When i was a child i wanted to go to church. My Father would walk me and wait for me but never come in. My mother would at least join me inside.
Last night at WITH tithing was brought up. It brought back so many memories of me as a child taking money to church. I would feel so proud! I was giving to something bigger than myself. I desperately wanted something bigger than myself to hold onto. Coming from a very broken home I wanted to believe that there was something bigger than what i knew of love. Something that loved me no matter what. Something that i could give back to.
How i loved those little envelopes. My dollar might not have been much, but it felt like i belonged. Did i? Probably not. Outside the Sunday school teacher, i doubt anyone even knew my name. Did i belong to God? I really wanted to. I was "christened", but i didnt really know what that meant. To me, it meant that i could be a part of a community of God. That i would be His child if i just kept doing the right things. Going to church, obeying the commandments... keeping secrets.
But that envelope bought me peace and excitement. And i miss that child-like awareness that this, being able to give back to God, is so important. Not an obligation. But joy. Excitement. I try to bring my heart to God like a child. Excitely bouncing and running to my Father who has just returned home from work... And now i want to be reminded of that excitement of bring not just my heart, or cookies, but a gift that He will use to help others meet finacial neeeds. Whether it be our church building, or feeding the pastors and their families... or even our neighbours. I want that joy back.
I am going to reclaim it.