Monday, July 9, 2007

There is a place in my soul, deep down, that is dark. I dont talk about it. Its a place that i like to keep hidden away. Often i can keep it in check; under guard. But every once in a while it gets rubbed... and the cob webs are brushed away and it sees light.

I dont like this part of my soul. It is a part that i dont want. And no matter how i try to deal with it i cant seem to part with it. Sometimes i think i am free of it. But then something is said to me, or i over hear something, and i find that it isnt completely gone. Its a place that i dont like to give power to. And i, fortunately, wasnt born with this part.

I hate how this part comes out. It doesnt come out because i think about it. It comes out by another's actions towards me. Actions that make me questions my worth or value. I have had two such accounters this week. Or at least two that could have been. One left me feeling redeemed. While the other left me feeling shame. Not only about me and who i am, but about me as a parent and my child. Cruel.

Not only do i feel bad, but i feel like i deserve bad things to happen to me. But my child never does. My children and sweet and easily loveable.

And now, at almost midnight, when i have been awake for almost 20 hours, i feel better.

dark places that cant be navigated. Shame that isnt mine to carry. Does it balance out?

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