selfish

I pray and wait... then pray again and wait longer. And it seems to be a vicious cycle. Yet, when a prayer is answered, i seem to forget the most important part. The prayer is answered and i dont praise God for the response. Instead, i complain that it isnt answered the way i wanted, or worse, i dont acknowledge it at all and move on to the next request.

Right now i want to stop and count my blessings:

• my husband
• my mom
• Jul
• Clover
• Clover staying with us
• Oakley
• my sister
• my father
• my dear friends
• my children's friends
• my home
• my church
• my community

For about a year now i have been annoyed with God that someone special to me was in a bad relationship. I prayed and was so desperately annoyed with this person that they couldnt see how bad it was. Then i found out that it was worse and that my friend hadnt been telling me the whole truth about it. My friend left the relationship and i told this to another friend and he said, "so that is how God is answering your prayer". I didnt give credit where it was due. Instead i moved on to the next part. I said that now we need to pray that everything gets worked out.

Last night we got together with an old friend of Thomas's and his wife. i love this guy! He is wonderful and since we last saw him he found a lovely lady, became christian and married her!!! (insert praise here!) As we talked about our family, we said about our adoption... and our third miracle baby. Thomas's friend asked if we already had a miracle baby, doesnt that mean that the following baby isnt a miracle? For the record: all children are miracles!!! And i dont forget that about my own!!! Having more than one 'miracle baby' doesnt take away from it being a miracle! The opposite is true: they are even more miraculous! That God would bless me indeed!! That God would honour my prayers with more children is so humbling... especially since i dont always give him the recognition that He deserves.

Today i am going to stop and just thank God that he loves me and that He does answer prayer. I am not going to move on to the next request or the next part of the prayer. I am going to remember that he does answer prayers.

Thank you, LORD, even when i havent noticed, You have been there. And i greatly praise You!!!

Ending

Thomas goes back to work on Monday. I cant believe that eight and a half months have gone by already. We have had so much fun together! I love spending time with Thomas and hate to see him return to work.

I'm curious how smooth his return will be... how destroyed the house will be while he is gone. And we hope that Thomas will be on course this feb., which means he needs to use the rest of his leave before it starts.

I cherish this time we had together. I'm sure that it will be a time that i look back on with much fondness as i get on in years. This time will always bring me joy.

EDITED ON JAN 21: Today Thomas got his posting message; he is loaded on the course starting Feb. 20th!!!!

Before Christmas, my mom took the kids and i to see 'The Best Christmas Pageant Ever'. I have always wanted to see it. It was wonderful. I cried in the beginning in anticipation! At the end, however, there was a few people sitting beside us and they stood waiting for us to move for them to walk down the aisle, despite the fact that they could use the other side (they sat in the centre, so either way would have worked for them). I was so frustrated!!! I was trying to dress three children into their winter gear and they just stood there, impatiently waiting. So, i was going to make them wait. I figured that if they cant walk around i wasnt going to make my life more difficult. Then my mom pipes up; "oh, sorry", and starts moving! Once they left i said that i wasnt going to move for them. She smiled and said that she knew i wasnt.

Hmmp...not very gracious of me. this is where i am going to focus on now. With much help from God.

A Very Merry Christmas!!!

this has been the best Christmas season EVER!!! Thomas, the kids and i have had (with the exception of one outing) very little stress and have really enjoyed each others company.

With this time of Jesus' birth, i have been trying to give the gift of love and laughter. We have been laughing lots and showing much love. But for the most part here are some of the funniest things i have encountered this holiday:

deko boko friends: The Prince Egg; when he gets angry his egg hat boils and the shell breaks. he then cleans up the shell and briskly walks away, taking little steps.

Clover referred to herself in the third person: Thomas said "Clover does this and Daddy does that." Clover replied: "no, Daddy does this and Clover does that!"

Oakley is the first grandchild to like Thomas dad... Oakley wouldnt let Ted put him down. And, this evening with my dad he was in hysterics while my dad held him and chased clover. His giggling and smiling face was too funny.

Jul has been going out of his way to make us laugh. Just listening to him laugh usually gets me laughing with him. Last night i was trying to get him in trouble and no matter what i said or did, he just laugh uncontrollably. Both Thomas and i couldnt keep a straight face. He has such a sweet disposition and a joyful heart.

I cannot remember such a wonderful Christmas!!!

Just after Hallowe'en we got a cd by Gerry Mitchell and it is well loved in our house. He does a rendition of "How much is that doggy in the window" and the last verse is "how much is that trainer in the window". While listening to in it in the car Clover had been making all the animal noises to match the animal... but what sound does a trainer make?

"CHOO CHOO!!"

Mute

I often have so much to say. I think about what i want to post. I get it all written out in my head and as soon as i sit down, there is nothing. my head goes blank. I wish i could just sit down and write when i think about it, but really, i often am in bed or in the bath... or nursing.

And to make matters worse, the ones i write in my head are quite beautiful... at least in my head.

Kids

My kids evoke such different emotions from me. I know that i felt the same way about them at the same ages, and i love them all so very much. But i do feel concerned. I have been trying hard lately to feel about all the kids the way i do about Oakley. For Oakley i feel completely in
love with Oakley. And i do feel this for Jul and Clover. Thankfully i can recognize that it mainly has to do with the fact that he is a baby. He needs me completely, and his needs are easy to fill.

When i look at Jul i feel such pride. I am so incredibly proud of who he is. And i am so honoured to watch him grow, that i get to be a part of his life and influence him in growing into the man God has planned excites me. Jul has such a sweet and tender spirit. I feel so blessed that God allowed me to be his mother. He is our precious jewel.

When i look at Clover i feel compassion and fear. She started life with so many strikes against her. I just want to protect her from any more pain she might ever come have. I want to fix all that hurt her in the first 18 months of life. My other kids i know so well and Clover is a mystery to me and i am loving discovering all about her. Also, she scares me. She, unlike the others, has such anger, i am pretty sure comes from the torment that the CAS put her through. Although she is not an angry child, she has anger and fear towards certain people for no reason. People dont think that babies know anything. Those people are so incredibly wrong!! The name "Clover" suits her, she is amazingly sweet. OH man, i love her so much. She is our special gift.


Oakley and i are in sync. Completely. I know exactly whats going on with him at all times. I feel really bad for Thomas because i can tell by each little sound or look what he wants. We communicate very clearly. I knew him before he was born. I knew with complete confidence what his personality was going to be like. And i havent been wrong. It amazes and frustrates Thomas. How i wish he wouldnt grow up so quickly!!! He is our answer to prayer.


I am so grateful that i have these precious little children in my life. And i pray that i parent them with gentleness and grace. I know i fail at this often. But i think when it really counts, i do it well.