unfinished... but unsure how to complete this thought

I love these days. They are full of laughter and delight! They are slow but busy, with me being distracted from my other duties. Sunny days riding bikes, playing at parks... long road trips where we end up where we started. Hours upon hours saying be nice, love each other. Changing wet clothes and diapers. Reminders of picking things up. Making yummy meals. Watching my kids enjoy playing games that i do not understand. Silent laughs while watching the kids vacuum.

I have been on hiatus from wondering if i am doing enough. Or what my plan is for September for Jul. I have been trying to focus on what is really important, what they truly need. And i think i have thought of a few things that help me remember kids need:

• purposeful work... Jul likes to vacuum and Clover likes to help put dishes in the dishwasher.
• to play imaginary games ( i will be posting more on this in a few more weeks)
• inspiring things; to show them, and for them to create
• wonderful books.. and not just the ones i find wonderful, but ones that spark their imagination
• things to make them wonder... ideas that make them ask questions and discover answers
• Grandparents (sorry to those who didnt have any as kids)
• prayer; lots and lots of prayer

And i find that only sometimes do i have to facilitate these. They find them all on their own, if i dont interfere. That is sometimes very hard to do. Partly because i may not like what they are doing, but they do... and because i think it is important for them to be allowed to play and do things without adults, specifically, moms and dads. But i also find that i dont know where to begin or how to enjoy it all. They have so much love inside them, and so little hurt. They have a more direct connection with God and such a great understanding of Him.

Nursery Rhymes

We dont really sing nursery rhymes to the kids... I just never think to. We sing all sorts of other songs. Jul's favourite song is 'Here I Am' by Emmy Lou Harris. It use to be a common song sang at Next, not so much at Rustle. And for whatever reason i am really enjoying the Dead Kennedys. I dont know too many kids who know almost all the words to 'California Uber Alles'. I say almost because Jul was singing it "California Manitoba".

Jul is fascinated by music. He has a real electric guitar and makes songs up frequently. Mainly about dinosaurs.

But, the other day, Thomas and Jul are driving down the street and they are listening to some 90's alt/rock mix and 'Shoots and Ladders' comes on by KORN, they are enjoying it and Jul is singing right along. When the song ends Jul says: "Thats a really good song Daddy, that should be a kids song."

Maybe i should sing more nursery rhymes... or at least more conventional songs to my kids.

There are little things that i dont want to miss, that i tuck away for save keeping in my memory bank. Little smiles that are given when ever Oakley looks at me. The way his fingers press into my body when he nurses. How soft his little mouth is. The bright and sweet nasally voice of Clover saying "I love you". How it warms my heart to know she says it to Jul, often first. Watching how eager Jul is to please everyone... how he loves deeper than i could have ever hoped from a child. He is so in tune with peoples emotions and reaction. How the two older ones adore their baby so much. And even though i dont get much sleep right now, all these little moments help me remember that it is well worth it.

There is a place in my soul, deep down, that is dark. I dont talk about it. Its a place that i like to keep hidden away. Often i can keep it in check; under guard. But every once in a while it gets rubbed... and the cob webs are brushed away and it sees light.

I dont like this part of my soul. It is a part that i dont want. And no matter how i try to deal with it i cant seem to part with it. Sometimes i think i am free of it. But then something is said to me, or i over hear something, and i find that it isnt completely gone. Its a place that i dont like to give power to. And i, fortunately, wasnt born with this part.

I hate how this part comes out. It doesnt come out because i think about it. It comes out by another's actions towards me. Actions that make me questions my worth or value. I have had two such accounters this week. Or at least two that could have been. One left me feeling redeemed. While the other left me feeling shame. Not only about me and who i am, but about me as a parent and my child. Cruel.

Not only do i feel bad, but i feel like i deserve bad things to happen to me. But my child never does. My children and sweet and easily loveable.

And now, at almost midnight, when i have been awake for almost 20 hours, i feel better.

dark places that cant be navigated. Shame that isnt mine to carry. Does it balance out?