oh man...so cute

Jul: i want to be like Big Ruth, and play in the World Serial.

Jul: I'm going crazy like a horse!

Jul, after three consecutive hits in baseball: I'm stinging like a bumble bee!

Clover, while being put to bed (referring to the stuffed animal Thomas brought back from Gagetown for her): Daddy, i want giraffe; and not the bad giraffe!

Clover: I look so beautiful!!!

I love these little things that they say. there are several things that Jul still says that i haven't corrected because i think it is too cute...like Hangabers, instead of hamburgers. Clover says Augrest. SO CUTE!!

communities

the past few weeks i have been learning lots. I have listened to Brandon talk about how words can be blessings or they can be curses. I want to only speak blessings. This week i learned about God being transcendent and imminent.... at the same time. I think this speaks for what my heart has been saying to me for a while.


Now, obviously, both messages had more to them... but i have been hearing for a while that i need more substance from preaching... things that arent only relationship oriented. I get that part. And i need it. But i need blessings too.Like a tree... if i only grow roots, eventually i will die because there will be no leaves to catch sunlight to feed me... and if i only grow leaves, i cant collect water to transform the light into food. I need both.

I remember one Sunday Jared saying that he didnt want to feed us any longer, that he wanted us to grow to feed our selves. Right now i feel... stuck... not growing, and not dying. I desperately need pruning, and fertilizer... substance... i need to be clipped back and spoon fed a bit. My roots are reaching out more than my leaves can collect and parts of the roots are shriveling because of that...

Today for the first time in a very long time i feel light coming back. And there is something to be said about returning to our roots to feed them. i love my community at Rustle. I love how interconnected it is. And today i went to Bethel and was reminded of what grew on in my early christian life. For the first time in years i felt like i was on holy ground during worship. The food i was given to chew was enough for me to digest and nourish me for a while... so much to think about. Mainly because it was related to my relationship with God. And although we talk about that at Rustle, its about how Jesus reached out to others... But he too needed some time to be fed on god... (the forty days in the dessert).

I feel torn between my new community and my old, in a way i havent felt before. When we came back to kingston i thought i found something that would alway nourish me. And lately i feel like i have been starving. I can only feed myself so much. Partly because i can only grow so much food and prepare even less.

God help me find a balance between communities... both with You and with those you love.

so close. such a sweet smell. soft skin. quiet giggles. excited eyes. impatient nuzzling...

The chariots rise

Up high in the sky

What grace have I

To fall so in love

What a wonderful dream

It seems to be

'Cause I love him

Though I have waited long

And they have all been wrong

Now I find in the end

With him I need not pretend

The chariots They rise up high in the sky

What grace have I To fall so in love

What a wonderful dream

It seems to be

'Cause I love him

'Cause I love him
I wonder if i seem like this to God

ballet body

when i was in my early teens i wanted to dance for fun. i enjoyed ballet as a little child and wanted to do it again. so i called around for classes for myself. my parents neither encouraged or discouraged me. i found one place that i could take it... but they required a black leotard and pink tights.

ugh.

i was so insecure at that age and i thought i was so fat that there was no way i was ever going to be seen in around people wearing that. ....but i was also a swimmer at that age. and although i thought i was fat, i would wear a swim suit. but to me the difference was that i would be in the water where people couldnt see my body and if i wasnt, i was wrapped in a towel.

I look at my children and encourage them in every way i can to suggest that they are good they way they are. My parents had an opportunity to help build my self esteem up... not just on this occasion, but on many others... and didnt. My father especially. And really, the only time i feel actually good about my body is mid- to end of my pregnancies and right after i have had my babies. This is something that i dont want for my children. I dont want them to look in the mirror to see how beautiful they are. I want them just to know it.

