the past few weeks i have been learning lots. I have listened to Brandon talk about how words can be blessings or they can be curses. I want to only speak blessings. This week i learned about God being transcendent and imminent.... at the same time. I think this speaks for what my heart has been saying to me for a while.
Now, obviously, both messages had more to them... but i have been hearing for a while that i need more substance from preaching... things that arent only relationship oriented. I get that part. And i need it. But i need blessings too.Like a tree... if i only grow roots, eventually i will die because there will be no leaves to catch sunlight to feed me... and if i only grow leaves, i cant collect water to transform the light into food. I need both.
I remember one Sunday Jared saying that he didnt want to feed us any longer, that he wanted us to grow to feed our selves. Right now i feel... stuck... not growing, and not dying. I desperately need pruning, and fertilizer... substance... i need to be clipped back and spoon fed a bit. My roots are reaching out more than my leaves can collect and parts of the roots are shriveling because of that...
Today for the first time in a very long time i feel light coming back. And there is something to be said about returning to our roots to feed them. i love my community at Rustle. I love how interconnected it is. And today i went to Bethel and was reminded of what grew on in my early christian life. For the first time in years i felt like i was on holy ground during worship. The food i was given to chew was enough for me to digest and nourish me for a while... so much to think about. Mainly because it was related to my relationship with God. And although we talk about that at Rustle, its about how Jesus reached out to others... But he too needed some time to be fed on god... (the forty days in the dessert).
I feel torn between my new community and my old, in a way i havent felt before. When we came back to kingston i thought i found something that would alway nourish me. And lately i feel like i have been starving. I can only feed myself so much. Partly because i can only grow so much food and prepare even less.
God help me find a balance between communities... both with You and with those you love.