Come On Down!!!

Last week i was feeling sick and really tired. Thomas took Jul grocery shopping with him while Clover slept. When they got home i had to hide my face from what they were bringing in... and then Jul set five things up on his little table and covered them...

"Jordin Peters, come on over!!!" was his best rendition of 'The Price is Right' calling a contestant down. So i walk over and act all excited for him... then he starts pulling covers off of things to show me all the little 'gifts' they bought me at the store.

I felt so much better because of how sweet he was... apparently Jul wanted to get me stuff he knew i liked to make me happy...

What a great kid!

long time ago...

What a crazy 4 months it has been!!! I have a life growing in my body. How bizarre is that? That one life can sustain another all within. That i can be so close to something that is developing by God's hands. That He is knitting something all within my body. I was totally unprepared for this to happen. I held onto the hope that Thomas had... and when the negitive pregnancy test turned positive after ... about 20 mins i was totally shocked.

I love friends. I love how they care about each other. I love that they let me love them... and that they love me in return. I love how 'family' can be created with friends. I love how community is created through friends. And i love how my children are getting to grow up in such a friend-rich, loving community. And that we can be safe in what we feel and share with each other. I love that people can call us up and say "i need help", and that we can do the same. I love that Next is growing... and its all because of Gods love. Everything is. Everything grows from God... no life exists without him... And God gives us friends...

Thomas and my opinions for the treatments have swapped. He thinks that one month is enough... and i feel that if it didnt work this time that i would like to do one more month. I wonder how much of his opinion is from me complaining and how much of it is from the reactions i have to the medication. And in so many ways i wish i could will myself into pregnancy. Does God look at effort...i mean... does he see if someone is trying? Does it make a difference?

"does the hope out weight the disappointment?"

Good question. I dont know... The confidence that Thomas has that i will get pregnant again means that there is hope. I dont feel the same at all. But i wonder if the difference is that i am afraid to hope... because i might be disappointed when it doesnt happen. I guess i feel that if i dont hope, then i cant be disappointed, because it will never happen anyways.

I am afraid though. I dont know how to hope for something that i dont expect to happen. And i dont expect the treatment to work. So, why bother doing it? I guess that goes back to whether or not God expects us to put any effort forth. There is no life without God... so, i could do nothing and i might get pregnant.

It is just so confusing. But at least i have Thomas and friends to talk to about it.

I love today! Not because of the green shamrocks, or green anything. I love it because Thomas and i had the day basicly alone! Jul is at the playtrium and having a great time. Clover is napping...as is Thomas, and i just woke up. I'm sure i could sleep longer, but i thought i ought to get up. I'm getting hungry. I want to go out tonight... go listen to irish music. Maybe dance a little. I know it wont happen... but it would be fun!

We start watching Thomas' nephew on monday. I do want to help Marie out, i just dont know how i feel about babysitting every day. I want us to be able to do things and go places. This time off is for us to do things. So we will have to see what happens. The next two weeks Liam is here. But after that her schedual will be sorted out. And hopefully we will have some time back to ourselves. So we can go places and do things. I have no problem taking another child around.... but we want to go places and we cant do that if we watch him every day. I know i am being selfish. But i dont want to share my time with Thomas. And i feel guilty of that. Partially because i am being gluttenous, and partly because i dont even want to share him with our kids.

I am loving lazy afternoons... quiet. and very peaceful.

Parental Leave

I am loving having Thomas home with me. It is so nice just to be together like this, with the kids. Although, sometimes i feel like i am neglecting them so i can be with him. I think i have become more selfish since he's been off. I dont want to share him with anyone... yet i have be come more giving of his time. He is going out more than ever. I love that he is getting 'guy' time, and making good friendships. I love that we are getting this special time. I love that we are exploring new things and able to come back together and share them together. I love that we dont want to be apart. And at the same we love that we are getting our together time during the day so when the kids go to bed, we can either let the passion get the better of us right then, or later in the evening.

On another note... I am so excited about the prospect of the church planting around the corner from me. We choose this area specifically. Although, we would love to live closer to downtown, we also feel a responciblity to our community. Last year i even hired a boy from around the corner to do odd jobs for me. Jobs i can do, and did do. but i felt if i could hire him, then he would have something to do, and money to do things with. He came from a home with a step dad who didnt work, and wouldnt allow him to stay in the house, so he was out all the time. He didnt get an allowance at home... so i feel like i was able to contribute and help him a little. This is where i want to be, either in kingston, toronto or ottawa... in a community that helps the community. I love doing it. And i am glad that we are going to be doing it here!

KCFF

The Kingston film fest is on this weekend. I bought a VIP pass because last year i didnt get to see the film i wanted due to it being sold out. Last night i saw "Love is Work", an improvisational comdedy/drama. It was ok. I enjoyed it because i love watching people. The second film had me completely captivated! "The End of Silence" is a romance film. The passion between the actors was incredible. The tenderness and affection was heart warming. Scenes between Eddie and Darya (a russian ballerina, who doesnt speak much english)we moving. The director captured something special... especially in one scene where Darya starts crying, you see Eddie with her in the bathroom , washing her face in the bathtub. Very tender. Sarah Harmer gets her acting debut in this movie, and does a wonderful job. The only complaint i have about this movie is that i believe that such passion and love should be together. Maybe i am naive that way, but i have to forget the ending so that i can keep the feeling of passion. I think i love this movie because i know that passion. I know how it feels to be looked at like the way Eddie does to Darya. I know how it feels to be in a room of people and feel such passion that is almost uncontrolable. I know how it feels to have passion so strong that others can see an aura almost... passion that is tangible. I cant imagine living without this passion! And it hurts to even think a thing is possible.

Movie?

I am going to the movies tonight. I think I am…. At least, I want to. I’m a little excited about it. I want to go, but I don’t want to be away from Thomas tonight. I feel like my whole world has gone topsy-turvy. After letting the darkness out yesterday I feel better today. But I was still unable to control my frustration when my mom was here. I don’t know what to say to her. I know a big secret that I can’t tell her. A very hurtful secret. And I shouldn’t have to keep it. But I will. And I will be there when the truth comes out. I am feeling a little less sad about the medication. Although I am a little disappointed already in knowing that I am taking a higher dosage than normal. I have often said that your attitude is a choice. You can choose to either be miserable or happy. The past few days I have allowed myself to be miserable. But I feel happy today… at least happier. Still a little lonely, but happy. I want Thomas to look at me and I want to see happiness in his eyes. Joy… but the both of us are stressed. I think his stress is because of me, and because he doesn’t know what to do to help me. :) I feel good!