Jul (singing): Old MacDonald had a farm Eei eei ooh!
And on that farm he had a baseball bat, eei eei ooh!
With a smackhead here... (stops singing) Smackhead?! HA!!! Smackhead!
Mommy (through snickers): Its not ok to smack people on the head with a baseball bat.
(But really, all i could think of is how funny it sounds to have a child work "smackhead" innocently into a song.... how do i quash creativity?)
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Nursing meals
I love watching Oakley eat. How peaceful and intimate it is to feed him by nursing. When do we lose that intimacy eating? And how do we get it back? How do i help facilitate a more nursing-like meal time for all my family?
When i feed Oakley i take time, and devote it to him (as much as possible). We sit together, look at each other, touch each other. I talk to him such sweet and loving words and in return he smiles milky smiles that allow the sweet nourishment that i create for him run from his mouth. We are embraced in such a tender way that cant be done at a table. Not physically anyways.
Baking for my family (and friends) creates something similar. I dont bake or consume baking for nourishment, but for the love. I pour love into my baking. When i am angry, i am reminded of the love and devotion i have for those in my life and the love pours out. Maybe meals arent as intimate because i dont do them for love. I do them out of necessity. When i have done cooking by pouring love out i have never had left overs. Everyone eats the love. One can feel the difference between the two. Just as Oakley feeds differently when i am calm and peaceful compaired to stressed and rushed, i have to assume the same can be said for my other children (and husband). I want to feed them love.
Hold them close and enjoy the meal.
When i feed Oakley i take time, and devote it to him (as much as possible). We sit together, look at each other, touch each other. I talk to him such sweet and loving words and in return he smiles milky smiles that allow the sweet nourishment that i create for him run from his mouth. We are embraced in such a tender way that cant be done at a table. Not physically anyways.
Baking for my family (and friends) creates something similar. I dont bake or consume baking for nourishment, but for the love. I pour love into my baking. When i am angry, i am reminded of the love and devotion i have for those in my life and the love pours out. Maybe meals arent as intimate because i dont do them for love. I do them out of necessity. When i have done cooking by pouring love out i have never had left overs. Everyone eats the love. One can feel the difference between the two. Just as Oakley feeds differently when i am calm and peaceful compaired to stressed and rushed, i have to assume the same can be said for my other children (and husband). I want to feed them love.
Hold them close and enjoy the meal.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Tithing
When i was a child i wanted to go to church. My Father would walk me and wait for me but never come in. My mother would at least join me inside.
Last night at WITH tithing was brought up. It brought back so many memories of me as a child taking money to church. I would feel so proud! I was giving to something bigger than myself. I desperately wanted something bigger than myself to hold onto. Coming from a very broken home I wanted to believe that there was something bigger than what i knew of love. Something that loved me no matter what. Something that i could give back to.
How i loved those little envelopes. My dollar might not have been much, but it felt like i belonged. Did i? Probably not. Outside the Sunday school teacher, i doubt anyone even knew my name. Did i belong to God? I really wanted to. I was "christened", but i didnt really know what that meant. To me, it meant that i could be a part of a community of God. That i would be His child if i just kept doing the right things. Going to church, obeying the commandments... keeping secrets.
But that envelope bought me peace and excitement. And i miss that child-like awareness that this, being able to give back to God, is so important. Not an obligation. But joy. Excitement. I try to bring my heart to God like a child. Excitely bouncing and running to my Father who has just returned home from work... And now i want to be reminded of that excitement of bring not just my heart, or cookies, but a gift that He will use to help others meet finacial neeeds. Whether it be our church building, or feeding the pastors and their families... or even our neighbours. I want that joy back.
I am going to reclaim it.
Last night at WITH tithing was brought up. It brought back so many memories of me as a child taking money to church. I would feel so proud! I was giving to something bigger than myself. I desperately wanted something bigger than myself to hold onto. Coming from a very broken home I wanted to believe that there was something bigger than what i knew of love. Something that loved me no matter what. Something that i could give back to.
How i loved those little envelopes. My dollar might not have been much, but it felt like i belonged. Did i? Probably not. Outside the Sunday school teacher, i doubt anyone even knew my name. Did i belong to God? I really wanted to. I was "christened", but i didnt really know what that meant. To me, it meant that i could be a part of a community of God. That i would be His child if i just kept doing the right things. Going to church, obeying the commandments... keeping secrets.
