"Elopement Risk"

I visited the psychiatric ward tonight. It's the first time i have been to the 'over 18' floor before. The room is bare and lifeless. A bed some sheets and a camera in a ball watching you. The room is at least bigger than a prison cell. (not speaking from personal experience, just observation.) You have to sign a confidentiality agreement and it is seriously locked down. 72 hours. I sat on the bed talking with this person and was (sadly enough) not surprised by what i heard. Just more of the same stressers. Just this time it broke the camel's back.

I know what it feels like to want to die. and not the "i-wish-i-was-dead-so-that-people-can-remind-me-what-is-worth-living-for", but to truly think that there is nothing left worth living for. I hated people talking to me as if they knew what i felt and that they could change my feelings. I have tried hard to never do that to anyone i have visited or supported through this. This time it is different.

I forgot my jacket. I'm not exactly thinking clearly. As i walked from the car to the hospital i really regretted not grabbing my mitts at least. And as i sat talking about what needs to be picked up and brought in, the gift to buy for a baby on their behalf, the book to be grabbed, where things are, i reminded the person that i was glad that i was getting these instruction from them and not having to figure out this stuff on my own. I dont feel sad or angry or even hurt.

When i left the hospital while waiting for the light to change i stared up at the snow falling gently through the soft glow and felt comforted and gratitude. What a beautiful night.

Beginnings

Poor Oakley has been so sick!!! Running a high fever and just sad. He is such a good sick baby. All he does is rest his head on my shoulder. On top of all this, we lost his beloved elephant. The one he sleeps with. He is tolerating this very well, but it is still sad for me. I bought a replacement, and he seemed happy with it until bed time. Then he was angry with it. He is feeling a bit better today... I tried to nurse him before his nap this morning (as i usually do) and Oakley just wanted to sleep.

Thomas started his course on Wednesday. HOORAY! He is stressed out, not because it is over difficult, but because army course=stress.

I am trying to tidy... but procrastinating. I want to clean... but i dont know where to start... and my knitting is calling me.

Les ananas ne parlent pas

oh man...

radio

This past month ran away from me. Too much going on. But what i have established is that school is not for us. But we are going to persevere and make it through this year and go back to home schooling next year.

It is very important to me that he isnt offended or ashamed by everyday things... such as having lice. I think i am doing well with that. And he is enjoying being at home with us... mainly because we have watched two hours of tv this morning as i get everything ready to go to do more laundry... He is very aware of what people say to and about him and worries what people think.

So, in knowing that Jul is a very sensitive little boy, who really enjoys looking at beautiful things, but... is he going to grow up to be a pervert?!?! We were watching the Skate/gymnastics (while switching between hockey day in canada) and Jul pipes up and says: " i wish they were doing [gymnastics] naked." when asked why he said: "So that we can see their breasts."

What do i say to that?!?!!? ...the only thing that we could come up with is that breasts are very beautiful... and that breasts are for babies to nurse.

selfish

I pray and wait... then pray again and wait longer. And it seems to be a vicious cycle. Yet, when a prayer is answered, i seem to forget the most important part. The prayer is answered and i dont praise God for the response. Instead, i complain that it isnt answered the way i wanted, or worse, i dont acknowledge it at all and move on to the next request.

Right now i want to stop and count my blessings:

• my husband
• my mom
• Jul
• Clover
• Clover staying with us
• Oakley
• my sister
• my father
• my dear friends
• my children's friends
• my home
• my church
• my community

For about a year now i have been annoyed with God that someone special to me was in a bad relationship. I prayed and was so desperately annoyed with this person that they couldnt see how bad it was. Then i found out that it was worse and that my friend hadnt been telling me the whole truth about it. My friend left the relationship and i told this to another friend and he said, "so that is how God is answering your prayer". I didnt give credit where it was due. Instead i moved on to the next part. I said that now we need to pray that everything gets worked out.

Last night we got together with an old friend of Thomas's and his wife. i love this guy! He is wonderful and since we last saw him he found a lovely lady, became christian and married her!!! (insert praise here!) As we talked about our family, we said about our adoption... and our third miracle baby. Thomas's friend asked if we already had a miracle baby, doesnt that mean that the following baby isnt a miracle? For the record: all children are miracles!!! And i dont forget that about my own!!! Having more than one 'miracle baby' doesnt take away from it being a miracle! The opposite is true: they are even more miraculous! That God would bless me indeed!! That God would honour my prayers with more children is so humbling... especially since i dont always give him the recognition that He deserves.

Today i am going to stop and just thank God that he loves me and that He does answer prayer. I am not going to move on to the next request or the next part of the prayer. I am going to remember that he does answer prayers.

Thank you, LORD, even when i havent noticed, You have been there. And i greatly praise You!!!

Ending

Thomas goes back to work on Monday. I cant believe that eight and a half months have gone by already. We have had so much fun together! I love spending time with Thomas and hate to see him return to work.

I'm curious how smooth his return will be... how destroyed the house will be while he is gone. And we hope that Thomas will be on course this feb., which means he needs to use the rest of his leave before it starts.

I cherish this time we had together. I'm sure that it will be a time that i look back on with much fondness as i get on in years. This time will always bring me joy.

EDITED ON JAN 21: Today Thomas got his posting message; he is loaded on the course starting Feb. 20th!!!!

Before Christmas, my mom took the kids and i to see 'The Best Christmas Pageant Ever'. I have always wanted to see it. It was wonderful. I cried in the beginning in anticipation! At the end, however, there was a few people sitting beside us and they stood waiting for us to move for them to walk down the aisle, despite the fact that they could use the other side (they sat in the centre, so either way would have worked for them). I was so frustrated!!! I was trying to dress three children into their winter gear and they just stood there, impatiently waiting. So, i was going to make them wait. I figured that if they cant walk around i wasnt going to make my life more difficult. Then my mom pipes up; "oh, sorry", and starts moving! Once they left i said that i wasnt going to move for them. She smiled and said that she knew i wasnt.

Hmmp...not very gracious of me. this is where i am going to focus on now. With much help from God.