Complete again

It has been so wonderful having Thomas home!!! The feeling of peace and calm and comfort. It is such a blessing to have him have time off too! The kids are loving having him back. Clover cant get enough of him.... she doesn't want me, only Daddy! I love seeing the incredibly strong bond the kids have with him.

I learned an amazing amount of stuff about me and who i am while Thomas was gone. I haven't shared much of that with anyone yet. I have been working on a post (more for Thomas than anyone else), but it seems to be taking a long time to get out what i want to say.

I think all those around me feel the peace i have again now that Thomas is home... they all ask how he is and if it's nice having him back.... like it wouldn't be!!! A part of my soul was missing for 3 months... and now it is complete again. I am complete again.

They make me laugh!

Jul: "Mommy, why was Jesus made out of bread?"

~

Clover: Knock knock

Anyone: who's there?

Clover: Apple (or fish, or cow, or whatever)

Anyone: Apple who?

long pause

Clover: MOO!!!

~

Jul: "Mommy, Astrid and i are playing 'Pirates of the Cariboo'!!!"

~

I dont know where they come up with these things... but i love each and every one of them!!!

Yesterday, or something that seems like it

Yesterday i lamented about what i was missing that God was trying to teach me with all this insanity with sicknesses happening in our family. But today i feel very different about it. Today i am allowing myself to see that it really IS a lot! Especially to deal with all in 2 weeks. I kept thinking that i was letting everyone down around me... all the loving people who have helped me. But really, i would be very understanding and more than willing to pitch in if the roles were reversed with any number of friends.

On another note, this is our last week without Thomas! I cant believe it is almost over. It feels (looking back on it) that it was just yesterday that he left... but really it's been almost 11 weeks. 11 weeks!!! That's a whole trimester.... 3 months basically. And we did it! I am pretty surprised that i did it. I wasn't sure that i would be able to do it... that i wouldn't make it. And really, i almost didn't. But i love that i have my sanity intact and friends who are family.

Dreams

Last week at PEG, we talked about dreams... and it has taken me this long to write out a response to the topic (which i loved)... and here is what i wrote:

Thomas and I have been married for coming on 9 years. And in this time we have done much work and “studies” in community. For years in Christian circles this has been a catch-phrase: building community, having a “safe” community, being a part of community and so forth. I have said it before to many, many people; I am so SICK of talking about community.

My dream has always been to be a part of community. Meaning, we truly know each other. That we are honest and supportive of each other, no matter what. That we can always call on one another, good or bad. That we share possessions and love and our homes with each other. In my dream “community” each of us could show up unannounced and be welcomed into each others homes. That we accept whatever state that house is in and enjoy each other. That if we see a need, we don’t talk about what we can do to fill it, we just fill it. I know it is very radical thinking in many churches, where they like the safety of organized get-togethers and assistance, but I do truly believe that is what Jesus meant by love each other…
"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'…”
Matt 25:31-40
For me, when we moved back to Kingston, I was hoping that I would be done talking about it and live it. We got off to a difficult start. Not feeling like our “home church” was where God wanted us to be, we migrated to Next and had some difficulties fitting in, in the beginning. I have a wonderful understanding of what “community” should and could be, and have wanted to live it out, and have TRIED to live it out. But I never dreamed I would be the object of such immense community. I have found deeper friendships, more meaningful “sermons” than I imagined. I have prayed that my children would live not only in what a community should be, but it would become their family as well.

Peggers, Nexters and Rustlers are my extended family. You have all come into my life and have fed us on many levels, given me (us) a drink for a parched soul, you invited me in, and have clothed me (not only in my clothing, but blanketed me with love). On top of all that, you have accepted wherever I have been in my life, including the chaos, and have helped tamed it. And you have been there to celebrate all of our joys too! And I want to do the same for all of you, and I hope I have done the same for all of you!

I dreamed of and prayed for community. True to Jesus’ love and the “first church”… and God has answered my prayers with you! With all of us uniting to do what He has called us to… and I am so grateful that I am apart of it. Even when it is hard to be humble and accept people doing my laundry, or bringing me food, or helping me clean…I do love that I have a dream come true. And that prayer has been answered!

Norah Jones

Today at the midwives, they had Norah Jones playing. Not unusual. However, Jul noticed it for the first time and right away recognized her voice. A few weeks ago, we were at a car dealership looking at vehicles because we were afraid that a third seat may not fit in safely. While there Jul watched a Sesame street video about letter and Norah Jones was one of the contributers. Jul piped up at the clinic today and said "this is the girl who did the letter 'I' on the video".

WOW. I am so impressed that he recognized it...

He amazes me daily.

Different Perspectives

Yesterday I went to my father’s cottage and the kids went swimming. Jul just for a minute, but Clover is such a water baby, that she stayed in for almost 20 minutes. I can’t get over how much she is like me! It was really nice to hang out with just my dad for 3 hours. It showed me why my mom, at one time, fell in love with him. It’s nice to see that. For so many years I never understood how or why they would have been together. But my mother is a kind, sweet person, who I suspect at the time, was very needy. And I can see my father being very devoted and attentive, especially to her young daughter. However, for so many years I have only seen their negatives, and could never picture them together. I don’t wish that God came into their lives then…I don’t think I could truly explain why. But I am glad that God did. And although my life wasn’t easy, and their faults were very difficult on me, I know that they love me very much. Even if they don’t even like each other. And I am grateful for God changing my life.

"The Body of Christ"

This past week at church the body was the metaphor for what the Church is. What does that mean? Well… that’s a great question. What does it mean? Does it mean that we can’t survive without each part? I don’t know, ask any amputee. They do seem to survive, even if they require a prosthetic. Does it mean we all share in a part of something bigger? And if that is the case, how do we all work together? Or is it just something that we can all relate to as we all have bodies? It’s a pretty tangible explanation. (No pun intended.) If it is that we all have a part in the church, how do we coordinate with each other? And to whom do we go for assistance when parts aren’t working the way you would expect them?

So many people since Thomas left (and before he left) said to me that if I need help or anything at all to call them, and they will be there for me. I truly appreciate this from all who offer. I do need help. But I don’t know how anyone can help us or our situation. And I am not even sure what I need help with. I’m exhausted. Does that mean I need to sleep more? No, it means I am almost 8 months pregnant. Jul is having difficulties going to bed at night. How can anyone help me with that? I don’t know how to help him myself. I know he misses Daddy, but I can’t bring him home.

I keep wondering; if I had this or that would I feel overwhelmed with chores? Probably, no “appliance” or assistant is going to help the fact that I am tired and my kids won’t go to bed until I am almost ready to sleep myself. Everyone wants to help out… be the body of Christ for me. And I love them all for it. But I don’t know where to start. I find it easy to ask for things that are obvious. As I am sure most would. Where do I turn or what help do I ask for when my kids are crying and I need comforting too? And how do I keep comforting them on an issue that I have little comfort in myself?

If we, the church, are the body, and the knees are scraped, what do we do to bandage them? If the brain of the church stops coordinating things in the body, what kind of neurologist helps with it? How does a church stop the hurt of so many? And how do we assess the order of neediness?

Ok, so I need help. But I don’t know what to ask for.