But that envelope bought me peace and excitement. And i miss that child-like awareness that this, being able to give back to God, is so important. Not an obligation. But joy. Excitement. I try to bring my heart to God like a child. Excitely bouncing and running to my Father who has just returned home from work... And now i want to be reminded of that excitement of bring not just my heart, or cookies, but a gift that He will use to help others meet finacial neeeds. Whether it be our church building, or feeding the pastors and their families... or even our neighbours. I want that joy back.
I am going to reclaim it.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
TV?
I have recently agreed to getting a new tv. Thomas has been looking at larger tv's. How large? Between 42" and 50". When we got our last tv for christmas about 5 years ago, i think i just about had Thomas convienced that we didnt need a tv at all. Then his mother got us the one we have. I was shocked and slightly disappointed. I was prepared and excited about not having one. So how do i feel about a jump from this tv to one substantially bigger? Slightly embarrassed. I am scared about what people are going to think when they walk into my house and see a room full of a huge tv. I like the cabinet that we have because we can hide or mask our tv and it's usage. But now everyone will be able to see how often we use it.
Then i got thinking. We enjoy sitting around watching old movies that we have seen a million times... and enjoy playing games together on it... So i need to accept that watching tv is a part of who we are. And i dont want to feel ashamed about watching it because our society is so divided about it... on one side of the spectrum, there are those who feel that it is a drug and the people who watch it are addicts, and the other who believe it is a harmless form of entertainment. I dont fall between the two; but more i agree with both. It can be an addiction, where people unplug their brains and use electronic media to mask their pain, and ignore their world... and used with moderation, at appropriate times, a tv can be a source of harmless entertainment.
Two weeks ago I banned all electronic media for Jul, who, like his father, is a junkie. It made such a difference in his attitude and how he interacted with all of us. He even noticed the difference and we now almost never watch tv during the day and rarely any computer. He and Clover play wonderfully or read together, Jul is wanting to help with housework and now when i do put the tv on or allow him some short computer time, he appreciates it more and relaxes differently.
And i'm glad that we started this. Because today (being Tuesday) SUCKED!!! Every Monday night Jul spends with my father.. and today i realized that what he needs when he comes back is to just be calm, unplug and be shown love differently. After watching tv all morning, i gave Jul a cookie. He felt it was too small and was furious in a way that can only happen on tuesday. I told myself whenever he started freaking out today i would hug him and tell him how much i love him... and when he crumpled the cookie and threw it into the garbage my instinct and initial reaction was to send him to his bedroom to rest for a little while. But i stuck to my resolve and hugged him. Jul said while i was holding him that he felt stupid and like people were calling him "stupid-head". If i hadnt let him just sit and watch tv, and hadnt held him i would have validated those feelings of him being stupid. But instead, i was able to listen and calm his negative feelings.
So as self conscious as i am about having a huge tv, i can remind myself that it has an off switch and i will use it often.
Oh yeah... and my husband IS an electronics junkie.
Then i got thinking. We enjoy sitting around watching old movies that we have seen a million times... and enjoy playing games together on it... So i need to accept that watching tv is a part of who we are. And i dont want to feel ashamed about watching it because our society is so divided about it... on one side of the spectrum, there are those who feel that it is a drug and the people who watch it are addicts, and the other who believe it is a harmless form of entertainment. I dont fall between the two; but more i agree with both. It can be an addiction, where people unplug their brains and use electronic media to mask their pain, and ignore their world... and used with moderation, at appropriate times, a tv can be a source of harmless entertainment.
Two weeks ago I banned all electronic media for Jul, who, like his father, is a junkie. It made such a difference in his attitude and how he interacted with all of us. He even noticed the difference and we now almost never watch tv during the day and rarely any computer. He and Clover play wonderfully or read together, Jul is wanting to help with housework and now when i do put the tv on or allow him some short computer time, he appreciates it more and relaxes differently.
And i'm glad that we started this. Because today (being Tuesday) SUCKED!!! Every Monday night Jul spends with my father.. and today i realized that what he needs when he comes back is to just be calm, unplug and be shown love differently. After watching tv all morning, i gave Jul a cookie. He felt it was too small and was furious in a way that can only happen on tuesday. I told myself whenever he started freaking out today i would hug him and tell him how much i love him... and when he crumpled the cookie and threw it into the garbage my instinct and initial reaction was to send him to his bedroom to rest for a little while. But i stuck to my resolve and hugged him. Jul said while i was holding him that he felt stupid and like people were calling him "stupid-head". If i hadnt let him just sit and watch tv, and hadnt held him i would have validated those feelings of him being stupid. But instead, i was able to listen and calm his negative feelings.
