when i was in my early teens i wanted to dance for fun. i enjoyed ballet as a little child and wanted to do it again. so i called around for classes for myself. my parents neither encouraged or discouraged me. i found one place that i could take it... but they required a black leotard and pink tights.
ugh.
i was so insecure at that age and i thought i was so fat that there was no way i was ever going to be seen in around people wearing that. ....but i was also a swimmer at that age. and although i thought i was fat, i would wear a swim suit. but to me the difference was that i would be in the water where people couldnt see my body and if i wasnt, i was wrapped in a towel.
I look at my children and encourage them in every way i can to suggest that they are good they way they are. My parents had an opportunity to help build my self esteem up... not just on this occasion, but on many others... and didnt. My father especially. And really, the only time i feel actually good about my body is mid- to end of my pregnancies and right after i have had my babies. This is something that i dont want for my children. I dont want them to look in the mirror to see how beautiful they are. I want them just to know it.
I just need to figure out how to do that.
mms://a1568.v53949.c5319.g.vm.akamaistream.net/7/1568/5319/v001/nickcomstor.download.akamai.com/8604/nickelodeon/nickjr/video/assets/mywo_nomirrors/no_mirrors_hi.asf
Monday, March 26, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Lately i have found that i have been extremely judgemental. I am aware that i am probably perceived as being this way, but when I look and or talk about people i am in wonder. Thursday we went to the sugar bush and i saw a guy i went to high school with who got his girlfriend pregnant. Old Jordin would have been happy to see him and wonder what his life is like now.... but this unknown jordin judged him... looked down on him. I didnt like how i felt. i told people about him in a way that old jordin wouldnt. Saturday night, old jordin came back. I sat and thought about him... there with his 4 children. I know he barely finished high school to work and support his family (when i finished he was married to her, and they had 3 children....) so... that means that he either took time off work to be there with his kids, or he had the day off and took them. What a good man and father. Still so involved with his family... and i think he is still married. ...married for about 13 years at age 30.
i like this part of old jordin
Sunday i listened to Al talk about changing our clothes. We tried to say yes to the kids every chance we got for a different day... they asked to get blueberry muffins from Tim Horton's. YES. I went in and was overwhelmed with joy and amusement because of the man serving us. Fred. Such joy he had working there. Obviously 'challenged' but truly gifted. He was loud but so happy....
Yesterday I prayed in earnest that my clothes become more comfortable. i know it wont be long before they change again. i would love to have them become comfortable at least for a few days. wear them until the become dirty. but that never seems to happen. Instead, i try to break them in, but find i revert to my old, comfy jeans that are ugly. i do want the new clothes. And i want to stay in them even when they are unbearably uncomfortable. stay in the robes of love, instead of the rags of rage.
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Help me, Lord, to wear the clothes that are fitting for you.
i like this part of old jordin
Sunday i listened to Al talk about changing our clothes. We tried to say yes to the kids every chance we got for a different day... they asked to get blueberry muffins from Tim Horton's. YES. I went in and was overwhelmed with joy and amusement because of the man serving us. Fred. Such joy he had working there. Obviously 'challenged' but truly gifted. He was loud but so happy....
Yesterday I prayed in earnest that my clothes become more comfortable. i know it wont be long before they change again. i would love to have them become comfortable at least for a few days. wear them until the become dirty. but that never seems to happen. Instead, i try to break them in, but find i revert to my old, comfy jeans that are ugly. i do want the new clothes. And i want to stay in them even when they are unbearably uncomfortable. stay in the robes of love, instead of the rags of rage.
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Help me, Lord, to wear the clothes that are fitting for you.
Monday, March 12, 2007
stuff
there is stuff everywhere. here, there... and over there. hidden in other stuff. boxes of stuff. baskets of stuff. magazines talking about more stuff. how to make your stuff look nicer. new stuff, or antique stuff. how to organize your stuff, how to minimize your stuff. telling you all about stuff you "need". baskets and closets to keep/hide your stuff in. shelves to put your stuff on. walls with stuff on it. basements to hide more stuff. stuff you sit on to make yourself more comfortable. places to buy more stuff, and for us to take our stuff hoping other people will want it instead of us. stuff we are holding onto because of memories, stuff we wish we could get rid of because of memories. more places for the stuff we dont want people to know we have. too much stuff. i am sick of looking at stuff.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Lent
I know i have had all year to think of something to give up for lent. But i have been having a hard time trying to make it something more meaningful than a delight. I want this sacrifice to be something that will help me grow in Christ and strengthen me as His.
I have not really finalized on anything. But my big thing right now is to not yell at my children in anger. It is very easy for me to raise my voice when the dont listen to me. I do it to get their attention, and it works. But at what expense? I see the hurt in their eyes and i dont want to be the cause of it. I know that there are better ways, but i havent found any to be effective. I use to get really quiet to get their attention. But in frustration or fear, the loudness comes out of me. I have already failed a few times at this. But not yelling is a true struggle for me. And i believe that i want this lent to help me grow.
Today Carolyn Butler spoke on Ephesians 3:
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
She said (and this is my interpretation) that God has many gifts for us, but we have to be the ones who look for it. That He has greater gifts to give than the ones we ask for... I want His riches to be abundant in my life... she also said about his riches being found in the Bible... that through His word i would be strengthened .... I want this. And part of what He has given me as a gift, that i asked for, were children. Why then would I not ask for the strength to care for them and love them the way He loves me?
