Cotton Diapers

I love using cotton diapers. I love everything about them. Reusing them, how i feel using them and tender moments.

I love that there are no chemicals that are in contact with any part of him. I love doing laundry. The sorting, cleaning and putting away. Drying them as often as i can on the line outside. They are so fresh smelling when they come in, unlike when they come off of him. (Stinkingly sweet.) But that too, is enjoyable. Knowing that i get to nourish him... and know that it is truly filling all his needs. I feel good knowing that i am not filling up a landfill with a product that doenst biodegrade very well. And, it saves money.

I feel wonderful knowing that i can use something that, by our culture, seems overwhelming to use. Taking the time to be "inconvenienced" for my baby. I feel like a good mom. Taking time to cover him carefully with a liner, diaper, then (normally) wool soakers, ensuring nothing is out of place. I know that i shouldnt place my value in others opinions, but it feels good to see how other moms react when i pull them out. On Tuesday night i took fruit kabobs to Jul's baseball game. I wanted to take something healthy, as opposed to the usual, sugary drinks and Popsicles. But i also wanted to show that i can do it. See the other moms reactions. And i wasnt let down. Mom's were impressed. Kind of like how they react to seeing the cotton.

Knowing that these pieces of cloth, sewn together help keep my child's clothing dry. They are soft against his supple skin. The gentle wipes i use give me an excuse to rub his little body. Ensuring his skin is fresh. It feels so wonderful to touch him softly. Rubbing his legs as i unwrap him, kissing his round little belly... watching it rise and fall with each breath. Looking into his loving, bright eyes, watching them sparkle with pure joy. I love taking the extra minutes to to make him laugh. At first just a little grin, then it grows into a huge, open, two-tooth, full face smile.

These rags and recycled sweaters mean so much more to me. They are more than just rags to me. They are a way i can give back to the earth. They feed a bit of my pride (which is necessary sometimes). They represent precious moments that i wont ever get back. Knowing that i can take the time to clean him and keep him safe. I love that they take longer. And i love every "wasted" second of it.

oh man...so cute

Jul: i want to be like Big Ruth, and play in the World Serial.

Jul: I'm going crazy like a horse!

Jul, after three consecutive hits in baseball: I'm stinging like a bumble bee!

Clover, while being put to bed (referring to the stuffed animal Thomas brought back from Gagetown for her): Daddy, i want giraffe; and not the bad giraffe!

Clover: I look so beautiful!!!

I love these little things that they say. there are several things that Jul still says that i haven't corrected because i think it is too cute...like Hangabers, instead of hamburgers. Clover says Augrest. SO CUTE!!

communities

the past few weeks i have been learning lots. I have listened to Brandon talk about how words can be blessings or they can be curses. I want to only speak blessings. This week i learned about God being transcendent and imminent.... at the same time. I think this speaks for what my heart has been saying to me for a while.


Now, obviously, both messages had more to them... but i have been hearing for a while that i need more substance from preaching... things that arent only relationship oriented. I get that part. And i need it. But i need blessings too.Like a tree... if i only grow roots, eventually i will die because there will be no leaves to catch sunlight to feed me... and if i only grow leaves, i cant collect water to transform the light into food. I need both.

I remember one Sunday Jared saying that he didnt want to feed us any longer, that he wanted us to grow to feed our selves. Right now i feel... stuck... not growing, and not dying. I desperately need pruning, and fertilizer... substance... i need to be clipped back and spoon fed a bit. My roots are reaching out more than my leaves can collect and parts of the roots are shriveling because of that...

Today for the first time in a very long time i feel light coming back. And there is something to be said about returning to our roots to feed them. i love my community at Rustle. I love how interconnected it is. And today i went to Bethel and was reminded of what grew on in my early christian life. For the first time in years i felt like i was on holy ground during worship. The food i was given to chew was enough for me to digest and nourish me for a while... so much to think about. Mainly because it was related to my relationship with God. And although we talk about that at Rustle, its about how Jesus reached out to others... But he too needed some time to be fed on god... (the forty days in the dessert).