So as self conscious as i am about having a huge tv, i can remind myself that it has an off switch and i will use it often.
Oh yeah... and my husband IS an electronics junkie.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Dont Speak
Seven years ago Thomas and i started on the road to parenthood. We went to a clinic and got pregnant really fast. I was thinking back on that time that i had, just pregnant, not working... All day long Thomas and i would send emails to each other... "I love you" perpetually repeating itself; "I miss you"; and some more intimate things. I thought about this for a while. How i miss getting those little notes of passion and devotion from each other.
When did it stop? At some point when i was barely functioning as a new-ish mother. Thats probably why they stopped too.
So i sent one off today... i still have all those feelings for my husband, and so much more! In the past 5 or so months i have learned so much about myself. About the level of love and devotion that i have for Thomas. And how i have changed in the many years we have been together. When Thomas first joined the army i was left scared and very lonely. It was hard for me to be alone. But i didnt know how to allow God into my life in the way that Thomas was. They were so seperate in my life in some ways it was like oil and water. One day while writing out what i was praying they mixed. And it scared me so much that i didnt know how to make them seperate again fast enough. This time, while Thomas was gone, it all of a sudden clicked. I didnt feel the same kind of loneliness i had the first time. In fact, in some ways i valued that alone time. Time with God in a very silent way. That wonderful unspeakable love.
I cant wait for Thomas and i to be alone tonight. And i cant wait to share that silence with him.
When did it stop? At some point when i was barely functioning as a new-ish mother. Thats probably why they stopped too.
So i sent one off today... i still have all those feelings for my husband, and so much more! In the past 5 or so months i have learned so much about myself. About the level of love and devotion that i have for Thomas. And how i have changed in the many years we have been together. When Thomas first joined the army i was left scared and very lonely. It was hard for me to be alone. But i didnt know how to allow God into my life in the way that Thomas was. They were so seperate in my life in some ways it was like oil and water. One day while writing out what i was praying they mixed. And it scared me so much that i didnt know how to make them seperate again fast enough. This time, while Thomas was gone, it all of a sudden clicked. I didnt feel the same kind of loneliness i had the first time. In fact, in some ways i valued that alone time. Time with God in a very silent way. That wonderful unspeakable love.
I cant wait for Thomas and i to be alone tonight. And i cant wait to share that silence with him.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
The Perfect Birth
When I imagined the birth of Oakley I pictured us (the people i wanted at the birth) in the living room, having a fun time, looking radiant (like how the women in "Spiritual Midwivery" are discribed), and me feeling a beautiful baby exit my body... then having the baby laid on my chest and nursing the perfect little person and enjoying all that I had done with my friends and wonderful husband.
This isnt what happened. Pretty far from it, in fact.
After spending my 9th anniversary in the hospital, alone, being induced, I got to wake up to have my water broken. But I did get to wait for Thomas to be there. Then Rachel showed up and we were rolling. Not the labour, but us... walking around the floor desperately trying to have contractions start on their own. But they didn't. Instead, we broke the final rule that Thomas was standing by and that was to be induced by oxytocin. And so the contractions started. I felt so excited to have things under way... and so excited to have Cathy there to join us.
I loved being in labour. I loved how it felt to have these productive contrations that were working my baby into position to be born. We were just hanging out and laughing like we always do when we are together... only I was naked. I loved that when I got into the shower, they were right there with me, laughing and enjoying themselves too. The energy that my body was putting out due to the drugs amazed me. And I was even more amazed by how comforting it was to lay my head against Thomas while in the shower. I really wanted to feel like it was just Thomas and I, and the rest of the world was far, far away. And it was! It was so peaceful and lovely, and I know Cathy and Rachel facilitate that.
Through it all I was (and am) so grateful that Rachel and Cathy were there to support Thomas as much as me. While in the shower, resting on Thomas' chest, he started talking to Cathy. I was shocked by how his voice resinated, and how furious it made me feel... yet, when he talked o me during a contration it felt like energy. Pure, glowing energy.
