A response to Michelle's comment

"Now, there are still people involved with each of these organization that i would rather not have around me, all i can do is try not to allow how i feel about them affect how i treat them, or i try not to allow the things they say to influence how i feel about myself."

I, personally, have a harder time with the second part of that paragraph. I am incredibly sensitive, and easily hurt, despite how secure (and slightly defensive) i come off. And i think a lot of my response is because i dont want people to know how easily hurt i am.

I use to say: never cry in front of the one that hurt you, because you dont want them to know that they can hurt you. Because of that i am now overly defense. And i always found it interesting that people would tell me how open i am, or how "real" i am. I think people mistake my honesty for intimacy. That i allow them into my inner sanctum of who i am. But what i am doing is just being honest. I say things that others might not. They may think them, but never say them.

This can cause problems with people who misinterpret what i am saying. Sometimes what i say is perceived in a way that i didnt intend for it to be taken. It is the people who ask and call me on what i am say that i want to surround myself with. And it's the ones who keep their comments or questions to themselves that hurt me the most. Their 'silence' makes me question myself and makes the feel like i am not good enough, or even worse, that i am a bad person and a bad parent. I dont think am i either. I feel successful in my parenting and in my life.

I try hard to be careful. And i dont want to be so sensitive. But i am who i am, and i think part of my sensitivity helps me be more compassionate. I want to be known for that: my love and compassion.

seclution

Today at PEG we talked about how do we decide who influences our children. Or at least that is what we were supposed to talk about. I didnt plan on leading it so i didnt prepare any questions. However, i ended up trying. But it did get me thinking, how so i decide. Or do i decide at all.

This can be especially difficult with family. And i find that with people who are negative regarding homeschooling in suggesting that my children will never learn how to interact with people that they might have difficulties with. And really, i would love to meet a family that doesnt have at least one difficult member! You cant avoid family entirely. But i do limit time with them or I alter my level of supervision.

I can do my best regarding certain children. But i cant avoid them all together. And, in fact, all i can do when they are around is remind Jul how i want him to play. This happened very recently. And i was very proud of how Jul responded!

Then there is the fact that i home educate. There are a few organizations that i can get involved with, but i choose not to. I think i will look into them, but i feel right now, where we are, at this time, i dont want to make myself more busy. And, then i have to decide how i want to be involved. Or more, who i want to be involved with within these organizations. Right now, i am happy with what organizations (such as PEG, YBA, Rustle and baseball) we are involved with.

Now, there are still people involved with each of these organization that i would rather not have around me, all i can do is try not to allow how i feel about them affect how i treat them, or i try not to allow the things they say to influence how i feel about myself.

I want to be a good influence. I try really hard to be a good influence on my children, and to others around me. Because, in the end, i am the one who will influence my children the most.

I have been so excited lately. I have been loving almost every aspect of life lately. Yet, i have been unable to post. Why? I think partly because my mind goes blank whenever i try to write something. And partly because i feel i give an inaccurate view of what my life is like. I hate reading blogs that only show the pretty part of their life. I want to give the whole picture of what my life is like. Only lately, my life has felt incredibly insane!!! On course, finished course, bumped from course, on course again. On the ball, dropping the ball, learning, forgetting, happy and excited, frustrated and disappointed.

I have felt only slightly overwhelmed lately. But my brain doesnt seem fully functional, as Jul would say: 'i forgot my brain'.

It amazes me how much Thomas affects our home life when he isnt even around!! But everything truly revolves around him. And it makes sense, we are a unit.

My two youngest have only been awake for 1 hour and 1/2, respectively, and i am so glad that i didnt rush out the door, seeing as it has started to rain.

I have been neglectful.

My mind has been a blur.

There is so much going on, so much i am excited about. So many things i have been proud of accomplishing. So many things i want to share, but can never remember when i come and sit to write.

But what i have noticed, i am most coherent in the few minutes before i fall asleep. I think that is because i have settled down, and my brain isnt in over drive and able to verbalize in a calm and thoughtful manner.

Here is today though:

• weeks of calm and functional education at home
• waiting, not so patiently, regarding Thomas' course
• disappointment in my extended family
• joy in watching the children

Sorry there isnt more to this... just a slow reintegration back into sharing!

This week, starting last thursday, has been amazing!!!

There is only one position that is ranked on Thomas' course. There is no second place. And with much answer to prayer, Thomas has been ranked #1 unanimously, among his peers and staff. This is a huge honour!! I am so proud of him. It has been 5 years of waiting and praying and waiting more... and it is so exciting to see God answer these prayers and bless him.

Last night we played softball. It was so much fun!!! I really enjoyed it. I dont know if the team ended up winning, but i do know that i was batting 1.000!!! Thomas got an amazing out... and i played 1st base. I didnt drop the ball once! Yeah me!!

And as of today, we are both 30!

Monday Ramblings

This weekend and today have felt more busy than what they were. And i feel like i am on a treadmill; moving quickly but getting no where.

This morning Jul and i did some math by playing football. I think by the time he is 8 he will have no problem with his 7 times tables! We painted in the bath for a bit. And cleaned the house. Again.

I keep thinking that i need a curriculum, i need a better system, i need to focus more, i need to be more diligent, i need to be more creative.... and so on. What i think i really need is to settle down. Relax and get things in order for september. And maybe prepare a bit the night before. Hopefully by then Jul is back to Jul.

Jul's big joy in life right now is washing the floors. Which is great, except that i need to have it in a washable state. I am trying to have it that way daily, but with little co-operation.

Tonight i invited several people over who wanted to get together and chat 'home school stuff', and i think it is going to turn into a movie night, seeing as only 2 people are coming. Mind you, it was originally friday, then saturday and i was asked to move it to accommodate people... i dont think i am going to be so accommodating anymore.

Wednesday cant come fast enough.

On Sunday on our walk back from the book fair at church, we stopped at the local high school to eat lunch outside. Clover tumbled a little and pouted. Thomas walked over and hugged her to make her feel better. Oakley watched all this very intently. After it all played out, he put his hands on the ground and very slowly lowered his head until the top barely touched the ground. He popped up, looked over to Thomas and gave the same pout Clover gave. Thomas went over to him and comforted him the way that he did for Clover. The funny part of the story is that Oakley repeated "hitting" his head and running to Thomas for comfort about a dozen times.