I just need to figure out how to do that.

mms://a1568.v53949.c5319.g.vm.akamaistream.net/7/1568/5319/v001/nickcomstor.download.akamai.com/8604/nickelodeon/nickjr/video/assets/mywo_nomirrors/no_mirrors_hi.asf

Lately i have found that i have been extremely judgemental. I am aware that i am probably perceived as being this way, but when I look and or talk about people i am in wonder. Thursday we went to the sugar bush and i saw a guy i went to high school with who got his girlfriend pregnant. Old Jordin would have been happy to see him and wonder what his life is like now.... but this unknown jordin judged him... looked down on him. I didnt like how i felt. i told people about him in a way that old jordin wouldnt. Saturday night, old jordin came back. I sat and thought about him... there with his 4 children. I know he barely finished high school to work and support his family (when i finished he was married to her, and they had 3 children....) so... that means that he either took time off work to be there with his kids, or he had the day off and took them. What a good man and father. Still so involved with his family... and i think he is still married. ...married for about 13 years at age 30.

i like this part of old jordin

Sunday i listened to Al talk about changing our clothes. We tried to say yes to the kids every chance we got for a different day... they asked to get blueberry muffins from Tim Horton's. YES. I went in and was overwhelmed with joy and amusement because of the man serving us. Fred. Such joy he had working there. Obviously 'challenged' but truly gifted. He was loud but so happy....

Yesterday I prayed in earnest that my clothes become more comfortable. i know it wont be long before they change again. i would love to have them become comfortable at least for a few days. wear them until the become dirty. but that never seems to happen. Instead, i try to break them in, but find i revert to my old, comfy jeans that are ugly. i do want the new clothes. And i want to stay in them even when they are unbearably uncomfortable. stay in the robes of love, instead of the rags of rage.

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Help me, Lord, to wear the clothes that are fitting for you.

stuff

there is stuff everywhere. here, there... and over there. hidden in other stuff. boxes of stuff. baskets of stuff. magazines talking about more stuff. how to make your stuff look nicer. new stuff, or antique stuff. how to organize your stuff, how to minimize your stuff. telling you all about stuff you "need". baskets and closets to keep/hide your stuff in. shelves to put your stuff on. walls with stuff on it. basements to hide more stuff. stuff you sit on to make yourself more comfortable. places to buy more stuff, and for us to take our stuff hoping other people will want it instead of us. stuff we are holding onto because of memories, stuff we wish we could get rid of because of memories. more places for the stuff we dont want people to know we have. too much stuff. i am sick of looking at stuff.

Lent

I know i have had all year to think of something to give up for lent. But i have been having a hard time trying to make it something more meaningful than a delight. I want this sacrifice to be something that will help me grow in Christ and strengthen me as His.

I have not really finalized on anything. But my big thing right now is to not yell at my children in anger. It is very easy for me to raise my voice when the dont listen to me. I do it to get their attention, and it works. But at what expense? I see the hurt in their eyes and i dont want to be the cause of it. I know that there are better ways, but i havent found any to be effective. I use to get really quiet to get their attention. But in frustration or fear, the loudness comes out of me. I have already failed a few times at this. But not yelling is a true struggle for me. And i believe that i want this lent to help me grow.

Today Carolyn Butler spoke on Ephesians 3:

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

She said (and this is my interpretation) that God has many gifts for us, but we have to be the ones who look for it. That He has greater gifts to give than the ones we ask for... I want His riches to be abundant in my life... she also said about his riches being found in the Bible... that through His word i would be strengthened .... I want this. And part of what He has given me as a gift, that i asked for, were children. Why then would I not ask for the strength to care for them and love them the way He loves me?

Ecclesiastes:
"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools."

I am a fool. I get angry quickly with my children. I feel frustrated at them for not listening to me... It drives me nuts when they ignore me and disobey me. And instead of being patient like God is with me, i get angry. I dont want to crush their spirits. They have such sweet and loving ones... but i want to do what is right. I want to raise them to know God, to know right from wrong, to have integrity. And i think my first step is to not yell, which causes me to be more patient. If i cant yell, i have to take more time to be loving towards them in my correction.

It has not been easy. And i dont want it to be. I dont think Lent should be easy for me. Sacrificing food is easy. But my soul doesnt feel rededicated. This, giving up something that feeds my soul in a negative way is very hard. And i need to really rely on God for the strength to do it.

.... However, at the end of Lent, i hope not to take it back up again. I want to be changed.