Unfortunately, the contractions started to hurt more in my incision. And after trying to labour without oxytocin, and them still hurting it was decided that another cesarean was in order. In between the time that we decided that and Thomas getting dressed into scrubs I was wondering if I was just being a chicken and cowarding out of labour because the contractions were easier again and not nearly as painful. But when Thomas got back, I had the worst contraction and felt very scared because it hurt so much on the scar tissue.
I felt even more scared in the operating room (eventhough Heather, our midwife, was there). But those feelings disappeared when Thomas came in and said everything was alright... telling me I looked beautiful... and then I was able to feel the true atmosphere of the room... Calm, joyful and anticipating the exciting arrival of the baby. I could feel everything... like when ones foot falls asleep, all the pressure, but no real sensations. And his head emerged, crying. As soon as I heard his little voice I couldnt stop myself from crying. Thomas held him close to my face, and he was perfect. Thomas gave me a little kiss with his mask on. I had stopped feeling beautiful when we said I should have the surgery, but I have never felt more beautiful than when Thomas held him close to mmy face and Thomas looked us both over.
As soon as we were able to leave the OR and be moved, we started nursing. Heather held Oakley to my breast for me (i was numb from the ribs down and couldnt position my body to hold him properly the way I was laying) and he nursed like he had done it before a million times. Heather and I laughed at how quickly he latched as we got him only close to my nipple.
So, eventhough some would say i didnt get exactly what I wanted, I would argue with them. I got everything i wanted. And it was perfect. Absolutely perfect.
This isnt what happened. Pretty far from it, in fact.
After spending my 9th anniversary in the hospital, alone, being induced, I got to wake up to have my water broken. But I did get to wait for Thomas to be there. Then Rachel showed up and we were rolling. Not the labour, but us... walking around the floor desperately trying to have contractions start on their own. But they didn't. Instead, we broke the final rule that Thomas was standing by and that was to be induced by oxytocin. And so the contractions started. I felt so excited to have things under way... and so excited to have Cathy there to join us.
I loved being in labour. I loved how it felt to have these productive contrations that were working my baby into position to be born. We were just hanging out and laughing like we always do when we are together... only I was naked. I loved that when I got into the shower, they were right there with me, laughing and enjoying themselves too. The energy that my body was putting out due to the drugs amazed me. And I was even more amazed by how comforting it was to lay my head against Thomas while in the shower. I really wanted to feel like it was just Thomas and I, and the rest of the world was far, far away. And it was! It was so peaceful and lovely, and I know Cathy and Rachel facilitate that.
Through it all I was (and am) so grateful that Rachel and Cathy were there to support Thomas as much as me. While in the shower, resting on Thomas' chest, he started talking to Cathy. I was shocked by how his voice resinated, and how furious it made me feel... yet, when he talked o me during a contration it felt like energy. Pure, glowing energy.
Unfortunately, the contractions started to hurt more in my incision. And after trying to labour without oxytocin, and them still hurting it was decided that another cesarean was in order. In between the time that we decided that and Thomas getting dressed into scrubs I was wondering if I was just being a chicken and cowarding out of labour because the contractions were easier again and not nearly as painful. But when Thomas got back, I had the worst contraction and felt very scared because it hurt so much on the scar tissue.
I felt even more scared in the operating room (eventhough Heather, our midwife, was there). But those feelings disappeared when Thomas came in and said everything was alright... telling me I looked beautiful... and then I was able to feel the true atmosphere of the room... Calm, joyful and anticipating the exciting arrival of the baby. I could feel everything... like when ones foot falls asleep, all the pressure, but no real sensations. And his head emerged, crying. As soon as I heard his little voice I couldnt stop myself from crying. Thomas held him close to my face, and he was perfect. Thomas gave me a little kiss with his mask on. I had stopped feeling beautiful when we said I should have the surgery, but I have never felt more beautiful than when Thomas held him close to mmy face and Thomas looked us both over.
As soon as we were able to leave the OR and be moved, we started nursing. Heather held Oakley to my breast for me (i was numb from the ribs down and couldnt position my body to hold him properly the way I was laying) and he nursed like he had done it before a million times. Heather and I laughed at how quickly he latched as we got him only close to my nipple.
So, eventhough some would say i didnt get exactly what I wanted, I would argue with them. I got everything i wanted. And it was perfect. Absolutely perfect.
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