Friday, November 16, 2007


My kids evoke such different emotions from me. I know that i felt the same way about them at the same ages, and i love them all so very much. But i do feel concerned. I have been trying hard lately to feel about all the kids the way i do about Oakley. For Oakley i feel completely in
love with Oakley. And i do feel this for Jul and Clover. Thankfully i can recognize that it mainly has to do with the fact that he is a baby. He needs me completely, and his needs are easy to fill.

When i look at Jul i feel such pride. I am so incredibly proud of who he is. And i am so honoured to watch him grow, that i get to be a part of his life and influence him in growing into the man God has planned excites me. Jul has such a sweet and tender spirit. I feel so blessed that God allowed me to be his mother. He is our precious jewel.

When i look at Clover i feel compassion and fear. She started life with so many strikes against her. I just want to protect her from any more pain she might ever come have. I want to fix all that hurt her in the first 18 months of life. My other kids i know so well and Clover is a mystery to me and i am loving discovering all about her. Also, she scares me. She, unlike the others, has such anger, i am pretty sure comes from the torment that the CAS put her through. Although she is not an angry child, she has anger and fear towards certain people for no reason. People dont think that babies know anything. Those people are so incredibly wrong!! The name "Clover" suits her, she is amazingly sweet. OH man, i love her so much. She is our special gift.

Oakley and i are in sync. Completely. I know exactly whats going on with him at all times. I feel really bad for Thomas because i can tell by each little sound or look what he wants. We communicate very clearly. I knew him before he was born. I knew with complete confidence what his personality was going to be like. And i havent been wrong. It amazes and frustrates Thomas. How i wish he wouldnt grow up so quickly!!! He is our answer to prayer.

I am so grateful that i have these precious little children in my life. And i pray that i parent them with gentleness and grace. I know i fail at this often. But i think when it really counts, i do it well.

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