Forgive or not forgive...

I have been thinking a lot lately about forgiveness. About what it looks like and how it feels. Watching it in other people, especially children. It seems so amazing to me how quickly and easily and whole-heartily children forgive. They give all their love over quickly.



I have watched Jul be hurt, sobbing and then seconds later, up and running around like nothing happened. Sometimes with an apology, sometimes without. And there are certain people who hurt him and as soon as 'sorry' is spoken, it is all forgiven. Where as others, he is still (slightly) apprehensive. Jul still gets excited for his cousin to come and play, even though he has been thoroughly beaten by him. But he forgives. When does this end? The forgiveness given later on seems to be somewhat conditional. I see people do it all the time. I am no exception. The "i forgive, but i dont want to deal with it anymore". I have done that many times. I forgive someone, but i dont trust them not to do it again, so i avoid them. I no longer want to deal with the possibility of them hurting me again. Or anyone that i love. I have nightmares about this situation, being rejected at church because someone i dont want to expose my family to shows up.

Does that mean that i havent forgiven? What if they have changed? And then there are more questions like, are apologies always necessary to forgive? Or is forgiving something that is absent of acknowledgement? There are definitely time that i dont need an apology to forgive. However, i do feel that when things are going on, and on, and on, without change that i truly need to work things out and have my hurt acknowledged.

Then there is moving on. When do you move on in the relationship (either with changed boundaries or not) and when do you just move on? Many years ago i read about called "When to Forgive/When Not to Forgive". I found it wonderful to help me understand the difference between forgiving and forgetting. Jesus says to forgive seven times seventy. And sometimes it is really hard to forgive fully.

I try really hard to watch Jul and see the difference. And i find his example inspiring. To be more like a child.

unfinished... but unsure how to complete this thought

I love these days. They are full of laughter and delight! They are slow but busy, with me being distracted from my other duties. Sunny days riding bikes, playing at parks... long road trips where we end up where we started. Hours upon hours saying be nice, love each other. Changing wet clothes and diapers. Reminders of picking things up. Making yummy meals. Watching my kids enjoy playing games that i do not understand. Silent laughs while watching the kids vacuum.

I have been on hiatus from wondering if i am doing enough. Or what my plan is for September for Jul. I have been trying to focus on what is really important, what they truly need. And i think i have thought of a few things that help me remember kids need:

• purposeful work... Jul likes to vacuum and Clover likes to help put dishes in the dishwasher.
• to play imaginary games ( i will be posting more on this in a few more weeks)
• inspiring things; to show them, and for them to create
• wonderful books.. and not just the ones i find wonderful, but ones that spark their imagination
• things to make them wonder... ideas that make them ask questions and discover answers
• Grandparents (sorry to those who didnt have any as kids)
• prayer; lots and lots of prayer

And i find that only sometimes do i have to facilitate these. They find them all on their own, if i dont interfere. That is sometimes very hard to do. Partly because i may not like what they are doing, but they do... and because i think it is important for them to be allowed to play and do things without adults, specifically, moms and dads. But i also find that i dont know where to begin or how to enjoy it all. They have so much love inside them, and so little hurt. They have a more direct connection with God and such a great understanding of Him.

Nursery Rhymes

We dont really sing nursery rhymes to the kids... I just never think to. We sing all sorts of other songs. Jul's favourite song is 'Here I Am' by Emmy Lou Harris. It use to be a common song sang at Next, not so much at Rustle. And for whatever reason i am really enjoying the Dead Kennedys. I dont know too many kids who know almost all the words to 'California Uber Alles'. I say almost because Jul was singing it "California Manitoba".

Jul is fascinated by music. He has a real electric guitar and makes songs up frequently. Mainly about dinosaurs.

But, the other day, Thomas and Jul are driving down the street and they are listening to some 90's alt/rock mix and 'Shoots and Ladders' comes on by KORN, they are enjoying it and Jul is singing right along. When the song ends Jul says: "Thats a really good song Daddy, that should be a kids song."

