As we started our breakfast, it started to rain...

i was not about to let the rain get us down.
he really liked being outside
pee break
SPLASH!
all our boots How do they know!?
Very full boot...

Lots of fun!!!

blueberries + raspberries=

Black poop.

As Oakley yelled at me from his room, while he was supposed to be napping, it could only mean one thing:

He pooped.

and it wasnt pretty. it was BLACK!!!! with little balls in it... i was quite worried at first. until i deciphered what they were... blueberries. Whole.

Yuck.

Black Oaks

Okay, not one can write a symphony, or a dictionary,

or even a letter to an old friend, full of remembrance and comfort.

Not one can manage a single sound though the blue jays carp and whistle all day in the branches, without the push of the wind.

But to tell the truth after a while I'm pale with longing for their thick bodies ruckled with lichen

and you can't keep me from the woods, from the

tonnage of their shoulders, and their shining green hair.

Today is a day like any other: twenty-four hours, a little sunshine, a little rain.

Listen, says ambition, nervously shifting her weight fromone boot to another -- why don't you get going?

For there I am, in the mossy shadows, under the trees.

And to tell the truth I don't want to let go of the wrists of idleness,

I don't want to sell my life for money,

I don't even want to come in out of the rain.

~ Mary Oliver

I love this. and i would go as far to say i grasp desperately at the "wrists of idleness". I am not lazy... but i do love the slow, calm, serene days that i have. And no amount of money could get me to stop what it is that i do.

well... i always knew i was different from other girls... But it became painfully clear this evening after playing softball. I got into a conversation about UFC and about the big match coming up. Oh man i am so excited. I was saying i dont know who to cheer for...

I sit and knit while watching two grown men beat each other up... and i love it!!! JULY 5th!!!! yeah!!!


i think i will cheer for Forrest.

A response to Michelle's comment

"Now, there are still people involved with each of these organization that i would rather not have around me, all i can do is try not to allow how i feel about them affect how i treat them, or i try not to allow the things they say to influence how i feel about myself."

I, personally, have a harder time with the second part of that paragraph. I am incredibly sensitive, and easily hurt, despite how secure (and slightly defensive) i come off. And i think a lot of my response is because i dont want people to know how easily hurt i am.

I use to say: never cry in front of the one that hurt you, because you dont want them to know that they can hurt you. Because of that i am now overly defense. And i always found it interesting that people would tell me how open i am, or how "real" i am. I think people mistake my honesty for intimacy. That i allow them into my inner sanctum of who i am. But what i am doing is just being honest. I say things that others might not. They may think them, but never say them.

This can cause problems with people who misinterpret what i am saying. Sometimes what i say is perceived in a way that i didnt intend for it to be taken. It is the people who ask and call me on what i am say that i want to surround myself with. And it's the ones who keep their comments or questions to themselves that hurt me the most. Their 'silence' makes me question myself and makes the feel like i am not good enough, or even worse, that i am a bad person and a bad parent. I dont think am i either. I feel successful in my parenting and in my life.

I try hard to be careful. And i dont want to be so sensitive. But i am who i am, and i think part of my sensitivity helps me be more compassionate. I want to be known for that: my love and compassion.

seclution

Today at PEG we talked about how do we decide who influences our children. Or at least that is what we were supposed to talk about. I didnt plan on leading it so i didnt prepare any questions. However, i ended up trying. But it did get me thinking, how so i decide. Or do i decide at all.

This can be especially difficult with family. And i find that with people who are negative regarding homeschooling in suggesting that my children will never learn how to interact with people that they might have difficulties with. And really, i would love to meet a family that doesnt have at least one difficult member! You cant avoid family entirely. But i do limit time with them or I alter my level of supervision.

I can do my best regarding certain children. But i cant avoid them all together. And, in fact, all i can do when they are around is remind Jul how i want him to play. This happened very recently. And i was very proud of how Jul responded!

Then there is the fact that i home educate. There are a few organizations that i can get involved with, but i choose not to. I think i will look into them, but i feel right now, where we are, at this time, i dont want to make myself more busy. And, then i have to decide how i want to be involved. Or more, who i want to be involved with within these organizations. Right now, i am happy with what organizations (such as PEG, YBA, Rustle and baseball) we are involved with.

Now, there are still people involved with each of these organization that i would rather not have around me, all i can do is try not to allow how i feel about them affect how i treat them, or i try not to allow the things they say to influence how i feel about myself.

I want to be a good influence. I try really hard to be a good influence on my children, and to others around me. Because, in the end, i am the one who will influence my children the most.

I have been so excited lately. I have been loving almost every aspect of life lately. Yet, i have been unable to post. Why? I think partly because my mind goes blank whenever i try to write something. And partly because i feel i give an inaccurate view of what my life is like. I hate reading blogs that only show the pretty part of their life. I want to give the whole picture of what my life is like. Only lately, my life has felt incredibly insane!!! On course, finished course, bumped from course, on course again. On the ball, dropping the ball, learning, forgetting, happy and excited, frustrated and disappointed.

I have felt only slightly overwhelmed lately. But my brain doesnt seem fully functional, as Jul would say: 'i forgot my brain'.

It amazes me how much Thomas affects our home life when he isnt even around!! But everything truly revolves around him. And it makes sense, we are a unit.

My two youngest have only been awake for 1 hour and 1/2, respectively, and i am so glad that i didnt rush out the door, seeing as it has started to rain.

I have been neglectful.

My mind has been a blur.

There is so much going on, so much i am excited about. So many things i have been proud of accomplishing. So many things i want to share, but can never remember when i come and sit to write.

But what i have noticed, i am most coherent in the few minutes before i fall asleep. I think that is because i have settled down, and my brain isnt in over drive and able to verbalize in a calm and thoughtful manner.

Here is today though:

• weeks of calm and functional education at home
• waiting, not so patiently, regarding Thomas' course
• disappointment in my extended family
• joy in watching the children

Sorry there isnt more to this... just a slow reintegration back into sharing!