Lent

I know i have had all year to think of something to give up for lent. But i have been having a hard time trying to make it something more meaningful than a delight. I want this sacrifice to be something that will help me grow in Christ and strengthen me as His.

I have not really finalized on anything. But my big thing right now is to not yell at my children in anger. It is very easy for me to raise my voice when the dont listen to me. I do it to get their attention, and it works. But at what expense? I see the hurt in their eyes and i dont want to be the cause of it. I know that there are better ways, but i havent found any to be effective. I use to get really quiet to get their attention. But in frustration or fear, the loudness comes out of me. I have already failed a few times at this. But not yelling is a true struggle for me. And i believe that i want this lent to help me grow.

Today Carolyn Butler spoke on Ephesians 3:

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

She said (and this is my interpretation) that God has many gifts for us, but we have to be the ones who look for it. That He has greater gifts to give than the ones we ask for... I want His riches to be abundant in my life... she also said about his riches being found in the Bible... that through His word i would be strengthened .... I want this. And part of what He has given me as a gift, that i asked for, were children. Why then would I not ask for the strength to care for them and love them the way He loves me?

Ecclesiastes:
"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools."

I am a fool. I get angry quickly with my children. I feel frustrated at them for not listening to me... It drives me nuts when they ignore me and disobey me. And instead of being patient like God is with me, i get angry. I dont want to crush their spirits. They have such sweet and loving ones... but i want to do what is right. I want to raise them to know God, to know right from wrong, to have integrity. And i think my first step is to not yell, which causes me to be more patient. If i cant yell, i have to take more time to be loving towards them in my correction.

It has not been easy. And i dont want it to be. I dont think Lent should be easy for me. Sacrificing food is easy. But my soul doesnt feel rededicated. This, giving up something that feeds my soul in a negative way is very hard. And i need to really rely on God for the strength to do it.

.... However, at the end of Lent, i hope not to take it back up again. I want to be changed.

MacDonald's....

Jul (singing): Old MacDonald had a farm Eei eei ooh!

And on that farm he had a baseball bat, eei eei ooh!

With a smackhead here... (stops singing) Smackhead?! HA!!! Smackhead!

Mommy (through snickers): Its not ok to smack people on the head with a baseball bat.

(But really, all i could think of is how funny it sounds to have a child work "smackhead" innocently into a song.... how do i quash creativity?)

Nursing meals

I love watching Oakley eat. How peaceful and intimate it is to feed him by nursing. When do we lose that intimacy eating? And how do we get it back? How do i help facilitate a more nursing-like meal time for all my family?

When i feed Oakley i take time, and devote it to him (as much as possible). We sit together, look at each other, touch each other. I talk to him such sweet and loving words and in return he smiles milky smiles that allow the sweet nourishment that i create for him run from his mouth. We are embraced in such a tender way that cant be done at a table. Not physically anyways.

Baking for my family (and friends) creates something similar. I dont bake or consume baking for nourishment, but for the love. I pour love into my baking. When i am angry, i am reminded of the love and devotion i have for those in my life and the love pours out. Maybe meals arent as intimate because i dont do them for love. I do them out of necessity. When i have done cooking by pouring love out i have never had left overs. Everyone eats the love. One can feel the difference between the two. Just as Oakley feeds differently when i am calm and peaceful compaired to stressed and rushed, i have to assume the same can be said for my other children (and husband). I want to feed them love.

Hold them close and enjoy the meal.

Taste

The taste of sharing love.

The taste of joyful reunion.

Tithing

When i was a child i wanted to go to church. My Father would walk me and wait for me but never come in. My mother would at least join me inside.

Last night at WITH tithing was brought up. It brought back so many memories of me as a child taking money to church. I would feel so proud! I was giving to something bigger than myself. I desperately wanted something bigger than myself to hold onto. Coming from a very broken home I wanted to believe that there was something bigger than what i knew of love. Something that loved me no matter what. Something that i could give back to.

How i loved those little envelopes. My dollar might not have been much, but it felt like i belonged. Did i? Probably not. Outside the Sunday school teacher, i doubt anyone even knew my name. Did i belong to God? I really wanted to. I was "christened", but i didnt really know what that meant. To me, it meant that i could be a part of a community of God. That i would be His child if i just kept doing the right things. Going to church, obeying the commandments... keeping secrets.

But that envelope bought me peace and excitement. And i miss that child-like awareness that this, being able to give back to God, is so important. Not an obligation. But joy. Excitement. I try to bring my heart to God like a child. Excitely bouncing and running to my Father who has just returned home from work... And now i want to be reminded of that excitement of bring not just my heart, or cookies, but a gift that He will use to help others meet finacial neeeds. Whether it be our church building, or feeding the pastors and their families... or even our neighbours. I want that joy back.

I am going to reclaim it.

TV?

I have recently agreed to getting a new tv. Thomas has been looking at larger tv's. How large? Between 42" and 50". When we got our last tv for christmas about 5 years ago, i think i just about had Thomas convienced that we didnt need a tv at all. Then his mother got us the one we have. I was shocked and slightly disappointed. I was prepared and excited about not having one. So how do i feel about a jump from this tv to one substantially bigger? Slightly embarrassed. I am scared about what people are going to think when they walk into my house and see a room full of a huge tv. I like the cabinet that we have because we can hide or mask our tv and it's usage. But now everyone will be able to see how often we use it.

Then i got thinking. We enjoy sitting around watching old movies that we have seen a million times... and enjoy playing games together on it... So i need to accept that watching tv is a part of who we are. And i dont want to feel ashamed about watching it because our society is so divided about it... on one side of the spectrum, there are those who feel that it is a drug and the people who watch it are addicts, and the other who believe it is a harmless form of entertainment. I dont fall between the two; but more i agree with both. It can be an addiction, where people unplug their brains and use electronic media to mask their pain, and ignore their world... and used with moderation, at appropriate times, a tv can be a source of harmless entertainment.

Two weeks ago I banned all electronic media for Jul, who, like his father, is a junkie. It made such a difference in his attitude and how he interacted with all of us. He even noticed the difference and we now almost never watch tv during the day and rarely any computer. He and Clover play wonderfully or read together, Jul is wanting to help with housework and now when i do put the tv on or allow him some short computer time, he appreciates it more and relaxes differently.

And i'm glad that we started this. Because today (being Tuesday) SUCKED!!! Every Monday night Jul spends with my father.. and today i realized that what he needs when he comes back is to just be calm, unplug and be shown love differently. After watching tv all morning, i gave Jul a cookie. He felt it was too small and was furious in a way that can only happen on tuesday. I told myself whenever he started freaking out today i would hug him and tell him how much i love him... and when he crumpled the cookie and threw it into the garbage my instinct and initial reaction was to send him to his bedroom to rest for a little while. But i stuck to my resolve and hugged him. Jul said while i was holding him that he felt stupid and like people were calling him "stupid-head". If i hadnt let him just sit and watch tv, and hadnt held him i would have validated those feelings of him being stupid. But instead, i was able to listen and calm his negative feelings.

So as self conscious as i am about having a huge tv, i can remind myself that it has an off switch and i will use it often.

Oh yeah... and my husband IS an electronics junkie.