I dont want to be that mom. So, all day long i tried not to get it out. There were a few moments when the anger escaped. The hurt escaped, I should say. I couldnt hold back the crying in the car on the way to get Thomas. I cried because my heart was broken, and i just love my kids so much!
I was wondering how many home-schooling moms (HSM) deal with kids just not listening to them. Mainly because i believe, and i dont know why i believe this, but that other HSM have perfect children who do as they are asked and never need to remind their kids to do their chores.... or their school work. That other HSM never have to raise their voices to get their children's attention. And of course, thinking that way makes me feel like i am a horrible homeschooler. That i am a horrible mom. And that the best thing i could possibly do is put my children in school. Now, this isnt a knock on people who put their kids in school. I believe there is a place for school and that teachers work very hard at what they do, and do a great job at it. But, like any occupation, there are days that you wonder if you made the right career choice. I had one of those days.
I know that it isnt always going to be like this. Messy house, children telling me that they hate me. I know that when i look back on these years,and my grandchildren call me because they think their parents are being unfair, i will smile. I will finally be good at this mothering thing when i no longer have children at home. And that is when i will get to be a GRANDmother. (GRANDparents earned their titles.) So why was today so much harder? Well, sitting and talking to Thomas about it, i think it was really because i was woken 4 times last night. And with that broken sleep, i was unable to parent the way that keeps my heart intact. My heart broke today because i am tired. My children were able to push my buttons in a different way. And they could smell my weakness, so they exploited it. Dont all children?! (that is rhetorical, if you tell me that your children dont, you may very well be banned from my blog.) :)
Today was not apart of our regular routine. I tried something new, on a day that i had little sleep. An exhausting attempt that i ought to have waited to do until i was properly rested. I think i will always question my homeschooling.... you know, the grass is greener on the other side, sort of question. I know. It is still just grass. And things will be different every single day. All i have to do is love my children and purposefully parent. And keep on keeping on. They learn. I just have to facilitate learning, and they learn. Please, dear friends, keep me in check. Remind me from time to time that there are struggles, and that i am not the only one!