"You want more kids?"

Thomas and i have been debating at more children. I am wanting more... while he is unsure. Yesterday i was talking with a friend who is having the same debate. And i guess it comes down to this:

I have been married for almost 10 years. And it has whizzed by. My oldest is 6 1/2. My youngest is 6 months. In 30 years from now, i dont see having only 3 children. I said this to Thomas this morning. His response was, do you see only 4. I, sheepishly, said no. I do see 5. But to be fair i dont see it by me having 2 more babies. I see one more baby and then an adopted child that is between Jul and Clover.

Also, in reality, these young child years dont last long. They seem long while you are in them... but my first baby isnt a baby any longer. And out of the years Thomas and i will have together, say if we both live to be 80, we will have been married for 61 years... and only 20-24 years of that will be rearing children. And of that, only 6-10 of that will be of babies.

How fast does 10 years go by? Like a blink. I dont want to be 80 thinking of the children i didnt have... I'm trying instead, of looking forward and imagining what my family will look like. I see joy from my many children... and bliss from my multitude of grandchildren. I also imagine that i will look back on this time saying that it went too fast. Because, what is 10 years out of 80 anyways? Just a whiz of memories.

Ugly Safety

When we first moved into this house, Thomas put up a fire extinguisher up on my kitchen wall. While i was gone. He knew i would never allow such an ugly thing on my wall. Especially in such an obvious location... beside pictures of my family.

I know he put it there to keep the family i love so much safe. But ON THE WALL?! Where every one can see it? couldnt it just be in the cupboard? Thomas said that if it were out then neither of us would ever have to fumble around for it.

This past week Thomas redid the whole kitchen for me. New counter top, new (glorious) dishwasher. And part of this was removing everything from the walls and painting them. And does it ever look wonderful! I love it!!! (Thank you again Thomas!!!)

But when it came time to put things back up on the walls, Thomas asked what i wanted him to do with the heinous fire extinguisher. I have grown to love it. I hate that it is there... but i love why it is there. Because of how much Thomas loves me. I hesitated a moment. What to do? I asked him to put it back. I would never remember where he put it and i would always look for it there if i needed it. And i loved the sweet sentiment that he took the time to wait until i was gone to put it up.

So my kitchen is still waiting for the pictures of my loved ones to go back up, but the ugly thing is back up on the wall. Where it belongs.

Cotton Diapers

I love using cotton diapers. I love everything about them. Reusing them, how i feel using them and tender moments.

I love that there are no chemicals that are in contact with any part of him. I love doing laundry. The sorting, cleaning and putting away. Drying them as often as i can on the line outside. They are so fresh smelling when they come in, unlike when they come off of him. (Stinkingly sweet.) But that too, is enjoyable. Knowing that i get to nourish him... and know that it is truly filling all his needs. I feel good knowing that i am not filling up a landfill with a product that doenst biodegrade very well. And, it saves money.

I feel wonderful knowing that i can use something that, by our culture, seems overwhelming to use. Taking the time to be "inconvenienced" for my baby. I feel like a good mom. Taking time to cover him carefully with a liner, diaper, then (normally) wool soakers, ensuring nothing is out of place. I know that i shouldnt place my value in others opinions, but it feels good to see how other moms react when i pull them out. On Tuesday night i took fruit kabobs to Jul's baseball game. I wanted to take something healthy, as opposed to the usual, sugary drinks and Popsicles. But i also wanted to show that i can do it. See the other moms reactions. And i wasnt let down. Mom's were impressed. Kind of like how they react to seeing the cotton.

Knowing that these pieces of cloth, sewn together help keep my child's clothing dry. They are soft against his supple skin. The gentle wipes i use give me an excuse to rub his little body. Ensuring his skin is fresh. It feels so wonderful to touch him softly. Rubbing his legs as i unwrap him, kissing his round little belly... watching it rise and fall with each breath. Looking into his loving, bright eyes, watching them sparkle with pure joy. I love taking the extra minutes to to make him laugh. At first just a little grin, then it grows into a huge, open, two-tooth, full face smile.

These rags and recycled sweaters mean so much more to me. They are more than just rags to me. They are a way i can give back to the earth. They feed a bit of my pride (which is necessary sometimes). They represent precious moments that i wont ever get back. Knowing that i can take the time to clean him and keep him safe. I love that they take longer. And i love every "wasted" second of it.