Mute

I often have so much to say. I think about what i want to post. I get it all written out in my head and as soon as i sit down, there is nothing. my head goes blank. I wish i could just sit down and write when i think about it, but really, i often am in bed or in the bath... or nursing.

And to make matters worse, the ones i write in my head are quite beautiful... at least in my head.

Kids

My kids evoke such different emotions from me. I know that i felt the same way about them at the same ages, and i love them all so very much. But i do feel concerned. I have been trying hard lately to feel about all the kids the way i do about Oakley. For Oakley i feel completely in
love with Oakley. And i do feel this for Jul and Clover. Thankfully i can recognize that it mainly has to do with the fact that he is a baby. He needs me completely, and his needs are easy to fill.

When i look at Jul i feel such pride. I am so incredibly proud of who he is. And i am so honoured to watch him grow, that i get to be a part of his life and influence him in growing into the man God has planned excites me. Jul has such a sweet and tender spirit. I feel so blessed that God allowed me to be his mother. He is our precious jewel.

When i look at Clover i feel compassion and fear. She started life with so many strikes against her. I just want to protect her from any more pain she might ever come have. I want to fix all that hurt her in the first 18 months of life. My other kids i know so well and Clover is a mystery to me and i am loving discovering all about her. Also, she scares me. She, unlike the others, has such anger, i am pretty sure comes from the torment that the CAS put her through. Although she is not an angry child, she has anger and fear towards certain people for no reason. People dont think that babies know anything. Those people are so incredibly wrong!! The name "Clover" suits her, she is amazingly sweet. OH man, i love her so much. She is our special gift.


Oakley and i are in sync. Completely. I know exactly whats going on with him at all times. I feel really bad for Thomas because i can tell by each little sound or look what he wants. We communicate very clearly. I knew him before he was born. I knew with complete confidence what his personality was going to be like. And i havent been wrong. It amazes and frustrates Thomas. How i wish he wouldnt grow up so quickly!!! He is our answer to prayer.


I am so grateful that i have these precious little children in my life. And i pray that i parent them with gentleness and grace. I know i fail at this often. But i think when it really counts, i do it well.

It has been a very redeeming week. In my defensive times, i have found redemption. In areas where i have felt as if things are going to be torn apart only to have things piece back together. I have been quite concerned only to be relieved.

And just tonight, i felt a shift in my attitude towards disappointment. Thanks, i felt the prayers.

Second Fiddle

I found out last week that my dad and step mom are going to get a divorce. I was shocked and disappointed when he told me. I would not have felt the same several years back. In fact, i would have been sad only for him.

They have been married for almost 20 years. I dont look forward to telling Jul. I wish i could understand it. My dad had us all over for supper on Friday so that i could tell him if there was anything in the house i wanted. As it turns out, everything that I wanted is going with my father (not Thomas, he gets something special too). I was worried that my dad would leave everything. The stuff i really want i cant ever get back, though. but how do i explain that what i want i cant have. I want my family not to be broken. I want him to have never married her if this is the end result. How do i explain to my dad that i want what was supposed to be mine. That i want him back the way he was before.

But something has changed. My dad's attitude was so different. He was hopeful and renewed. Thomas has only known my dad and his wife, but that is what he was always like. I think 18 years of trying to love someone so much has been hard. And now that his marriage might be over, he has new hope to live the way he has always wanted to. And i feel quite excited about this new future.