Enough

I am weary. I am tired of people telling me if i need to chat to call and them not listening. Instead they excuse behaviour. I am tired of lectures that i already have notes for. I am sick of the false sympathy and patronizing encouragement. I am exhausted of hearing "I am doing what I need to in order to (fill in the blank here)". It hurts that i am not included. I detest when people say its not about me, when really, it is. I hate that i am not enough. That i have never been enough. That other peoples love has greater value than a child's. I wish perception had nothing to do with it. That everyone could see it.

"Then they sat with him on the ground. Seven days and nights they sat there without saying a word. They could see how rotten he felt, how deeply he was suffering."

Right now i want this. I dont want to feel better. I just want people to agree that it sucks. I want people to listen and to not discount my pain.

In context

So, Here is that verse in context:

Nehemiah 8:9-11

9 Then Nehemiah the governor, Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who were instructing the people said to them all, "This day is sacred to the LORD your God. Do not mourn or weep." For all the people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law.
10 Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."
11 The Levites calmed all the people, saying, "Be still, for this is a sacred day. Do not grieve."

I have really been pondering "the joy of the Lord is my strength" lately. It doesnt make any sense to me. Is it; when he is happy when i am strong? Or, he finds joy when i am strong? But then, if my strength all comes from God, wouldnt he always be happy? And if God feels/understands my pain then when he feels my sorrow, would my strength then dissipate? I'm sure the when i rely on him, he finds joy and i am strengthened... i think thats what it means but i dont know. any thoughts?

I can get through this. I dont feel strong. But as long as i keep moving i dont have to think about what i am doing. Focus on the practical, and be willing to accept displaced aggression.

"Elopement Risk"

I visited the psychiatric ward tonight. It's the first time i have been to the 'over 18' floor before. The room is bare and lifeless. A bed some sheets and a camera in a ball watching you. The room is at least bigger than a prison cell. (not speaking from personal experience, just observation.) You have to sign a confidentiality agreement and it is seriously locked down. 72 hours. I sat on the bed talking with this person and was (sadly enough) not surprised by what i heard. Just more of the same stressers. Just this time it broke the camel's back.

I know what it feels like to want to die. and not the "i-wish-i-was-dead-so-that-people-can-remind-me-what-is-worth-living-for", but to truly think that there is nothing left worth living for. I hated people talking to me as if they knew what i felt and that they could change my feelings. I have tried hard to never do that to anyone i have visited or supported through this. This time it is different.

I forgot my jacket. I'm not exactly thinking clearly. As i walked from the car to the hospital i really regretted not grabbing my mitts at least. And as i sat talking about what needs to be picked up and brought in, the gift to buy for a baby on their behalf, the book to be grabbed, where things are, i reminded the person that i was glad that i was getting these instruction from them and not having to figure out this stuff on my own. I dont feel sad or angry or even hurt.

When i left the hospital while waiting for the light to change i stared up at the snow falling gently through the soft glow and felt comforted and gratitude. What a beautiful night.

Beginnings

Poor Oakley has been so sick!!! Running a high fever and just sad. He is such a good sick baby. All he does is rest his head on my shoulder. On top of all this, we lost his beloved elephant. The one he sleeps with. He is tolerating this very well, but it is still sad for me. I bought a replacement, and he seemed happy with it until bed time. Then he was angry with it. He is feeling a bit better today... I tried to nurse him before his nap this morning (as i usually do) and Oakley just wanted to sleep.

Thomas started his course on Wednesday. HOORAY! He is stressed out, not because it is over difficult, but because army course=stress.

I am trying to tidy... but procrastinating. I want to clean... but i dont know where to start... and my knitting is calling me.

Les ananas ne parlent pas

oh man...

radio

This past month ran away from me. Too much going on. But what i have established is that school is not for us. But we are going to persevere and make it through this year and go back to home schooling next year.

It is very important to me that he isnt offended or ashamed by everyday things... such as having lice. I think i am doing well with that. And he is enjoying being at home with us... mainly because we have watched two hours of tv this morning as i get everything ready to go to do more laundry... He is very aware of what people say to and about him and worries what people think.

So, in knowing that Jul is a very sensitive little boy, who really enjoys looking at beautiful things, but... is he going to grow up to be a pervert?!?! We were watching the Skate/gymnastics (while switching between hockey day in canada) and Jul pipes up and says: " i wish they were doing [gymnastics] naked." when asked why he said: "So that we can see their breasts."

What do i say to that?!?!!? ...the only thing that we could come up with is that breasts are very beautiful... and that breasts are for babies to nurse.