anger

Twice this week Jul has broken his glasses. And not by accident. But violently and purposely. After the first time, he learned not to break them, he had Clover jump on them. That way *he* didnt break them, he just told Clover to break them. So, in my distress, i removed ALL of their toys. ALL! Thomas and i are going to go through them all and sort through and get rid of most of them. The rest are going to be earned back. (until tuesday, when they can have them all back.)

I am very grateful for my church. I was able to talk to another mom who works with troubled kids.... and it was so useful to be reminded of things that i seem to forget during the moment. Such as, when kids are angry they want to show how angry they are. And although i knew this, i couldnt see it. She also gave me some useful skills in dealing with Jul.

I think i can!

I feel so much better about teaching my children myself now that i have had Jul in school. before i felt like i was constantly failing because other kids were doing things that Jul wasnt. I couldnt always see the things that Jul was doing that they werent. Mainly because one only talks about what a child is doing, as opposed to what they arent doing. So having Jul in school reminded me that all children develop differently, and that each childs interests help with that development.

So....

Today started out rough. Jul was in a bad mood and it took a long time to work him back to himself. And by around 11 i was feeling a little disappointed that it seemed like another "school day" wasted.

BIG MISTAKE!!!

We read about Egypt and mummies. Did a huge amount of math problems. And at 3 (when i told Jul "school" is over) i asked if he wanted to watch some tv.

"No thank you, mommy, i'm reading to Clover."

And he was. I love the computer. He was reading stories from Starfall to her. The place is relatively tidy, i have done 2 loads of laundry.... today is a success.

this isnt really a post...

only, i just pulled one of my hairs out of Oakley's nose... Gross.

Joy is back

Last week Jul went away to camp. All week. He had a fabulous time!!! I was concerned that he wouldnt be able to sleep away the whole week. But he did. And everyone i talked to at the camp apparently really enjoyed Jul. They went bowling, made sleds out of cardboard, skated, made an igloo and had a talent show. ( Jul brake danced and sang Old MacDonald's Farm.) Having him home has been wonderful. I missed him.

This past weekend the stress in the house came to blows. Thomas and i had it out. And after, we went out for supper. (thanks to my mom who watched the kids.)

And thank you, everyone who has listened to me last week... This week is already looking so much better than last week... despite the broken window in the front door.

Enough

I am weary. I am tired of people telling me if i need to chat to call and them not listening. Instead they excuse behaviour. I am tired of lectures that i already have notes for. I am sick of the false sympathy and patronizing encouragement. I am exhausted of hearing "I am doing what I need to in order to (fill in the blank here)". It hurts that i am not included. I detest when people say its not about me, when really, it is. I hate that i am not enough. That i have never been enough. That other peoples love has greater value than a child's. I wish perception had nothing to do with it. That everyone could see it.

"Then they sat with him on the ground. Seven days and nights they sat there without saying a word. They could see how rotten he felt, how deeply he was suffering."

Right now i want this. I dont want to feel better. I just want people to agree that it sucks. I want people to listen and to not discount my pain.

In context

So, Here is that verse in context:

Nehemiah 8:9-11

9 Then Nehemiah the governor, Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who were instructing the people said to them all, "This day is sacred to the LORD your God. Do not mourn or weep." For all the people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law.
10 Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."
11 The Levites calmed all the people, saying, "Be still, for this is a sacred day. Do not grieve."