I often struggle with what the ideal me wants and the realistic me is.

I wish i was one of those people who dont watch tv, and they dont let their children play video games. But i AM one of those people. We LOVE tv. And the video games comes honestly from my husband.

I wish we were surrounded by natural toys and games. And we are moving that way. More crafts and such. But i cant get jul to be anything he is not.

Today, being thursday and the day after awana, we do very little. I think what i will do is take pictures of what i want to be, and put them up. What you wont see is that the kids are all looking at the computer, watching the Nutcracker. :D

Ok, ok... here it is:

And there are glimpses of creativity with jul! He just designed a very cool car on his game....

We were privileged to be a part of the Remembrance Day celebrations. We watched as an older man cried for his fallen brothers while laying the wreath.

Later on, Oakley started up a conversation with this man and pointed to the many metals on his chest. He tells Oakley that they are from when he was in Germany. Oakley asks if he won the metals, and the poppy. The kind gentleman smiled and said yes. Then dear, sweet Oakley pipes up:

"I know all about metals," pointing to the mans chest and speaking in the way only Oakley can, "Those metals. And Dinosaurs."

Momma said there'd be days like this...

So, I'm having this rotten day. I am trying my best to have fun with the kids. Make apple butter, pies and jelly. And they are just not being pleasant to be around. And it hits me. My heart is breaking, and in order to try and keep it together, i get angry. I squeeze my heart until i cant breath and all that comes out is anger. (ok ok, that really isnt a new revelation, just i had a day where i actually could see it happening.)

I dont want to be that mom. So, all day long i tried not to get it out. There were a few moments when the anger escaped. The hurt escaped, I should say. I couldnt hold back the crying in the car on the way to get Thomas. I cried because my heart was broken, and i just love my kids so much!

I was wondering how many home-schooling moms (HSM) deal with kids just not listening to them. Mainly because i believe, and i dont know why i believe this, but that other HSM have perfect children who do as they are asked and never need to remind their kids to do their chores.... or their school work. That other HSM never have to raise their voices to get their children's attention. And of course, thinking that way makes me feel like i am a horrible homeschooler. That i am a horrible mom. And that the best thing i could possibly do is put my children in school. Now, this isnt a knock on people who put their kids in school. I believe there is a place for school and that teachers work very hard at what they do, and do a great job at it. But, like any occupation, there are days that you wonder if you made the right career choice. I had one of those days.

I know that it isnt always going to be like this. Messy house, children telling me that they hate me. I know that when i look back on these years,and my grandchildren call me because they think their parents are being unfair, i will smile. I will finally be good at this mothering thing when i no longer have children at home. And that is when i will get to be a GRANDmother. (GRANDparents earned their titles.) So why was today so much harder? Well, sitting and talking to Thomas about it, i think it was really because i was woken 4 times last night. And with that broken sleep, i was unable to parent the way that keeps my heart intact. My heart broke today because i am tired. My children were able to push my buttons in a different way. And they could smell my weakness, so they exploited it. Dont all children?! (that is rhetorical, if you tell me that your children dont, you may very well be banned from my blog.) :)

Today was not apart of our regular routine. I tried something new, on a day that i had little sleep. An exhausting attempt that i ought to have waited to do until i was properly rested. I think i will always question my homeschooling.... you know, the grass is greener on the other side, sort of question. I know. It is still just grass. And things will be different every single day. All i have to do is love my children and purposefully parent. And keep on keeping on. They learn. I just have to facilitate learning, and they learn. Please, dear friends, keep me in check. Remind me from time to time that there are struggles, and that i am not the only one!

An uneducated opinion is no opinion at all.

I have been struggling with the diagnosis that Jul has a severe learning disability, and with it, ADHD. For those who know Jul i'm sure that isnt much of a surprise. But the consequences from this are rather significant. For years i have felt that Jul is so much brighter than what he can show through school work. This is the proof!!! But trying to get him to understand this, and what it will mean is still a struggle.

This will have life long implications. But will he grow out of it? Could this be because the tests are bias to being difficult for children who have difficulties with tests to begin with?

The psychologist suggested we see a paediatrician regarding his ADHD. But now they want to put him on medication. I have always been adamantly opposed to medication. But what if it will help him? I dont oppose wearing glasses because they are needed. I didnt oppose (too much) when the psychologist suggested that he do math with a calculator. (and remedial math to help his skills.) So why am i so opposed to medication if it will help him control himself and aid his ability to learn?

Any thoughts? Any suggestions? Has anyone else dealt with this? Anyone out there who has been diagnosed and struggled with this?! I cannot make an informed decision without knowledge... and i am only getting bias information from health care practitioners.