we can go places and do things. I have no problem taking another child around.... but we want to go places and we cant do that if we watch him every day. I know i am being selfish. But i dont want to share my time with Thomas. And i feel guilty of that. Partially because i am being gluttenous, and partly because i dont even want to share him with our kids.

I am loving lazy afternoons... quiet. and very peaceful.

Parental Leave

I am loving having Thomas home with me. It is so nice just to be together like this, with the kids. Although, sometimes i feel like i am neglecting them so i can be with him. I think i have become more selfish since he's been off. I dont want to share him with anyone... yet i have be come more giving of his time. He is going out more than ever. I love that he is getting 'guy' time, and making good friendships. I love that we are getting this special time. I love that we are exploring new things and able to come back together and share them together. I love that we dont want to be apart. And at the same we love that we are getting our together time during the day so when the kids go to bed, we can either let the passion get the better of us right then, or later in the evening.

On another note... I am so excited about the prospect of the church planting around the corner from me. We choose this area specifically. Although, we would love to live closer to downtown, we also feel a responciblity to our community. Last year i even hired a boy from around the corner to do odd jobs for me. Jobs i can do, and did do. but i felt if i could hire him, then he would have something to do, and money to do things with. He came from a home with a step dad who didnt work, and wouldnt allow him to stay in the house, so he was out all the time. He didnt get an allowance at home... so i feel like i was able to contribute and help him a little. This is where i want to be, either in kingston, toronto or ottawa... in a community that helps the community. I love doing it. And i am glad that we are going to be doing it here!

KCFF

The Kingston film fest is on this weekend. I bought a VIP pass because last year i didnt get to see the film i wanted due to it being sold out. Last night i saw "Love is Work", an improvisational comdedy/drama. It was ok. I enjoyed it because i love watching people. The second film had me completely captivated! "The End of Silence" is a romance film. The passion between the actors was incredible. The tenderness and affection was heart warming. Scenes between Eddie and Darya (a russian ballerina, who doesnt speak much english)we moving. The director captured something special... especially in one scene where Darya starts crying, you see Eddie with her in the bathroom , washing her face in the bathtub. Very tender. Sarah Harmer gets her acting debut in this movie, and does a wonderful job. The only complaint i have about this movie is that i believe that such passion and love should be together. Maybe i am naive that way, but i have to forget the ending so that i can keep the feeling of passion. I think i love this movie because i know that passion. I know how it feels to be looked at like the way Eddie does to Darya. I know how it feels to be in a room of people and feel such passion that is almost uncontrolable. I know how it feels to have passion so strong that others can see an aura almost... passion that is tangible. I cant imagine living without this passion! And it hurts to even think a thing is possible.

Movie?

I am going to the movies tonight. I think I am…. At least, I want to. I’m a little excited about it. I want to go, but I don’t want to be away from Thomas tonight. I feel like my whole world has gone topsy-turvy. After letting the darkness out yesterday I feel better today. But I was still unable to control my frustration when my mom was here. I don’t know what to say to her. I know a big secret that I can’t tell her. A very hurtful secret. And I shouldn’t have to keep it. But I will. And I will be there when the truth comes out. I am feeling a little less sad about the medication. Although I am a little disappointed already in knowing that I am taking a higher dosage than normal. I have often said that your attitude is a choice. You can choose to either be miserable or happy. The past few days I have allowed myself to be miserable. But I feel happy today… at least happier. Still a little lonely, but happy. I want Thomas to look at me and I want to see happiness in his eyes. Joy… but the both of us are stressed. I think his stress is because of me, and because he doesn’t know what to do to help me. :) I feel good!

The fun has yet to begin!

I have become a master at hiding. There are deep, dark places in my soul that only God knows about. He and i battle for these areas. I don’t mean to fight him, but sometimes i can’t let them go. They are all that i understand. If i don’t have control of them, then i don’t know where to turn when i am stressed. Years ago these areas helped me survive, putting a mask on to show that everything was ok. Not so long ago this dark spot in my soul crept out and left wounds on my body. I can no longer hide my body. Therefore, i can no longer use that part of my soul. But i still damage myself when i am stressed. I can hide the darkness from everyone but Him. And he is the only one that i want to give it to, and the only one i am not willing to hand over control to. I don’t want to let go of control of this area yet. I feel more pain coming in my life and i don’t know how else to release stress. Sometimes i think i have handed everything over, only to discover that i am still holding on. Sometimes i just need the pain. I like prayer. It’s nice to feel like someone isn’t judging me on my thoughts or feelings. He isn’t concerned when i share these dark thoughts. He knows i am ok and i know that He doesn’t love me any less. I know i have many friends who don’t judge me, and would listen to me, but they all have ideas on how things should be. How should things be? I miss being listened to. By God, that is. I am stressed. And i don’t know how to ask for help with this area of my soul. I long to feel at peace with my decisions. And at time i do. Sometimes i feel excited about the prospect of this treatment working. At the same time i don’t want to hope any more. I want something tangible. Not percentages of a change. I want a guarantee. These are areas that will show how shallow i truly am. How even with people i trust, i don’t let them get too deep. I don’t want to scare them. I'm sure many of the people i know feel the same way about themselves. They don’t feel like they can be "real". How sick i use to be of hearing that! "You are so real!!" And all i could think is "that’s because you don’t see any deeper." I let you see what i feel safe showing. What i know you can handle seeing. Is there more out there? Are there more people like me feeling like the darkest parts of their souls can’t be exposed? I'm sure there are. But this isn’t about them. This is about me. I am anxious about tomorrow. But i will suppress it until i can hold it back no more. Then i will let the darkness see light. And then i will keep on going. This sounds creepy, even as i reread it... but these are just the deeper parts boiling over... don’t be scared, i'm still sweet me!

Day 5

When having children naturally stops and one starts to search other avenues of options, they become increasingly lonely and expensive. I knew very early that i would have difficulties getting pregnant. And when Thomas and i started actively pursuing the possiblity of intervention it came quickly and easily. Unlike most others experiences. But we were young and had time on our side. We got pregnant relatively quickly. And we were both passionately involved. Our options have decreased. I am no longer responding to the medication. So the next step removes any familiarity. I have a new doctor, that i dont see. A new nurse, that didnt invite Thomas into the room to join the conversation. And a lot of poking and proding commences on Thursday. And i become very alone in this process. I dont like how Thomas isnt even asked to join me in anything. Its clinical and sterile. Is this truly going to be honored by God? Something that removes his plan for procreation? Then i start wondering how much more i can expect from God. I have one natural child, and God gave me an adopted child. Each of the childrens presence in our lives is a miracle. Almost no one gets pregnant the first time on medication... and people wait years for an infant to be placed in their homes for adoption. How can i ask God for any more? But i do. I dont think i am the one who put the desire to have children into my heart. But why give the desire, but not the ability? What am i missing? Very soon i will be missing my husband on the pursuit of this dream-chasing. I feel very lost in all of this.