Ecclesiastes:
"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools."
I am a fool. I get angry quickly with my children. I feel frustrated at them for not listening to me... It drives me nuts when they ignore me and disobey me. And instead of being patient like God is with me, i get angry. I dont want to crush their spirits. They have such sweet and loving ones... but i want to do what is right. I want to raise them to know God, to know right from wrong, to have integrity. And i think my first step is to not yell, which causes me to be more patient. If i cant yell, i have to take more time to be loving towards them in my correction.
It has not been easy. And i dont want it to be. I dont think Lent should be easy for me. Sacrificing food is easy. But my soul doesnt feel rededicated. This, giving up something that feeds my soul in a negative way is very hard. And i need to really rely on God for the strength to do it.
.... However, at the end of Lent, i hope not to take it back up again. I want to be changed.
I have not really finalized on anything. But my big thing right now is to not yell at my children in anger. It is very easy for me to raise my voice when the dont listen to me. I do it to get their attention, and it works. But at what expense? I see the hurt in their eyes and i dont want to be the cause of it. I know that there are better ways, but i havent found any to be effective. I use to get really quiet to get their attention. But in frustration or fear, the loudness comes out of me. I have already failed a few times at this. But not yelling is a true struggle for me. And i believe that i want this lent to help me grow.
Today Carolyn Butler spoke on Ephesians 3:
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
She said (and this is my interpretation) that God has many gifts for us, but we have to be the ones who look for it. That He has greater gifts to give than the ones we ask for... I want His riches to be abundant in my life... she also said about his riches being found in the Bible... that through His word i would be strengthened .... I want this. And part of what He has given me as a gift, that i asked for, were children. Why then would I not ask for the strength to care for them and love them the way He loves me?
Ecclesiastes:
"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools."
I am a fool. I get angry quickly with my children. I feel frustrated at them for not listening to me... It drives me nuts when they ignore me and disobey me. And instead of being patient like God is with me, i get angry. I dont want to crush their spirits. They have such sweet and loving ones... but i want to do what is right. I want to raise them to know God, to know right from wrong, to have integrity. And i think my first step is to not yell, which causes me to be more patient. If i cant yell, i have to take more time to be loving towards them in my correction.
It has not been easy. And i dont want it to be. I dont think Lent should be easy for me. Sacrificing food is easy. But my soul doesnt feel rededicated. This, giving up something that feeds my soul in a negative way is very hard. And i need to really rely on God for the strength to do it.
.... However, at the end of Lent, i hope not to take it back up again. I want to be changed.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
MacDonald's....
Jul (singing): Old MacDonald had a farm Eei eei ooh!
And on that farm he had a baseball bat, eei eei ooh!
With a smackhead here... (stops singing) Smackhead?! HA!!! Smackhead!
Mommy (through snickers): Its not ok to smack people on the head with a baseball bat.
(But really, all i could think of is how funny it sounds to have a child work "smackhead" innocently into a song.... how do i quash creativity?)
And on that farm he had a baseball bat, eei eei ooh!
With a smackhead here... (stops singing) Smackhead?! HA!!! Smackhead!
Mommy (through snickers): Its not ok to smack people on the head with a baseball bat.
(But really, all i could think of is how funny it sounds to have a child work "smackhead" innocently into a song.... how do i quash creativity?)
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Nursing meals
I love watching Oakley eat. How peaceful and intimate it is to feed him by nursing. When do we lose that intimacy eating? And how do we get it back? How do i help facilitate a more nursing-like meal time for all my family?
When i feed Oakley i take time, and devote it to him (as much as possible). We sit together, look at each other, touch each other. I talk to him such sweet and loving words and in return he smiles milky smiles that allow the sweet nourishment that i create for him run from his mouth. We are embraced in such a tender way that cant be done at a table. Not physically anyways.
Baking for my family (and friends) creates something similar. I dont bake or consume baking for nourishment, but for the love. I pour love into my baking. When i am angry, i am reminded of the love and devotion i have for those in my life and the love pours out. Maybe meals arent as intimate because i dont do them for love. I do them out of necessity. When i have done cooking by pouring love out i have never had left overs. Everyone eats the love. One can feel the difference between the two. Just as Oakley feeds differently when i am calm and peaceful compaired to stressed and rushed, i have to assume the same can be said for my other children (and husband). I want to feed them love.
Hold them close and enjoy the meal.
When i feed Oakley i take time, and devote it to him (as much as possible). We sit together, look at each other, touch each other. I talk to him such sweet and loving words and in return he smiles milky smiles that allow the sweet nourishment that i create for him run from his mouth. We are embraced in such a tender way that cant be done at a table. Not physically anyways.
Baking for my family (and friends) creates something similar. I dont bake or consume baking for nourishment, but for the love. I pour love into my baking. When i am angry, i am reminded of the love and devotion i have for those in my life and the love pours out. Maybe meals arent as intimate because i dont do them for love. I do them out of necessity. When i have done cooking by pouring love out i have never had left overs. Everyone eats the love. One can feel the difference between the two. Just as Oakley feeds differently when i am calm and peaceful compaired to stressed and rushed, i have to assume the same can be said for my other children (and husband). I want to feed them love.
Hold them close and enjoy the meal.
Monday, February 12, 2007
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