Maybe i should sing more nursery rhymes... or at least more conventional songs to my kids.

There are little things that i dont want to miss, that i tuck away for save keeping in my memory bank. Little smiles that are given when ever Oakley looks at me. The way his fingers press into my body when he nurses. How soft his little mouth is. The bright and sweet nasally voice of Clover saying "I love you". How it warms my heart to know she says it to Jul, often first. Watching how eager Jul is to please everyone... how he loves deeper than i could have ever hoped from a child. He is so in tune with peoples emotions and reaction. How the two older ones adore their baby so much. And even though i dont get much sleep right now, all these little moments help me remember that it is well worth it.

There is a place in my soul, deep down, that is dark. I dont talk about it. Its a place that i like to keep hidden away. Often i can keep it in check; under guard. But every once in a while it gets rubbed... and the cob webs are brushed away and it sees light.

I dont like this part of my soul. It is a part that i dont want. And no matter how i try to deal with it i cant seem to part with it. Sometimes i think i am free of it. But then something is said to me, or i over hear something, and i find that it isnt completely gone. Its a place that i dont like to give power to. And i, fortunately, wasnt born with this part.

I hate how this part comes out. It doesnt come out because i think about it. It comes out by another's actions towards me. Actions that make me questions my worth or value. I have had two such accounters this week. Or at least two that could have been. One left me feeling redeemed. While the other left me feeling shame. Not only about me and who i am, but about me as a parent and my child. Cruel.

Not only do i feel bad, but i feel like i deserve bad things to happen to me. But my child never does. My children and sweet and easily loveable.

And now, at almost midnight, when i have been awake for almost 20 hours, i feel better.

dark places that cant be navigated. Shame that isnt mine to carry. Does it balance out?

"You want more kids?"

Thomas and i have been debating at more children. I am wanting more... while he is unsure. Yesterday i was talking with a friend who is having the same debate. And i guess it comes down to this:

I have been married for almost 10 years. And it has whizzed by. My oldest is 6 1/2. My youngest is 6 months. In 30 years from now, i dont see having only 3 children. I said this to Thomas this morning. His response was, do you see only 4. I, sheepishly, said no. I do see 5. But to be fair i dont see it by me having 2 more babies. I see one more baby and then an adopted child that is between Jul and Clover.

Also, in reality, these young child years dont last long. They seem long while you are in them... but my first baby isnt a baby any longer. And out of the years Thomas and i will have together, say if we both live to be 80, we will have been married for 61 years... and only 20-24 years of that will be rearing children. And of that, only 6-10 of that will be of babies.

How fast does 10 years go by? Like a blink. I dont want to be 80 thinking of the children i didnt have... I'm trying instead, of looking forward and imagining what my family will look like. I see joy from my many children... and bliss from my multitude of grandchildren. I also imagine that i will look back on this time saying that it went too fast. Because, what is 10 years out of 80 anyways? Just a whiz of memories.

Ugly Safety

When we first moved into this house, Thomas put up a fire extinguisher up on my kitchen wall. While i was gone. He knew i would never allow such an ugly thing on my wall. Especially in such an obvious location... beside pictures of my family.

I know he put it there to keep the family i love so much safe. But ON THE WALL?! Where every one can see it? couldnt it just be in the cupboard? Thomas said that if it were out then neither of us would ever have to fumble around for it.

This past week Thomas redid the whole kitchen for me. New counter top, new (glorious) dishwasher. And part of this was removing everything from the walls and painting them. And does it ever look wonderful! I love it!!! (Thank you again Thomas!!!)

But when it came time to put things back up on the walls, Thomas asked what i wanted him to do with the heinous fire extinguisher. I have grown to love it. I hate that it is there... but i love why it is there. Because of how much Thomas loves me. I hesitated a moment. What to do? I asked him to put it back. I would never remember where he put it and i would always look for it there if i needed it. And i loved the sweet sentiment that he took the time to wait until i was gone to put it up.

So my kitchen is still waiting for the pictures of my loved ones to go back up, but the ugly thing is back up on the wall. Where it belongs.