I feel torn between my new community and my old, in a way i havent felt before. When we came back to kingston i thought i found something that would alway nourish me. And lately i feel like i have been starving. I can only feed myself so much. Partly because i can only grow so much food and prepare even less.

God help me find a balance between communities... both with You and with those you love.

so close. such a sweet smell. soft skin. quiet giggles. excited eyes. impatient nuzzling...

The chariots rise

Up high in the sky

What grace have I

To fall so in love

What a wonderful dream

It seems to be

'Cause I love him

Though I have waited long

And they have all been wrong

Now I find in the end

With him I need not pretend

The chariots They rise up high in the sky

What grace have I To fall so in love

What a wonderful dream

It seems to be

'Cause I love him

'Cause I love him
I wonder if i seem like this to God

ballet body

when i was in my early teens i wanted to dance for fun. i enjoyed ballet as a little child and wanted to do it again. so i called around for classes for myself. my parents neither encouraged or discouraged me. i found one place that i could take it... but they required a black leotard and pink tights.

ugh.

i was so insecure at that age and i thought i was so fat that there was no way i was ever going to be seen in around people wearing that. ....but i was also a swimmer at that age. and although i thought i was fat, i would wear a swim suit. but to me the difference was that i would be in the water where people couldnt see my body and if i wasnt, i was wrapped in a towel.

I look at my children and encourage them in every way i can to suggest that they are good they way they are. My parents had an opportunity to help build my self esteem up... not just on this occasion, but on many others... and didnt. My father especially. And really, the only time i feel actually good about my body is mid- to end of my pregnancies and right after i have had my babies. This is something that i dont want for my children. I dont want them to look in the mirror to see how beautiful they are. I want them just to know it.

I just need to figure out how to do that.

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Lately i have found that i have been extremely judgemental. I am aware that i am probably perceived as being this way, but when I look and or talk about people i am in wonder. Thursday we went to the sugar bush and i saw a guy i went to high school with who got his girlfriend pregnant. Old Jordin would have been happy to see him and wonder what his life is like now.... but this unknown jordin judged him... looked down on him. I didnt like how i felt. i told people about him in a way that old jordin wouldnt. Saturday night, old jordin came back. I sat and thought about him... there with his 4 children. I know he barely finished high school to work and support his family (when i finished he was married to her, and they had 3 children....) so... that means that he either took time off work to be there with his kids, or he had the day off and took them. What a good man and father. Still so involved with his family... and i think he is still married. ...married for about 13 years at age 30.

i like this part of old jordin

Sunday i listened to Al talk about changing our clothes. We tried to say yes to the kids every chance we got for a different day... they asked to get blueberry muffins from Tim Horton's. YES. I went in and was overwhelmed with joy and amusement because of the man serving us. Fred. Such joy he had working there. Obviously 'challenged' but truly gifted. He was loud but so happy....

Yesterday I prayed in earnest that my clothes become more comfortable. i know it wont be long before they change again. i would love to have them become comfortable at least for a few days. wear them until the become dirty. but that never seems to happen. Instead, i try to break them in, but find i revert to my old, comfy jeans that are ugly. i do want the new clothes. And i want to stay in them even when they are unbearably uncomfortable. stay in the robes of love, instead of the rags of rage.

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Help me, Lord, to wear the clothes that are fitting for you.

stuff

there is stuff everywhere. here, there... and over there. hidden in other stuff. boxes of stuff. baskets of stuff. magazines talking about more stuff. how to make your stuff look nicer. new stuff, or antique stuff. how to organize your stuff, how to minimize your stuff. telling you all about stuff you "need". baskets and closets to keep/hide your stuff in. shelves to put your stuff on. walls with stuff on it. basements to hide more stuff. stuff you sit on to make yourself more comfortable. places to buy more stuff, and for us to take our stuff hoping other people will want it instead of us. stuff we are holding onto because of memories, stuff we wish we could get rid of because of memories. more places for the stuff we dont want people to know we have. too much stuff. i am sick of looking at stuff.